When is it time to go?

slinkers32 · Newbie

When is it time to go?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I think your question involves personal boundaries. Codependents tend to not have any at all. For me, 1 lie and I'm done with the person.

Tina · Senior Member

Hi Slinkers

Well, I think you already know the answer to those questions, yes 1 lie for me would certainly have an inpact, I was married for 8 years and realized that when the marriage broke down, I had to ask myself if the marriage was worth working on or letting go.

I had not only myself to consider but both of my children, so before you decide just take a good long look at the situation, for you.

Co dependency sucks but take care of you first.

Tina

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Slinkers...Been there!! Done That!! and it's temporary I found out if I
made a program of discovery and change primary. I am a double winner
(weiner when I'm not working the program properly) holding committed
participation and fellowship in both Al-Anon (for spouse, friends, family and
associates of alcoholics) and I am alcoholic (have a life threatening disease
which unattended is fatal).   I decided it was time to go "after" I was working
the program and looking at the reality of how I was there in the first place and
what the consequences of my attempts to fix her had added up to. (She got
worse trying to mimic my drinking and if she had gotten close to how I drank
it would have taken her life...I was not a good mentor for her and teaching
her "how to drink and use" was taking the teacher and the student.

I learned that I could try all kinds of solutions because recovery also included
becoming aware that I had many more choices than a closed mind could
perceive. Consider this first promise I was given that worked at my earliest
for real Al-Anon meeting. It is in the closing statement and say, "If you keep
and open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no
situation too great to be lessened and no unhappiness that cannot be changed"
Perposterous statement for a newbie but it gave me hope to follow thru on my
recovery first and then with a new set of eyes and a brain out of the box that
I'd never used before I would then be able to tackle the "Do questions".

I left when I realized that I first arrived for the wrong reasons and with the
wrong tools and perceptions.   Do your homework first and then make the
choice and a side suggestion from a former sponsor? "Choose the consequence
you want first and then do the action." Rocket science to an alcoholic man just
use to reacting.

In support.   ((((hugs)))) smile

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Slickers! I assume from your post that your the Co-dependent and he's the Alcoholic? Are you in Alanon and he in AA? I've learned from this program and working on my co-dependency that we must first clean up ourselves before we make major changes in our lives. Unless there's a safety issue then we take immediate action. The reason I learned we do this is so we find out why we're attracted to people like this. What's our part in it and work on our personal character so we don't get back into the same cage the next time.  Once we've done this, we have a greater perspective of what we want out of lives and others and start hanging with folks that share similiar values and principles. We gain boudaries and personal respect and are no longer door mates. I've also learned working the 12 steps that I can live with or without my spouse and still be happy.

Now; if your significant other is working a program, assuming AA and still is
__________
The person you are with still has issues with lying, sneaking around, and even cheating.

that would be a red flag to me that there's still many issues and it's time to take care of myself.   I would also question his commitment to the program.
Just my opinion.

Lexie · Senior Member

Slinkers,

I think you might benefit more from posting this at an Al-Anon forum. There are a few around, including one here at MIP.

It's not that I mind your question at all, it's just that people who have been in your situation are the best equipped to help you figure out what you really want from yourself and your relationship.

It can be very confusing living with or being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I've done it a couple of times.

The answer to your question depends on a lot of different things. Al-Anon can help you figure out what's best for YOU.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Being a codependent here...I would say to make up your mind for today that you don't want to be treated like crap... All of this is a day a time. I think today you might demand better and go out on your own. Until you set limits, you are going to get more of the same. We teach people how to treat us through how we act and out of our own boundaries.

And Dean, the codependent does have some boundaries, they are just loose and weak boundaries. :)

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 3rd of August 2010 07:07:49 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mark, "loose and weak boundaries" that get are easily trampled are no boundaries at all. Once we establish strong boundaries with ourselves, we learn to make better choices and magically people start treating us with the respect that we deserve as human beings.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I get you dean...but even in my worst codependency you wouldnt get me to drop certain boundaries...I am not going to have sex with just anyone for approval...I am not going to be "into" certain things no matter how much I want love and approval...maybe I'm not as sick as I thought in this domain. I also have NEVER put up with someone elses crazy drinking and verbal abuse since sober, BUT...i did do that in the relationship I had just before coming into the rooms.

I find that once you learn who you are, it's easier to put your foot down on stuff.

Lexie · Senior Member

I read an interesting list of boundary types on a co-dependents forum. They were classed as "collapsed" boundaries, "rigid" boundaries, and healthy boundaries.

Some people do go too far with the rigid boundaries, putting up walls to protect themselves. I think I've swung a little bit too far in that direction--I tend to not get close to people and avoid personal commitments because I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict in my personal relationships. (Ironically, I deal with conflict for a living, but when it's personal it's very hard for me.)

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Good morning Lexie. What co-dependents website are you using? I used to visit one but it got out of hand with arrogant behavoir and everyone trying to out do the other. I'm interested in learn more about co-dependent behavoir. Can you share your website?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Lexie wrote:

Some people do go too far with the rigid boundaries, putting up walls to protect themselves. I think I've swung a little bit too far in that direction--I tend to not get close to people and avoid personal commitments because I'm very uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict in my personal relationships.

Agreed Mark, I guess mine was an overstatement. Lexie I think that it's typical for us to swing from codependent to counter-dependent just as many codependents swing from compliant to controlling, depending on who we're dealing with.

Lexie · Senior Member

Mike B. wrote:

Good morning Lexie. What co-dependents website are you using? I used to visit one but it got out of hand with arrogant behavoir and everyone trying to out do the other. I'm interested in learn more about co-dependent behavoir. Can you share your website?

It's the one at SoberRecovery

I like the site, and the moderators seem to do a pretty good job of keeping things from getting out of hand.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Thanks, Lexie. I'll check it out.