Two men had passed away and were standing at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the first man, "What did you do for a living that had value to others?" The man replied, "I have driven a Taxi cab most of my life" St. Peter stood back, then walked away, returning with a Golden shaft and a Golden candle holder and gave them to the man.
The next man came up and St. Peter asked him, "What did you do for a living that had value to others?" The man proudly proclaimed, "i have been a minister my whole life, had the largest congretion in the Southeastern part of the US., and televised to millions over T.V." St. Peter stood back, then walked away, returning with a Wooden shaft and a Wooden candle holder and gave them to the man.
The man, a bit shocked asked, "how is it that a taxi driver gets Gold and I only get Wood??"
St Peter replied, "i reviewed your years at the alter, and what I saw was so many people falling asleep in your church, and many more falling asleep while laying on their couch in front of their T.V's.
When I reviewed the other mans years of taxi cab driving, I saw he was a drunk and everyone that got in his cab started earnestly praying and calling out to the Lord as soon as he left the curb."
Three random Men died and arrived in front of St. Peter and the Golden gates. St. Peter addressed the men and said "Before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I have one question for you. Did you Ever cheat on your wife?" The first man proudly said "No, never even thought about it". St. Peter congratulated him and gave him a new white Rolls Royce convertible to drive around Heaven. St. Peter then, looked at the second man, who had his head down, and asked "Did you Ever cheat on your wife?". The second man said, humbly, only one time, and I immediately repented and never cheated again. St. Peter commended the man for owning up to his mistake and changing his ways, then gave him a Ford LTD to drive around Heaven in. By this time the third man was walking away and St. Peter called to him "Come back, and tell me, did you Ever cheat on your wife?" The third man, totally ashamed, admitted "I cheated on my wife hundreds of times, even on our honeymoon". St. Peter commended him for his honesty and gave him a Moped to ride around Heaven. The third man was extremely happy, riding his moped singing "I'm in heaven, I made it into heaven...." when he came upon the first man, who had pulled over on the side of the road with his beautiful Rolls Royce convertible. He had his head on the steering wheel crying loudly. The third man asked him "Why are crying? You're in Heaven and have this awesome car to ride around in, would could possibly be the problem?" The Man in the Rolls Royce, lifted his head, still sobbing, and remarked "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 12:36:14 PM
Reminds me of my favorite heaven joke, not really related to alcohol though..
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A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" The traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Three Friends Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
-- Edited by Reffner on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 02:13:32 PM
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
