I was expecting phone calls from my sponsee this past weekend just to check in. No call came Saturday, and none on Sunday. I didn't know if he made the Monday night meeting or not (I was at work) until Tuesday at the book study...he did not. Found out last night why. He called my house, and after accepting the collect call from the county jail, my wife informed him that I was at a meeting. He's looking for someone to bail his a$$ out of jail. He had the nerve to call me, knowing my position on this subject, and knowing my financial situation.
What amazed (shocked?) me the most was the lack of any strong emotions toward him. I didn't get boiling mad, and didn't feel any great remorse either. Instead I felt a little sad that it had to come down to this. I hurt, but for him, not for me. I think working as a d/a counselor has helped me learn to care about, but disconnect from people and situations that I can't control. I haven't spoken with him, but I know he feels great remorse and shame. I'm not sure if I will continue to sponsor him or not...time will tell. All I know is he's sittin' in jail after getting drunk, and I'm at home spending the last few days before school starts with my kids, and I'm grateful.
On the other hand, a guy that's been coming to our meeting after a few years of r&d wants to work with me a little more, and made the comment that he needs a sponsor who he can relate too (he didn't ask, so we'll see). He invited me to go fishing with him this weekend (he has a boat!!!!) and meet his wife and kids. Maybe God is working on clearing the way for a better, healthier relationship. Either way, the guy DOES have a boat!
It's been a long time since I've worked with a newcomer. It took me awhile to learn not to care about their situation more than they did, not to want it more than they wanted it. There's no experience like experience. Hopefully he'll be ready to make sobriety his priority, pick up some more tools and take more suggestions. I was a hard head and I'm still amazed that I keep coming back enough times to finally get sober.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 12th of August 2010 11:46:13 AM
Soooo D/As are still human and in need of program themselves huh? I've got that experience also with maybe an exception (assumption only) and relate to your reactions and responses. It is what it is and using the other room's 3c's You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. What was I there for? to guide not to rescue (stated up front at first) and not give my program away only my experience, strength and hope. I give my experience without thought of repayment to do it otherwise scares the crap out of me...a violation any violation of what I was taught to do in the program is suicidal ideation for me. For today I will not give my program up for any inticement. We (several members) sat with a relapse this morning after the morning meeting and we did what we were taught and suggested what we were taught to suggest. When the influence has subsided call us and we will help you replace the booze in your gut with the program we have in ours. Don't drink...don't think.
I've got a missing sponsee also who use to say, "I want what you have". He hasn't got it yet for the usual reasons. I've told him several times I cannot compete with a drink or a meth pipe and won't even try. If he dies I will attempt to go to his funeral and share compassion and empathy with his family and then, I'll go on with my life.
Stay out of the boat...the captain and crew may be drunk and you can't walk on water to get back to your shore.
He didn't want your ESH when he called you from jail...He wanted your ______
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 12th of August 2010 03:27:10 PM
I admire anyone who is in recovery who is also a professional counselor to alcoholics and addicts. It's a different role entirely from 12-step work. I couldn't do it. Not that I can't empathise, or detach... I can do both. But I couldn't maintain the consistent balance between the two that is required of a counselor. My daughter can - and she always amazes me especially since I remember her quite vividly as a teenager LOL.
Much of my service work has been arm's length. GSR, treasurer, chairman, coffee, and institution meetings. Not so much one-on-one sponsoring. I probably wouldn't be a good choice for the 5 am phone calls or to be a good listener for two hours of whining.... I never called my sponsor after hours, but I sure did whine a lot. Some people are better suited to certain things than others.
While my detachment/empathy is difficult to balance in any "live" situation (i.e. alligator filled swamp), at least I've acknowledged empathy. Always had it, but alcohol and defensive walling-off behavior fended it off. Granddaughter DramaGoddess taught me. I watched her feel other people's feelings (including mine) until she was overwhelmed, and then she'd lean into it and take on some more. I recognized exactly how the same things affected me as a child and how I built defenses to deny it and isolate myself. Some of that is necessary to survive, and that's what I hope she is gaining during her own lengthy inpatient treatment, but for me, I had to lower the defenses, feel my own pain, and acknowledge that it hurts me to see others suffer as well. And to also learn that without suffering, joy would have no meaning.
I also went through what Dean experienced. I wanted sobriety for them more than they did. After much frustration I discovered it will not work that way. Now I get a committment and an understanding up front and I am no longer an enabler. You got your butt locked up, fine call me when you get out if you are ready to go to any lengths.
A boat huh? now I will need to examine a character defect "ENVY" none of my sponsees have a boat.(LOL)
Larry, ----------------- Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.
-- Edited by Larry_H on Thursday 12th of August 2010 05:15:24 PM
Just keep carrying the message reffner. That student wasn't ready yet to be taught... When my first sponsee relapsed...it took me about a week and then I recognized that for me, the right thing to do was to call him and let him know the hand of AA was there for him and that included my hand. He did voice a lot of shame and embarrassment when I finally talked to him. He still hasn't come back, and I have not heard from him since, but I feel like I did what was right without chasing him down the street to get him back into meetings.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
LOL.