I think of the Kracken as a gut wrenching cookie tossing roller coaster. Most decent amusement parks have one. As Newcomers arrive in AA they detox from the alcohol abuse and their body adjusts but the mind can sometimes play tricks on the unsuspecting. Old buried hurts begin to resurface and cause much fear and confusion. It did happen to me at about six months sober and almost sent me back to the bottle.
My most serious difficulty was with layer upon layer of rage which had accumulated over my unhappy shame and guilt ridden adolescence. As I peeled back the layers all those old hurts resurfaced. Not knowing what was happening drove me to tears on more than one occasion. What the heck is happening to me I thought. I must be losing it and so on. So I attended a meeting each day and read the Big Book in earnest to find an explanation. 'Big Boys don't cry' was also a source of grief. Do any of you identify with this phenomenon?
Oh, I remember being on the "pink cloud" for awhile, then wondering what happened to my feelings. I actually talked in a couple meetings about praying for my feelings to come back and hearing a couple of folks say "be careful what you pray for". Shortly after that I was dealing with a lot of fear and anger. Hard to describe and a wonder how I got through it, but I did, sharing in meetings day after day. Amazing how everyone in the meetings identified and after hearing them share the fear and anger dissipated as long as I was able to let it go.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 11th of August 2010 02:37:05 AM
Ohhh Goody!! another rager. Thanks for the ID Marc. I raged and knew nothing about emotions/feelings. I drank and didn't know anything about emotions/feelings....zero/zip. Was taught what feeling were from my VA alcoholism counselor, "Inside reaction to an outside event", he said and the next thing I said was, "I'm so F'n Pissed!!!" Next thing he wanted to do was have (I agreed) an agreement that I wouldn't cross the room and physically violate him if he ever said somthing that peed me off. Then he said some thing that peed me off and was able to lock my brakes up when I was half way across his office heading for his body. Only one of the things I learned about my rage was that I had capped what ever feelings I ever had tightly under the lid of my head but at times (often when I was drinking) the cap would open or come off and then I would rage and destroy. The program especially the 4th steps have helped me bring that down to a trickle...thank God and AA.
Today I can identify different emotions (yay!!) and I can also identify their opposite emotions (great sponsors) so that when I have feelings that attempt to tear my spirit apart I can go to the opposite ones and calm my spirit down and put a smile or grin where my snarl and growl were shortly before. One of the best lessons was not letting negative feelings interrupt my relationship with my HP which is most important to my sanity and sobriety. I learned early on that "this (AA) is a God thing" and have come to fully agree as each period of 24 hours revolves.
It was only when I did my 5th step of AA with my good sponsor that I really found the true Gonee. He was buried under a pile of resentments, hurts and guilt. But I found that God has infinite mercy upon the alcoholic. As I used the steps to heal myself I stopped thinking about my own problems and I became so involved in other people. Today those negatives have been processed through the steps and those gory pictures are being used to heal the sick alcoholics and their families. This is our God in AA.
I rode that coaster and it wasn't until I completed steps 4 through 9 that I got on that flat section of track headed home.
Larry, ------------- The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. ~Albert Ellis
Marc, Yes, I can identify. The roller coaster of early sobriety and recovery. I had some anger but mine was mostly fear. Fear of everything. Another negative emotion. Actually, the BB tells us that self centered fear is the root of all our problems.
When I did the soul searching and leveling of my pride with steps 4-9 the baggage I had been carrying around for years was much lighter. Today, living in the solution (steps 10-12) I still have ups and downs, but many more ups than before and the downs are shorter in duration. A gift of the program.
I certainly can identify with the changing emotions. When I look back though, it seems like the rapidly changing emotions were much worse in my last days of drinking. I had everyone believing that I was bi-polar, and was even treated with meds for it. As you can imagine, that got me no where. I remember the day my feelings started coming back, and like many others I was devastated by my past. a counselor at the rehab I was at told me to remember my last bad drunk, and that was it. I came crashing down from my pink cloud, and felt so much guilt and remorse, I thought I was gonna explode. Thankfully, that was the moment when the TRUE healing began, and I started the long road to a life of happiness, joy, and freedom. Now when I look at my past there are twinges of remorse and pain, but nothing that God can't help me deal with IF I let him. I refuse to let all of the pain go, because I have a good forgeter, and it helps remind me of a place I have no wish to return to.
When I read the title of this post, I had a vision of captain Jack Sparrow standing on the deck of the Black Pearl. It made me laugh a little. Thanks for this Marc.
Brian
-- Edited by Reffner on Wednesday 11th of August 2010 11:36:46 AM
Ohhh Goody!! another rager. Thanks for the ID Marc. I raged and knew nothing about emotions/feelings. I drank and didn't know anything about emotions/feelings....zero/zip. Was taught what feeling were from my VA alcoholism counselor, "Inside reaction to an outside event", he said and the next thing I said was, "I'm so F'n Pissed!!!" Next thing he wanted to do was have (I agreed) an agreement that I wouldn't cross the room and physically violate him if he ever said somthing that peed me off. Then he said some thing that peed me off and was able to lock my brakes up when I was half way across his office heading for his body. Only one of the things I learned about my rage was that I had capped what ever feelings I ever had tightly under the lid of my head but at times (often when I was drinking) the cap would open or come off and then I would rage and destroy. The program especially the 4th steps have helped me bring that down to a trickle...thank God and AA.
Today I can identify different emotions (yay!!) and I can also identify their opposite emotions (great sponsors) so that when I have feelings that attempt to tear my spirit apart I can go to the opposite ones and calm my spirit down and put a smile or grin where my snarl and growl were shortly before. One of the best lessons was not letting negative feelings interrupt my relationship with my HP which is most important to my sanity and sobriety. I learned early on that "this (AA) is a God thing" and have come to fully agree as each period of 24 hours revolves.
Ride the Kracken and stay behind the lap bar.
Hiya Jerry; Well, you'll be happy to know that the 'Kracken' has tossed my cookies and that my thoughts are on a much more even keel than they were in Year One. Through a written 4th step those old hurts and frustrations have been excised. Gotta' thank Bill and the Boys for that brilliant idea.
Yeesh, I just barely have a year and I was thinking how much more stable my emotions are now than even six months ago, much less at 3 or 4 months. During the first few, I went from deliriously happy to agonizingly morose in the space of a couple of hours. Having your brain chemicals attempting to regulate themselves without outside substances is quite a ride.
I remember one day at about 3 months, my wife and I went to a little fair here in town, then I came home and started fixing my garage door opener, all the time thinking "I feel awful, just awful, I wish I could just die, I can't live like this...". But you know, you CAN live through that kind of pain if you've just got something to look forward too. In my case I clung to the fact that everybody was telling me it would get better, and they were right, it did...
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I have been on a mission to understand these first 3 steps. I came into AA thinking I could understand them and work through them immediately. I did not know that it was a process that would take 7 and a half months to get to just this point. At around 60 days I started to think of steps 1 through 3 as a roller coaster metaphor. As I was sharing that in another thread here, the whole idea expanded and I sat down and wrote out the metaphor more fully based on my experience and the process I have been through. Here it is:
I came into AA dizzy, confused, sick, scared. I had been on a never-ending roller coaster and I had been riding it all wrong. I was trying to numb myself. I had been repeatedly trying to forget and even acknowledge I was on the ride. It almost killed me.
Step 1: I walked into AA and I found a chair on the roller coaster. There were a bunch of other riders on the train. Many of them seemed happy and like they were actually enjoying this messed up ride. I made a decision at this point that I was going to try and ride this roller coaster better because what I was doing before was dangerous and not working. I admitted as honestly as I could that I was powerless over the ride and I couldn't manage it on my own. I'd made a wreck of things. Even though I was still pretty messed up, I figured "At least I'm sober today." I couldn't even get in the seat drunk. I couldn't even see the other riders, in fact.
Step 2: Okay, I'm still sitting in my seat on this roller coaster ride. I start screaming to the other riders how scared I am. I scream "I don't think I can do it!" They tell me "Hold on to your seat, the ride gets better." I think they must be crazy but I realize they do seem less scared than me and they also tell me "We are here on this ride with you. It will be okay." I feel a little better and decide to trust them. I find comfort from the other riders. Gradually, I realize God is sitting in the seat next to me. I thought that seat was empty. I realize that he created this roller coaster ride. Only he knows the twists and turns that lie ahead. He was right next to me the whole time and I was too drunk to notice. I start to reach out to God. I take his hand, but keep holding on to my seat with with the other riders. I begin to pray to God, "Help me get through this crazy ride!" I cry and tell him I'm scared and "I wan't off!" He tells me, "I'm sitting next to you. It will be okay." I am still a little scared, but this ride doesn't seem so awful now with God next to me and the other riders to take comfort from. I can turn to them and him at any time. I feel more hopeful about the future.
Step 3: I keep riding. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns. I keep thinking I know what's up ahead, but the ride jerks another way that I did not anticipate. For quite some time I think "I'm not sure I can handle this!" I look to God and realize fully that I'm never going to know what twists and turns are coming. I can only keep riding and doing my best to not be afraid. I give up trying to predict and control this crazy ride. Every time some scary twist or turn comes, I turn to God and the other riders and they help me get through it. I start to enjoy parts of the ride even though it's still scary and there are parts of it that I still really don't like. I stay in my seat. I share what I am going through with God and the other riders each time. I start to feel so grateful that they are there to listen to me. It is still a roller coaster ride that I can't control or predict, but it's going to be okay. I have some faith now and I trust in this process of what I've been doing.
I look down. I am still sitting firmly planted in that seat that was there for me when I stepped into that room so confused. Thank God for that chair and those riders all around me. I feel glad.
**I just figured how my sponsor fits into this. He was the loudest bitch on the train and he seemed like the happiest to me so I trusted him lol. Also, he was sitting in that seat next to me until I realized God was there. Now he still rides closer to me than the other riders, but only God is right next to me.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 9th of May 2009 09:58:57 AM
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