Hi Mom. well? We cant do it for someone else.

And Hes got to do it for himself. He just hasnt fully comprehended and accepted fully the first step.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanagable."

This disease is cunning baffling and powerful--some of us have tried every way in the book to control it, and found out the hard way, that we couldnt.

Some of us have had to go all the way to the bottom of the barrel. Some die, or wind up in jails-or insane asylums. And never get it turned around.

The most important thing here is that you take care of you.

Alanon is a program for families and freinds of Alcoholics. We also have an Alanon board right here on this site. It will give you a better understanding of whats going on, and give you a path to follow for you.

All the best to you.

Oh mate, it takes a bit to get this ol Aussies heart aching these days, but your story has done it. And you know what?..I think you know where you're at...You ID'd as Mom to 2, and that's exactly where your focus needs to stay.

While your mate is running ragged around the countryside turning cartwheels, there really is little you can do, but protect yourself and the kids. Am sure he is not intentionally hurting any of you, but he is hurting you all the same.

It's a mongrel disease, and I was a "traveller" too...just wandered aimlessly, from party to party - didn't matter if it happened to be on the other side of Aus...and generally had a ball...how I survived most of it, still spins my head around...but at the time I was just out there and irresponsible...thoughtless...and running from myself.

You sound pretty switched on, in terms of the practical management of things. Do whatever you need to do to protect you and the kids, both financially and emotionally...because to be perfectly honest with you...active alcoholism will never offer any protection whatsoever. Regardless of his best intentions, it still quite likely that until he has at least a years sobriety, it is very likely that he'll still be unreliable, flighty and exit easily. I was - it is hard to break the run routine and it took me a good couple of years to learn to be a friend sober, let alone clearly consider the responsibility of another human being in terms of partnerships.

Try not to hate him. The party is all a facade...a way in which to hide from our guilt, pain and failures. We keep moving so folks can't get to know us, and we return to the places where we can just exist superficially because we need to fit in somewhere. Don't pity him either...he doesn't deserve it. Drunk or sober, he's making choices. If those choices are unacceptable to you and the lifestyle change is not something you want your kids to experience or learn to accept, then honour your own values. Refer to his poor choices and remind your kids that at anytime, anyone can start doing the right thing for themselves and others. If they want to.

No one waved a magic wand over my head Mom, when all doors had closed I had no choice but face myself, admit to the shitty things I'd done, and the person I'd become...thankfully AA was there to remind me I still had a choice, and help me see it through.

There may be times when things feel hopeless, but I can hear in your words that you are not a lay down and die kind of lady. Next time he rings, blubbering or wanting money, don't talk about rehabs or alcoholism...just keep the focus on the new life you are living...the good things that are taking place around you. When you ask how he is and he says, "Aw OoKay." Just say "That's good." Rehabs and alcoholism are his problems to sort, and eventually he will sort them. When he's ready, he really won't care if the loos are grubby or the food is processed paper -  He'll be there to sober up and learn to stay sober.

AA has the best recovery record in our country (I dunno about the States) but there is no rehab here, that comes close to AA's success rate. If folks want to get sober, they can and do, with AA support. I've seen many rehab addicts never make a commitment to AA, and they just get caught in this revolving door thing, where they go round and round, hopping from one clinic to the next after each relapse. If he insists on talking recovery options, just keep suggesting AA. If he can't make a commitment to 30 meetings in 30 days (then 90 in 90) wherever he happens to be at the time, then a rehab is probably just another name for hostel. If he is seriously in need of a detox, his local ER won't sent him away.

You hang in there Mom. Everything is going to be ok. You have 2 lovely kids to get you up each day, and if you feel a bit lost, just let them take the lead for a bit. They are gauranteed to show you the shortcut to having fun and laughing again.

If they are busy, or you feel a bit on your own with things, lob back in here. Phil will keep you busy trying to work out his turnip truck jokes (only took me two years), Cabbage's avatar will remind you its good to be alive, Cheri and Wendy pump out heaps of good motivational stuff, Wagon lets us know when the fish are biting and the rest of the crew add heaps of life to life as it is. I'm glad you found us.

I wish you peace.

Hi Mom,

While I was reading your post I realized I was reading part of my own story. I really don't have a lot to add to what Phil suggested. I can however share a little experience, strength and hope from my own story.

I to drifted in and out of AA and Treatment centers searching for something that would solve the problems in my life. (notice I said my problems not my Alcohol consumption!) I believed that if I could just get a handle on lifes problems that I would be Ok. While I was bouncing in and out of Treatment centers looking for the cure to fix my problems, my wife, son, mother, brothers and sisters and all of my  friends were beginning to put distance between me and them. I didn't even notice! because as my Big Book book says, My Alcoholic life seemed the only normal one, and I was restless, irritable and discontented, until I could again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. (BB pg, XXVI last paragraph--pg, XXVII first part of first paragraph.)

After each attempt and after each failure, my self confidence, self esteem, and outlook on life diminished more and more. Finally I was defeated, I knew with certainty I was mentally, spiritually, and finally physically Bankrupt. I knew with certainty to keep going the way I was I would Die. And the worst part is I would Die Alone!!! At that point I gave up, as the BB says I ceased fighting anything or anybody. After much prayer to my higher power I checked in again at a Rehab. I didn't care if my wife left me, I didn't care if I lost everything I own, I didn't care what people thought. for the first time in many years I felt a sense of peace.

This was 9-1/2 years ago, Feb 1, 1996. today I enjoy life, today I look forward to each and every day God awakens me to face a new day. today I feel like this day has more right things than wrong things happen.

I'm so Sorry this was so long but when I start to share God tells me when to stop. take Heart Mom thing will work out if we have faith, it may not work out like we like it but after a time we will see, That God is doing for us, What we could not do for ourselves.

Praying for you and your family,

Bobby dean!

Bobby Dean,

Your post wasn't there when I posted the last time.

Thank you for your story.  It does sound like my husband alot.  He has been awakened to his inner turmoil and I think he's running from it now.  He has no self esteem right now.  Yet he dresses himself up and talks grandiosity with a bunch of other addicts.  It's sad and pathetic and he recognizes it some of the time.

I found hope in your post for his recovery.  Are you with your family now?

mom to 2

Quote:

What do I say when he says he wants to come home??  I don't want him in and out of the house ad lib.  It's recovery or nothing at all for me.  Any suggestions.  I could change the locks but that would infuriate him and I don't want a scene in front of my children.   He is not abusive in any way but I know he could be provoked and I'm not going to do that.  He hates no one but himself.

Part of getting responsible, means we have to face the fact we have damaged our relationships, diminished other peoples trust in us, upset peoples lifestyles and put selfish demands on people. It is not unreasonable to ask your husband to re-establish those things, by making real amends through changes in his own behaviour. Trust can't be restored over night.

It is ok to tell him you understand things are all over the place in his world, and that you have pulled things together at your end, and the kids and you now have a manageable routine that he needs to understand too. Honesty encourages honesty. Maybe explain to him, how when he comes and goes it disturbs or effects the kids and you all really need to feel secure in where you're at. Let him know how upside down everything feels when he blows in and then blows out again.

I don't doubt he's a good guy. We are all good folks once we start acknowledging our good bits and concentrating on them. Maybe he just needs a bit of a reminder that there is more to family life than constantly having to worry about him and his shinanigans...and he's missing out on it as long as he keeps it up. If he can take the best of both worlds, he probably will. If you don't want him lobbing in and out, you will have to say No. If he forces the issue and starts going on about his rights to the house and fatherhood, then maybe you might want to consider setting you and the kids up in a place of your own. Hopefully though, he will try to understand, when he realises that you are offering him the same understanding, and the opportunity to return has always been there - you just don't want to live with an active alkie.

I'm on the other side of the world Mum, and its 2.30am, so I have to hit the sack. I hope you have a good day. Each day we get stronger and find more to smile at. Things do get better and you are not alone with things. There are lots of Mum's here who will relate to the sane/crazy aspect of raising the next generation. Mine are 12 and 13 and a barrel of laughs one minute and mini tornados the next. They decided to redecorate their rooms today and everything came out...I now have an entrance hall full of stuff they no longer want and a lounge room I have to pole jump through. Tis fun aint it?

You keep smiling. Everything is going to be ok.

An alcoholics best "tool" is manipulation, it is where all our power comes from. If we can make our loved ones change their mind - just once - we still have all the power. What you say to an alcoholic most be honest - no room for debate. If your husband is not welcomed in your home - then he is not welcomed, no matter what the sob story is.

You most "say what you mean and mean what you say." ALWAYS stay with what you say.

I say this from experience, my ex-wife would say something, then a couple of hours later, I'd have her saying something else. After I achieved sobriety, is when I divorced her, she was the worst thing for my sobriety. She couldn't be honest or keep her word.

Protect your kids at all costs - he got himself into this mess, don't let him drag you down, too.

Best wishes,
In my thoughts and prayers,
Dave Harm
creating dreams

-- Edited by Dave Harm at 13:33, 2005-08-07

Mom, It's so good to hear you are in Al-anon. Do you have a sponsor?You said you don't get to many f2f meeting, please try too.

I heard a lot of projecting in your last post, a place we need to stay away from, a waste of time, when the monkeys in my mind start jumping around , I have to call someone in the program, or post as you have been doing, and get to meetings.

Dave was right say what you mean and mean what you say, but you don't have to say it mean. We are responsible for our part in things, I have to take the "bla" out of blame and leave the "me".

I know you want to understand the alcoholic mind, body and soul, but you will never be able too. Why do I say that because , I think most alcoholics don't really understand it, I know it took a spiritual awakening for me to get sober, I found that, not through a family member, another human, but through a release of my will to God and by His grace, I was set free.

Nic, gave you great insight, as did others. Concentrate on you and the kids. I raised my kids basically by myself,do they respect their Dad, not really. Do they love him, they try, because they were raised to have compassion and to care. They are productive human beings,and they are living life on lifes terms, and they know what alcoholism is, because they were taught about the disease. Al-anon has a book for children, I think it is " What is a drunk", I read it to both of my children when they were old enough to understand.

Keep the focus on you and the kids. I know your "ism" is the alcoholic, but it doesn't have to be. When you surrender your will to a Higher Power you will have the answers you need.

(((Hugs)))

GammyRose

 

hi mom,

i too am an alkie, in recovery. thank God

i'm also a mom. of 2 beautiful girls, 11 and 16. I was a single mom 4 years ago running rampant in self will, caring nothing about nothing except booze and drugs, least of all my self. If i can't care for myself how could i possibly care for my girls. They came to me one day and said "mom? we're going to live with Dad" i didn't see the wake up call i was getting, actually i chose not to, i took the opportunity to dive into my addiction and lived basically on the streets for 3 and some years. It took that long for me to hit my bottom. Only God kept me alive.

i hear stories of others who lost their kids to the system and what a fight they are in to get them back. How fortunate i am to not have to go through that. My oldest lives with me now and my youngest still is with her dad, i'm ok with that, i have to be.

I couldn't get clean and sober for my girls, or a man or my family i had to do it for myself. When i went to my first treatment center i knew even before i finished that i wasn't done using. I went back out for another 6 months. I'll never forget the day i got an e-mail from my oldest daughter telling me she couldn't talk to or deal with me anymore she had to move on with her life. Oh how i hurt, but i really couldn't see through the thick fog my mind, body and spirit lived in. My guilt and shame kept me out there. I almost surrendered to that life. I to remember that day. sitting and thinking to myself...this is it...this is my life, I've lost everything and everyone and this is how its going to be for the rest of my life. I accepted i am an addict but i didn't know i had to surrender to win. I didn't know there was a way out or another way to live. When my family turned their backs on me i turned my back on myself even more. At 10:30 am on june 9th, 2004 i used my last drug and drank my last beer. I got beat up by my 'boyfriend' and i haven't looked back since. Actually tomorrow will be 14 months for me, providing i look after today.

today i'm grateful that my girls and my family turned their backs on me, or i'd still be out there, manipulating, self-seeking and self-loathing.

yes, you must put yourself first. and your babies.

An addicts way of thinking is this: tell me what to do and i WILL NOT DO IT.

i'm so glad you are here with us

hugs, Wendy