just under 11 weeks sober and doing well. My husband still drinks and smokes pot but he's not an alcoholic like me.
We are throwing a bbq on saturday, 16 people, all of whom will be drinking and some of whom will be smoking pot. I'm not worried about cravings or worried that i will drink. I go to the pub with him every weekend and being in the presence of drinkers is fine, unless they are all getting to the point when they talk rubbish and repeat themselves! if anything, its good to be reminded why i have chosen sobriety!
I'm trying to finalise numbers and asked my husband if he was ok with me inviting an AA friend (who my husband has met and likes) along with his (non-alky) partner. he doesnt want my AA friend to see him smoking pot i guess and so is being difficult about it. I need to get across to him the fact that my friend has seen and done much worse. That AA is not about judging people and not about standing on the moral high-ground looking down at the drinkers. I would also like him to understand that it is no easy thing I'm doing, throwing a bbq at this point in my sobriety and it would be good to have a sober friend as support.
I suggest not to be around alcohol and pot as much as possible at this point in your sobriety. I know I am sounding like a grade A arsehole here but alcoholism and addiction is no joke ok...I can't believe your husband is even taking you out to pubs every weekend. That is like taking a diabetic to the candy store for a date. WTF? I personally think you need to have a little more healthy fear of your alcoholism or it is going to bite you in the ass. You can say "I'm not worried about drinking" or "I know I won't drink" and "I can even go to bars on the weekends and not drink" but you are not showing good willpower. Rather, you are being willful and tempting fate. Ask yourself, why do you need to be around drugs and alcohol so much when you are in recovery? To sustain your relationship? If this is the case than I hope you drop the people pleasing and ask your husband to go to alanon before you wind up in even more slippery places.
By the way, had someone talked to me like this at 11 weeks sobriety, I would have thought they were a huge jerk...BUT, I am just going from what I know and have seen in AA now for a while. You are new and we are here to help you guard your sobriety when you might not recognize how cunning, baffling, and powerful it truly is and while you are learning.
In support and caring,
Mark
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11 weeks (less than 90 days) is not a long time. To stay sober we face some step odds (20 to 1). Ask yourself what you're doing, that's better than the other 19 people that have to go out and drink, so that you can stay sober. Do you feel lucky? You can't help being married to a regular drinker/drug user, but you can reduce the frequency that you are around people drinking/smoking ect... It's ill advised to be going to a bar regularly just to hang out with people drinking. We have a saying "If you hang around the barber shop long enough you will get a hair cut". Relapses come fast and often the person is mystified how it happened later. That's why it's best to keep your distance from alcohol and people consuming it. You could be going to meetings during this time and building your sober network and sober identity. While I think that it's a good idea to invite another sober person to the party for your benefit, what about theirs? There has been many many occurrences where, in situations like this, where both people drank.
I avoid being around drinking as much as possible--I don't enjoy watching other people drink, particularly when that is the main activity. Hanging out in pubs with people who are drinking is NOT a good idea.
Last night I went to a big rock concert, and there were people all around me drinking. The main event, though, was the music, and I was so into that, I barely noticed what people around me were doing. I had dinner earlier at a pub--which is one of the only places we could have dinner within walking distance. But we weren't sitting at the bar, we were at a table, eating dinner. We left when we were done eating.
In both cases, I had a good reason for being where I was, and the alcohol around was incidental, not the reason for being there. See the difference?
It's good that you aren't experiencing urges in those situations YET, but it doesn't seem smart to tempt fate. The situation may arise where something happens--you get angry with your husband or someone else, you've had a bad day, you're feeling celebratory, and before you know it there is a drink in your hand. I've heard of it happening to lots of people.
My sobriety is too important to me to take unnecessary chances with.
To add on to what Lexie said, it's very common for the family and friends of an alcoholic, to be in denial about the alcoholic. "I don't think you have a problem..." which often leads to the family or spouse sabotaging the recovering alcoholics sobriety. Think about it, the drinking spouse is losing their drinking buddy. This is one of the most difficult situations for an alcoholic to get and stay sober in. I have personal experience in this and it wasn't till after two years of attending meetings and relapsing every 2 months, that I realized that I had to get out of the marriage to the still drinking spouse, who insisted on drinking daily in the home we lived in, in order to get sober.
Lexie's point about "a good reason for going to a drinking establishment" to see a band or to have dinner is precisely what is said in the Big Book, however, it's not recommended for people in their first year of sobriety.
What all the others have said. Very sound experience and advise. Sounds like your putting yourself in a dangerous position- or like we say in AA- setting yourself up to fail, rather than setting yourself up to succeed.
I would have loved or liked at least to have these sober fellows speak to me as I first got here and then I wouldn't have listened to them because I wasn't ready yet.
I'd suggest you read you post as if you were someone else in recovery and see how the picture forms again.
When I was finally told to separate or distance my self from all things alcohol which included my then drinking and using wife...I cried because I was being told by someone with more experience than I had and had what I wanted and because I was entering withdrawal from alcohol and the lifestyle I use to live surrounded by and which was a real part of my identity. It made me afraid but not as afraid as dying did.
When I learned that there was a huge difference twix sober and not drinking I wanted sober in the worse way. Share as we all may and will the final decision and act is yours and we are powerless over it all. Suggest? I suggest that you or any real alcoholic wanting a sober life one day at a time listen to those who have shared with you. You might not be ready yet still living in the "think I can" rather than the "No I won't". I do suspect that you brought the plan here for feedback and that you are aware of your condition and instability. In 11 weeks you can hear a ton of suggested change unless you have been doing that 11 weeks with the drinkers rather than the fellowship.
Alcoholism is not a moral issue...It is a disease...for me I am powerless over it without exception. And here I use to think I was different and still cried about letting go. Go figure Good luck.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 02:59:22 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 4th of August 2010 02:59:55 PM
My first thought was .... what the heck are you doing in a bar at 11 wks sober ?
Then something in the book came to my mind.
Chapter 7 working with others pages 100-101 says: Assuming we are spiritually fit we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not suppose to do. Ppl have said we must not go where liquour is served, we must not have it in our homes, we must shun friends who drink,we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes,we must not go into bars, our friends must hide their bottles if we go into their houses,we musnt think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind, there is something a matter with his spiritual status.
I am unsure of the page and exact words, but the book also says that we can get sober regardless of our present circumstances ... provided that We trust God and Clean house.
It blows me away that new ppl come into the fellowship to get sober and we immediately tell them to leave or divorce the drunken or still drinking spouse. That is NOT what the book says.
Aneleh ... If you are shaky, or scarred about this bbq, by all means ask another AA sober member to attend it with you. Ya never know ... it just might be a perfect opportunity to carry a message to someone who is struggling
I wouldn't say that...I would say have a discussion about alcoholism and have him read to the wives (only cuz there is not to the husbands) and the family afterwards in the big book if he wants info...I would not say leave the husband at all...BBQ's are great...even ones where a lot of drinking might be going on....but like Dean said...not a good place to be early on...
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Hi Analeh - congrats on 11 weeks...let's make it another day, shall we?
I attended a party 8 months ago at about 4 months sober (longest stretch to date) and I was fine because... 1) I had two AA "wingmen" with me. 2) My wife wasn't drinking. 3) I had a way out; my own keys & vehicle.
You will have no way out, you're going to have to clean up a bunch of empties and smell weed, your hubby will be drinking and puffin'.
Those are all situations I would NOT allow myself to be in UNLESS I had at least one AA "wingman" on site and ready, willing and able to be there for me 100% should my addicted brain choose that moment to challenge me & my HP.
My wife has not balked at anything yet (well...she didn't enjoy the annual HomeGroup Picnic and Open Meeting) but she understands completely, especially after witnessing two brief but ugly relapses, that Sobriety is Job #1 because without it I'm a liability to her and not an asset.
