I personally cannot offer advise on relationships, and there is no way I can determine if someone else has a problem with alcohol. Honestly, though, if he doesn't have a problem, then how can you enable him? Can't be an enabler unless there is some issue to enable, does that make sense?

On a more personal note--is that how you really want to spend every weekend?

You may want to check out alanon. They're the folks that have had the joy of dealing with spouses and friends and family members who have drinking problems. Perhaps they can answer your questions with more understanding and a different view point than I can.  I wish you well, truly.   Chris

Yes, you did!  This is such blatant alcoholic behavior, but I was afraid to come right out and say it. So, being wiser than I appear, I decided to just let you say it. It worked!!!!!!!

Hi Maxsmom & Welcome!

No, I cannot offer you any advice. I can share a relevant part of my story and it's outcome...but that's it.

I used to drink only on (fill in the sorry rationalization of your choice here) and when I did I drank a lot. I had earned it. I had a job and I paid my bills and I wasn't hurting anybody. I had people who loved and trusted me. I was doing fine. Pulling my own weight.
Then I started breaking my rules but that was okay, because I made the rules. A few people got mad at me, so I hid my bahavior. It was mine to hide, after all. Didn't EVERYBODY drink like I did at some time or another?

Then I screwed up. Turns out there's a whole mess of rules already in place and other people tended to abide by those rules instead of mine, and expected me to do the same.

It was made clear to me by my employer, my wife and my friends that if I didn't do something serious about this problem I would be homeless, jobless, childless and friendless.
I had a choice to make.

I made a choice. Several. Over and over again. Mostly good, too. I took some serious steps; twelve of them to be exact, and I take them over and over again. I walked away from my rules and chose a better set of rules; ones that were tailor-made just for drunks like me.

Now my job is secure, I have new friends, my wife respects me and my kids trust me. I am happier than I ever thought possible. Ever.

My wife always LOVED me...but for a long time she didn't RESPECT me. That hurt her for many years - being with a man she loved but didn't respect.

That's what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now...in a general fashion.


Peace,
Rob

I like that Rob ... never fall in love with anything that is incapable of loving you back.

Maxsmom,
I would also suggest Alanon. I would definately NOT move in with this guy. I would detach myself from the relationship until you see that he is getting help.

Do you really want to live with an alcoholic ??

Maxmom...I suspect he does know he has a problem or else he would not have made the statement about you "enabling him." It also sounds as though he has probably been told he has a problem and all about what being "enabled" means. So...basically, while wren is right that we can't say for sure if someone is alcoholic, I know from my own experience that i put everyone else though hell not accepting my own alcoholism and expecting others to take care of me. I also know that until I accepted I was an alcoholic I never "had a problem with alcohol" even though I was stumbling around drunk every night just about and having health issues from drinking. The most frustrating thing you will put up with from an active alcoholic is the incapacity for them to be honest because they can and will drink their guilty conscience away or think a "sorry" with no behavioral change afterwards is going to fix things. I feel for you and the difficulties you are faced with. It is hard to make these decisions when you love someone.

Mm,

My first husband was an alcoholic who got sober a year before we got married--he got sober in AA and 30 years later has not picked up another drink.

After my marriage ended, I met a new guy and fell head over heels. We met in a bar, and we had champagne in bed the first morning after I stayed at his house. I thought, how romantic! Shortly after we met, I ran across a copy of the AA "Big Book" in his bedroom. I asked, "Um, why do you have this?" He explained that he "once" had a problem with drinking, but he took care of it, and it was now "under control."

We became "drinking buddies" and he moved into my apartment. He wound up almost dying from acute alcohol withdrawal several months later. (Of course, having lost his job, he had NO health insurance and was being told he might need a liver transplant.) He got back into AA, I got back into Al-Anon.

Feeling overly optimistic because my first husband had stayed sober, I married this one. A few short months later we were living in another state, he went back to drinking, and I left him because he was unwilling to choose recovery. Big, complicated mess.

There were huge red flags all over the place, and I ignored them. Some recovering alcoholics are a good bet, others aren't, but one who is still drinking and, moreover, blaming you for "enabling" is not someone with whom anyone is going to have a happy relationship. If you choose to remain involved in a relationship with him, I strongly recommend Al-Anon. I would be VERY leery of complicating your life to the extent of actually living with him, though. That makes it much harder to simply walk away when/if you decide you need to do that for yourself.

It is very tough when you've come to care about someone to simply throw in the towel and walk away. But it doesn't seem that he has any interest, at this point, in changing. Please take care of yourself above all else.