Consider that being a sponsor is work to a degree and relieving your sponsor of that responsibility is a not a bad thing. I'd tell him/her that you've decided to do some work with another sponsor who has some experience in common with you, and that you appreciate the time this person spent with you and that you always will. Tell them that their friendship has been invaluable and that you wish to maintain it.

Give me strength,

I have been in this situation 3 times.  The first time I had to do it I was shaking like a leaf and felt physically sick.  The Sponsor I had was a brilliant sponsor for me in early recovery but became totally unsuitable for me later on. I had really grown to dislike her and her recovery intensely. I remember even now (some 7 years later )....I phoned at 1pm..........she was a bit strange on the phone to me and asked why - I just said that I truly valued all she had done with me but that I wanted a sponsor a little more near my age.....not sure that was tactful....but then tact wasn't her strong point either!!!.  (this woman even grown men in AA are nervous of......)  Anyhow she was not the kindest to me on the phone and all that did was confirm to me that I had made exactly the right decision. Like others have said if your sponsor is working the steps there should be no "oddness" in attitude.  My sponsor tried to ask me who I was going to ask to take her place ........she claimed from a "responsibility" point of view on her side that she needed to know ...........more like a control freak point of view !!!!!! I did not divulge that. It's nobody's business........

The second one turned out very quickly to want to go shopping and socialising alot - as a friend!!!! I don't work well with unclear boundaries so I had to move on.  her, I just told that I wanted somebody nearer my home !!!! (I would say anything to not hurt someone - like the Steps tell us  - be honest except when to do so would injure them or others. She was fine with it.

The final one......well she turned out to be incredibly needy.  I grew to feel repulsed by her behaviour.  I just told her I was concentrating more on another fellowship as I felt it more conducive to where I was at at that time in my life (not the truth) .....Again she was fine with it....

Bottom line is that if your sponsor is not fine with it, I feel that says alot more about her than it does you.  A healthy sponsor will be pleased to have been a part of your recovery ......for however long and will wish you well.

Sometimes I have wondered about not being totally honest as to why I have moved on....as in...would it be more helpful to a sponsor to know the REAL reason why. But I concluded that he/she is NOT my responsibility. My responsibility is to myself. 

I also vowed I would only ever ask a sponsor to temporarily sponsor me in the future!!!............I only ever agree to temporarily sponsor people too......even if it turns out long term......that's fine ....but i have a terror of feeling trapped in a life sentence........my sponsees probably feel the same !!!!!

I admire your courage in having made the decision.......I put it off for ages (only the first time!!) and became quite ill......anxious, uneasy,couldn't think of anything else, frightened.......not a good place for any  AA  to be!!!!!

I wish you well......and whatever his/her response....your main duty is to you.
The bit on Sponsorship in "Living Sober" is helpful and basically confirms what my fellow AAers have shared above.

With love,
Louisa xx

P.S I always remember that even if I TOTALLY mess up and unintentionally hurt someone....I always have my "get out of jail " card  in an amends.......



-- Edited by louisa on Tuesday 3rd of August 2010 10:18:40 AM

I've had two sponsors.  My first sponsor was an oldtimer I could relate to right off the bat.  He was one of the people who spoke at my very first meeting, and I talked with him after.  Within a week, I asked him to be my sponsor.  He had a grumpy, old school personality, loved to talk about the old days in AA and the world in general.  He was exactly what I was looking for, a fatherly figure.  While I never actually fired him as a sponsor, after a few years we drifted apart.  When I went through my divorce, he turned hard core on me - not so much about acceptance and all that, but he wanted me to go hard core on the soon-to-be-ex, and it just wasn't me.  I realized he was projecting his own situation, and his anger at himself for not being hard core on his own divorce, onto me.  So I really never used him in a sponsor capacity after that although we remained friends.  He has since passed away - sober.

I briefly had another sponsor, a guy closer to my age.  I really liked him - he had an unbridled enthusiasm for the program which I initially thought was phony, but as I got to know him I realized it was real.  Unforunately he left town not long after, and he has also since passed away... sober. 

Since then, I haven't had an official sponsor.  It's funny, a couple of times I've brought the subject up in my home group - where the cadre of oldtimers sort of act collectively as my sponsor - and I expected to be chastized for not having a sponsor, but their consensus was if it ain't broke don't fix it.  If AA has taught me anything, it has taught me not to put all my eggs in one basket.  Relying upon any human being is sooner or later going to fail me.  Instead I rely on my Higher Power to provide what I need, and it's frequently in the form of a person He puts into my life at just the right moment, but it may not be - and usually isn't - the same person as it was last time. 

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing at all against sponsorship.  I don't think I'd be sober today if not for the relationship I had with my first sponsor.  I just consider my home group to be my "sponsor pool".  My first sponsor emphasized the home group commitment above all else, and I took it to heart.  It is one thing I've done right and I can point to it as a major factor in staying sober.   What's really interesting is that in that group of oldtimers, I'm now about #3 on the seniority list.  So many of the oldtimers from my early days have passed on.  Now the majority of my "sponsor pool" has less sobriety than I do, and that is well and good - they all have something to offer me, when the need is there and I'm willing to listen.

Barisax

Barisax shared

Instead I rely on my Higher Power to provide what I need, and it's frequently in the form of a person He puts into my life at just the right moment, but it may not be - and usually isn't - the same person as it was last time

My feelings completely, totally.

*Smiling* seems you and I operate in a very similar way in the program. I too have no official sponsor but am close to a couple of women in AA who I have known since I first came into the fellowship. They are there too should I need help with a sponsee and need someone to talk to about it.

I haven't had an official sponsor for 5 years.  I stick to the Steps like glue. Some people still do not agree with my approach and can be pretty vocal about it. That's their perogative! I know some people who still after many years sober still hardly make a move without checking it out with their sponsor.

Sponsorship helped me enormously in the beginning but I love the last paragraph on page 29 in Living Sober ........

" And the best sponsors are really delighted when the newcomer is able to step out past the stage of being sponsored.  Not that we ever have to go it altogether alone.  But the time does come when even a young bird must use it's own wings and start it's own family. Happy flying !"

That paragraph took away my fears and doubts re my thoughts on Sponsorship and "going it alone" which of course, like it says we NEVER are alone.
I know my decision was the right one for me.
Louisa xx

I've been let go as a sponsor several times.  Considering there is a power greater
than myself and my ego is inline it isn't a big deal.  I will always care and
love unconditionally and I never got ownership papers to any person who
asked me for help.  I can be let go for cause or without it.  I have also had
several sponsors myself.  I go with what I need for my sobriety, peace of mind
and serenity.  If I have a need for other sponsorship I tend to take care of
that when I first start the relationship until later.  I've had the experience of
former sponsees mentioning in meetings that I was their former sponsor
without mentioning quantity or quality...had to laugh at that reaction cause
it revealed there was some ego and all about me gunk lining the walls of
my journey.  I am grateful that it no longer happens and grateful that they
continue on in solid recovery working it as it is suggested by the fellowship.
If you take getting fired or replaced personally there is work to still do especially
vertically.    In support. 

I had a sponsor very early on and he was truly a gift from my HP... he taught me a lot... but within a year I knew enough about the process of what I need to do to stay sober and was ready to learn how to live sober... I was honest with him and told him that I needed a change to this day I consider him close friend... the second sponsor I had stayed with me for a couple of years and then I moved away.

For the next ten years I didn't have a sponsor and only just recently got one. And the only reason I did was because I am going through a separation and the beginning of a divorce and I wanted someone who knew me to tell me if I was getting off course.

Now on the other side of the coin as a sponsor I have had a couple of people leave me. The first one needed more time then I could devote and it actually worked out for the best for both of us. Another one came right out and fired me... lol...

We both laughed about it and today I consider this person my best friend...

Im wondering why you dont want this person as your sponsor anymore ???