I'm about 14 months sober. In my town, everyone in AA is really adamant that you have to have a sponsor and lots of phone contacts that you call every day. I'm pretty introverted so just walking up to people and phoning strangers is kind of stressful and draining to me. People in my town talk a lot about "not isolating", which sounds wise, but it also sounds like they're making extroversion a prerequisite for sobriety, which doesn't sound right to me.
Plus, (IMO only), it seems like one's sobriety might not be very stable if one has to talk to 4-5 random people every day just to keep from drinking. I'd like to try to be a strong person whom others can depend on, able to travel around and handle difficult situations well on my own, relying on my inner strength, faith in God, and living life according to the 12 steps. Not that I want to be some kind of total loner (I realize that's foolish), but I wonder just how much interacton of what type is critical/healthy as opposed to (I don't know), co-dependent or something.
So anyway, no sponsor yet, only 1-2 phone contacts, and I do share in meetings but am usually very brief. Am I being reckless? Is my thinking off? if so, what would the group suggest.
Thanks!
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Sunday 8th of August 2010 03:18:41 PM
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Sunday 8th of August 2010 03:20:22 PM
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Hi ZZ, I struggled with the phone call thing also. I tried AA a couple of years ago on my terms needless to say my terms did not work. This past year I have attended AA again doing what is suggested to me. Phone calls being one of them. What worked for me a started calling people that I had other interests that we shared besides alcohol. I found myself with new walking partners etc. and before we were done with our walks we were talking program as well. And the best part for me I was keeping away from me being alone with myself which is not a good combination. pam
Hi ZZW and welcome to the board. Congrats on 14 months! Making it to a year is crucial so what you're doing must be working. The folks in meetings, telling you to call a few people a day are just making suggestions. Really what we need to do is replace our drinking circle with a sober circle of friends, hence "the fellowship". The human mind, as given as it is to the power of suggestion, will do better watching others not drink in their pass time rather then the alternative. After a year or two of sobriety, our brain isn't spitting out "I want a drink" every 30 minutes and we've obviously denied those urges enough times that they've sunk into relative obscurity. However isolating, at any stage of recovery, is not a good thing to do, but hanging out with non-alcoholics, as opposed to recovering, is imo just as good or better, givinen that we have a circle of friends in the program that we interact with preferably at meetings. Rejoining the human race is half the battle.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 11th of August 2010 03:24:16 AM
I don't call people much. Being introverted is common among us. Take baby steps but keep taking those steps, at whatever pace you can. I do agree that you should strongly consider getting a sponsor - it's a very good idea. The way someone once put it to me was this: If you're going down a dangerous trail in the mountains that you've never traveled before, it's wise to have a guide who's already been down that trail. You can take the twelve steps by yourself, but there are some things that only someone who's done it before with the help of their own sponsor can show you - big example is the 9th step, my sponsor goes over each and every one with me and lots of re-writing occurs before a person is ever approached.
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Sunday 8th of August 2010 04:10:07 PM
What worked for me I started calling people that I had other interests that we shared besides alcohol. I found myself with new walking partners etc. and before we were done with our walks we were talking program as well.
This is the magical part of the fellowship. Taking your acquaintances, from your meetings and getting together outside the meetings for meals, hobbies, movies, and what not, to learn how to have fun without drinking. Making that transition from meeting at meetings to meeting outside of meetings starts with group activities like a group going out for breakfast after a weekend morning meeting or dinner after a weekend evening meetings. We strike up conversations about our hobies and stuff that we like to do and the next thing you know, we're doing it with a couple of AA friends.
AA clubs are good for starting up friendships as they tend to have more extracuricular activities, dances, open mic for musicians, softball games. We went on a couple of ski trips and it was awesome. I met a group of guys, when I was about 6 months sober, that rode motorcycles to meetings. It was pivotal for me and these guys all had 5 years plus, so I gleened a lot of sobriety from them.
A couple of them wound up sharing a house with me, and we did what guy friends do, watched ball games and worked on cars... sober.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 11th of August 2010 03:28:12 AM
I DO talk to sober alcoholics every day here and on other forums where I post.
I try to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit with my tendency to isolate, but I have a demanding job that requires a lot of interaction with people all day, and I kinda like the quiet when I come home.
Im wondering ... You are 14 months sober and you have not got a sponsor that has taken you thru the 12 steps ?
My guess is that ppl in your town in AA are adamant about having and using a sponsor cuz it is rather important ( imo ).
And I do believe it is good to have a few xtra phone contacts in case you cant get ahold of your sponsor. Its also good to have a home group so that you attend that meeting every week and get comfortable with the home group members there and then they kinda become your 'homies'.
I really dont see any reason to be on the phone all day long with other AAers. Me personally ... Ive got much better things to do than hang onto a phone all day long
P.S. Id highly suggest getting a sponsor and being honest with this person ( same sex preferred ). As they will become your friend, teacher and confidant. Its great to have alot of friends in AA , but Im here to tell ya that Ive been burned by ppl who I thought I could trust . So, I dont share anything personal with just anybody. Many things are for my sponsors ears only.
Happycamper, I hear you. I don't want to go against the common wisdom out of sheer stubbornness. And no, no sponsor now. I did have a temporary one for about a month when I first got sober, but frankly he kind of acted like he was annoyed every time I called him so eventually I just stopped!
I guess step 5 is a hurdle for me. We did an exercise similar to it in my outpatient program where we talked about things we were ashamed of, but didn't call it Step 5.
I know that the anonymity of AA is not backed up by any legal strictures or an oath like it is with a counselor or clergyman, so I'm just really wary of ripping down my step 4 list with anybody I haven't known and found trustworthy for YEARS. I literally do not know anybody I trust that much except my wife, and she's heard it all.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Sunday 8th of August 2010 08:07:57 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
You don't have to share your Fifth Step with a sponsor. It can be ANYONE. Including your wife--the book says it doesn't recommend spouses, but it presumes there are things we would rather they not know. Clergy are also fine for sharing your Fifth Step.
Just to be clear, Step FOUR is the one where you do your inventory, Step FIVE is where you admit to God, to yourself, and to another human being, the exact nature of your wrongs.
steps 4 and 5 are not meant to beat ourselves up with. step 4 is a grudge list. ( read the book ) it is NOT a list we make of all the bad things we ever did or are ashamed of.
It is where we truely find out how our own selves and natural desires for certain types of gain warped our minds and formed all the character defects because of the resenments we had/have.
Now, I dunno about you but I was sittin around at the bar discussing character defects and shortcomings with my drinking buddies. Heck I didnt even know what a character defect was till I came to AA.
After 14 months of not drinking and attending AA meetings , there has got to be somebody that you have heard share at meetings that catches your attention?
Pray about it ... ask God to direct your thoughts to a helpful, compassionate, experienced AA member that can guide you thru the steps. ( we get and stay sober with the steps we take not the meetings we make ).
Actually, zz, Clergy are also fine for sharing your Fifth Step.
Just to be clear, Step FOUR is the one where you do your inventory, Step FIVE is where you admit to God, to yourself, and to another human being, the exact nature of your wrongs.
I did my 5th with a Priest and my sponsor and got an incredible feeling of relief after unloading all that garbage. Mine was more of the laundry list of misdeeds. I wrote it in a notebook with a couple pages for each year that I drank, plus a few for the years prior to my drinking. You will hear people tell you to do the 4th step a number of ways, some will say that the big book version is the only way. I can honestly say that when I was done with mine it was "Thorough". I used it to write my 8th step later and burned both of them when I completed the 9th step. Sure there are a few people that I haven't not been able to find to make a ammends to but with facebook, these folks are popping up and I'm able to clear the wreckage of the past and it feels good to do it. Most don't remember and are happy to "no big deal" it. Most of my ammends were financial, but I did say some hurtful stuff to several and it was a relief to make ammends for that. Get busy my friend, if nothing changes, nothing changes and the same man will drink again.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 9th of August 2010 10:00:08 AM
My 4th was similiar to Dean's kind of a biographical listing of misdeeds done in a narrative style in a notebook this included resentments (Grudge List) as well as things I was ashamed and guilty about. My sponsor insisted that I list some good items as well as none of us are entirely bad. Many things in my 4th were secrets I was intending on taking to the grave with me. I was so full of Shame, Guilt, Anger and so on that I did not know how I could ever do a 5th step with another person. I did not use my sponsor for my 5th. I prayed to my HP whom I choose to call GOD and he put a recovering female alcoholic in my path at the right time and the right place. I took my 5th step with her which is incredible because a lot of the shame and guilt involved sexual situations. But God works in mysterious ways.
I have never felt such a sense of relief and freedom as I did after the 5th step. The amazing thing was that all of those deep dark secrets that I had vowed to take to the grave with me all of a sudden no longer mattered. I find myself sharing them with AA groups when I am the speaker at speaker meetings. I never thought that would be possible.
Larry, ----------------------- If we hear something in a meeting we don't like, maybe we should take a real close look at it to see why.
THINKING about such things instead of just doing them is the clincher. I have spent my whole life thinking myself out of doing the things that are good for me, and thinking a thing to death like alcoholics do, creates anxiety and inaction. Introverted? Isolation? Welcome to the club.
It is much easier for me to just walk up to a solid AA person and say, "I need a sponsor, would you be willing to work with me?", and be done with it, than it is to think about it, mull it over, hem-haw, and let my alcoholic mind lead me to anxiety, inaction, and pessimism.
It is cliche', but "Just Do It". No thinking is required. And in fact, thinking too much about such things can keep us from the wonderful benefits of following instructions.
Last night I went to a large meeting with lots of old and young alike there, many of whom probably did not know I had relapsed and was now back to a little over 30 days (after times in AA with multiple years). I knew that the RIGHT thing for me to do was to humble myself and stand up and get a chip. I did not want to do it. I struggled with myself, thinking thinking thinking, pride in the way, the whole way there... I had annouced it to my small home group and close friends already, why announce it again?
I HAD to do it, for my own work on humility. It sucked. But the THINKING about it was the part that sucked more. When it came time, I just said to myself, "STOP being ridiculous and just do what is suggested!!!!!!" I put my feet squarely in front of me, stood up, and did it. And it didn't kill me.
Thinking about stuff like that instead of just doing it is what keeps me in turmoil.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Congrats Joni! Looking back, some time from now, you'll realize that this is the time that you gave all of your heart and soul to to get sober. Enjoy the journey, this is a new road, not a second trip down the same road.
after you talk to a few people in AA they will not be "random people" any more. They might be real friends. Most of us come into AA never having been able to be a real friend or having had real friends. It is all part of growing and gaining perspective. We need each other and need others to give us feedback or we wind up with a bad case of terminal uniqueness. If you do not talk to people or have a sponsor to help you through the steps and practicing the principles of the program, you are denying yourself the kind of serenity that AA offers which is so much more than just "not drinking." You must be doing a lot right like Dean said and it is your prerogative to take suggestions versus not, but this has been my experience in AA having had a sponsor and like 100 phone contacts (though I don't call as much as I should). I do call my sponsor every day still...at 22 months.
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