Aloha Steve...the short of it for me is...Yes I will learn when I am entirely ready.

There is no law that says I gotta drink...and then I stopped.   Keep coming
back.  

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 5th of August 2010 11:00:42 PM

Thanks everyone, also thanks to everyone that PM'ed me the other day before I relapsed, it was like a sign from my HP that I chose to ignore, I love all of you here, your prayers and thoughts are very appreciated...

Thanks, its just that I get so lonely, Im going to not date for at least a year from now I guess... My way is obviously not working..

Thanks Gonee, I found a new local sponsor... He has over 2 yrs and I look up to him. He asked if I was going to a meeting tonight and I said Ill try, he responded via text message that I better not try and to get to the meeting and he will see me there... I am going and think this is the kind of sponsor I need that will keep me focused and hold me accountable.

Just got back from a meeting, going to try to do 90 in 90 and post at least once a day on this site to check in.. Thanks for the continued support everyone...

Steve...you are only as lonely as you make yourself. You need to seriously invest some time in yourself and just doing some things to better yourself...make a stronger and larger support network in the fellowship. Call your sponsor and tell him about going to girl's houses and junk before you do it. I just hooked up with someone who was drinking (the others never drank in front of me) for the first time in sobriety and I am almost at 2 years sober. I was nervous and did not relax for about a half an hour. He was only drinking 1 beer but to me the taste of it on him and the smell reeked. Either way, I did have enough time under my belt to handle that and not relapse and while risking way TMI...it was fun and was not about to make me drink in any way shape or form. If I felt that way, I would have just left...no biggie.

I hit a spell at 29 when my first long term relationship ended also and I wound up living with my parents. I remember my mom saying she thought I was an alcoholic then cuz i was hiding bottles in their house.... To make things worse, I found another alcoholic to date for 7 more years and by the time I made it to the rooms at 36, I was so messed up I would have a panic attack over a hangnail.

So...a sufficient bottom is necessary to start heading upwards. Are you there yet? I would say so. No sense looking for an even lower one that involves jail and institutions...cuz that is right around the corner. Imagine yourself in just a couple of years at 31 with your crap so much more together....I am only saying that because in just 2 years sobriety, I am WAY better than I was, but still have a long ways to go...Keep the faith Steve. Let yourself heal and let it be for good. You have done the experimenting and the "screw it all I don't care" thing to no avail...nothing left to try now but making the program a way of life.

The only way you are going to have quality relationships is through sobriety. The only way you will be good in a relationship is if you are sober and secure in it (meaning sober for a while and settled into what it really is to live life as a sober person). I dated in the first year when told not to but I set firm boundaries on not dating anyone who was a serious drinker. I kinda wish I had waited cuz while relationships and dating do not make me relapse, I could have done without the 2 cheezy break ups, those relationships were really a reflection of me being super fearful and needy and they were lame. I should have had the nads to just hang with friends and have an occasional "date" here and there. I did not understand that I could do that in sobriety. Like you, I had been in relationships since age 18 and felt I could not function outside one... That gut feeling of feeling like a scared little boy that had to be in a relationship an be taken care of all the time is a big part of what kept me actively drinking for so long...

Anyhow, it is time to grow up (for both of us)...the other option of remaining dysfunctional, drunk, and childlike is just so not appealing to me and I don't think it is to you either. It is a scary road. Sometimes it's lonely, but in the end Sobriety will deliver you everything that you thought alcohol was fixing. I promise.

Mark

Steve,
For me it was when I had reached the point of having nothing but utter disdain and contempt  for myself.
My behaviour had reached a point of dedgradation that I never thought possible. I felt a disgrace to the human race. .....and I had had enough.

That was what did it for me. No threats to do with damaging my health or prison bothered me ........it was what I had become that bothered me.

For me, in your situation  and with your patterns of behaviour I would suggest the toughest sponsor going......which it seems you may have !!!  No sob stories about being lonely, or about living at your parents...... Cut that crap right away. ......be grateful you have a roof over your head. No excuses. A tough tough sponsor......you're worth it. Simple.

With love and support always,
Louisa xx

SoberSteve wrote:

---

Thanks, its just that I get so lonely, Im going to not date for at least a year from now I guess... My way is obviously not working..

---

Hey Steve,  ah...yeah,  you ask for PMs and I've sent a couple about staying out of relationships.  I can say this.  My codependency was keeping me from staying sober and I went to Coda meetings along with AA in the first 3 years.  I found out that I was quite a womanizer and probably a sex addict as well.  (you think? )   I learned to curb my loneliness by going to meetings everyday and making friends in the program.  I also learned how to have friendships with women in the program.  

 

 Hi Steve, I am trying to figure out how this on line thingy works.  Well, I wish I could say that the first time I started the program that I never relapsed. But not true.  All I could think of when you said " I was doing so good then. .. . "  Cunning, Baffling, Powerful. Each day that is a good day I have to remind myself that our disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful that it can fool us into thinking that we do not have the disease.  It helps to remind myself that I am an alcoholic whether I pick up or not.  Can't change the past, can't predict the future , stay here in the present. pam

Steve

Dr, Silkworth has a few words here.  You might consider why you choose to drink
instead of working ALL of the program. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Larry
---------------

Dr. Silkworths Rx for Sobriety

Copyright © The A.A. Grapevine, Inc., June 1945

      Anyone who tried to impress a drinking alcoholic with the approach, You cant have your cake and eat it, too, would probably draw a scornful, So what! Who wants any cake? Tony, make it a double this time.

      The same idea expressed as, You cant have your bottle and drink it, too, might get his attention because to a drinking alcoholic a fresh unopened bottle, brimming brightly with abundance, is a symbol of good things to come. He knows well enough, of course, that he cant drink it and still have it, but he blocks his mind to the inevitability of that horrible moment when the last bottle will be empty.

      The untapped bottle remains a symbol to the non-drinking alcoholic, at least to the alcoholic who has dried up in A.A. So long as it stands unopened it represents drinks he has not taken, and the good things of life he has found by not drinking.

      Yet now and then a persevering soul tries to have both the figurative and the liquid contents of the bottle. He tries to make an impossible compromise.

      In the opinion of a man who has administered personally to at least 10,000 alcoholics, the attempt to make this kind of compromise is one of the most common causes of failure to get a safe hold on A.A.

      Dr. W.D. Silkworth, genial and beloved little patriarch at Towns Hospital, New York, for twelve years and now (1945) also in charge of the new A.A. ward at Knickerbocker, also New York, defines it as the alcoholic double-cross.

      The majority who slip after periods of sobriety, says Dr. Silkworth, having double-crossed themselves into thinking that somehow they can have the unopened bottle and drink it, too. Even though they have been in A.A. and going to meetings, and following parts of the program, they have accepted it with reservations somewhere. They actually have been one step ahead of a drink. Then they began playing around with the notion they can drink a little and still have the good things of A.A. The outcome is an inevitable as the bottle becoming empty once it has been opened by the alcoholic.

      When Dr. Silkworth discusses A.A. slips his usually cheerful face becomes serious even a little grim. Through his long years of practice in the field, he has become increasingly sympathetic, but not case-hardened, to alcoholics. He understands what they experience. Having been one of the first in his profession to support A.A. and having guided scores of alcoholics into A.A., he also appreciates the fact that a slip for an A.A. involves an extra degree of remorse and misery.

      Dr. Silkworth is particularly emphatic on one point.

      Slips are not the fault of A.A. I have heard patients complain, when brought in for another drying out, that A.A. failed them. The truth, of course, is that they failed A.A.

      But this mental maneuvering to transfer the blame is obviously another indication of fallacious thinking. It is another symptom of the disease.

      A quick way to get Dr. Silkworths appraisal of A.A. is to ask him how he thinks slips can be prevented.

      First, he explains, lets remember the cause. The A.A. who slips has not accepted the A.A. program in its entirety. He has a reservation, or reservations. Hes tried to make a compromise. Frequently, of course, he will say he doesnt know why he reverted to a drink. He means that sincerely and, as a matter of fact, he may not be aware of any reason. But if his thoughts can be probed deeply enough a reason can usually be found in the form of a reservation.

      The preventive, therefore, is acceptance of the A.A. program and A.A. principles without any reservations. This brings us to what I call the moral issue and to what I have always believed from the first to be the essence of A.A."

      Why does this moral issue and belief in a power greater than oneself appear to be the essential principle of A.A.? First, an important comparison is found in the fact that all other plans involving psychoanalysis, will-power, restraint and other ingenious ideas have failed in 95 per cent of the cases. A second is that all movements of reform minus a moral issue have passed into oblivion.

      Whatever may be the opinions one professes in the matter of philosophy -whether one is a spiritualist or a scientific materialist - one should recognize the reciprocal influence which the moral and physical exert upon each other. Alcoholism is a mental and physical issue. Physically a man has developed an illness. He cannot use alcohol in moderation, at least not for a period of enduring length. If the alcoholic starts to drink, he sooner or later develops the phenomenon of craving.

      Mentally, this same alcoholic develops an obsessive type of thinking which, in itself a neurosis, offers an unfavorable prognosis through former plans of treatment. Physically - science does not know why - a man cannot drink in moderation. But through moral psychology - a new interpretation of an old idea - A.A. has been able to solve his former mental obsession. It is the vital principle of A.A., without which A.A. would have failed even as other forms of treatment have failed."

      To be sure, A.A. offers a number of highly useful tools or props. Its group therapy is very effective. I have seen countless demonstrations of how well your 24-hour plan operates. The principle of working with other alcoholics has a sound psychological basis. All of these features of the program are extremely important.

      But, in my opinion, the key principle which makes A.A. work where other plans have proved inadequate is the way of life it proposes based upon the belief of the individual in a Power greater than himself and the faith that this Power is all sufficient to destroy the obsession which possessed him and was destroying him mentally and physically.

      For many years I faced this alcoholic problem being sure of one scientific fact - that detoxication by medical treatment must precede any psychiatric approach. I have tried many of these orthodox psychiatric approaches and invented some new ones of my own. With some patients I would be coldly analytical, if they were of the so-called scientific type who is apt to have a superior attitude toward anything emotional or spiritual. With others, I would try the scare method, telling them that if they continued to drink they would kill themselves. With still others, I would attempt the emotional appeal, working both the patient and myself into a lather. He might be moved to the point of shaking hands dramatically and telling me, with tears streaming down his face, that he was never going to take another drink. And I knew that the probability was he would be drunk again within two weeks or less.

      Since I have been working with A.A. the comparative percentage of successful results has increased to an amazing extent.

      The percentage of success that A.A. has scored leaves no doubt that it has something more than we as doctors can offer. It is, I am convinced, your second step. Once the A.A. alcoholic has grasped that, he will have no more slips.

 

Thanks Larry, that Dr. Silkworth may have been on to something... I made another day sober, 2 meetings, 2 days.. And FS, Im glad my slips help someone I guess lol... but you better get all you can out of it because I am determined not to fall off the wagon again, I got extra seatbelts on this time around. :)

day 3 meeting 3... it was a good meeting, just checking in.. thanks again to everyone for the prayers and support..

Thanks Lexie, glad you noticed, I felt it was time for a change exactly for that reason :)

Good points, Dave.

My last two serious relationships (one marriage and one guy I lived with for five years) were incredibly bad choices. And the marriage before that one began as a relationship when my first husband was an insane drunk. He was sober when we got married, but when we divorced I went right back looking for the excitement/drama of people who had serious problems. Didn't even see the serious problems until I was way involved.

Bad, bad for me, and probably not what the other people needed, either.

I think I do better alone for the time being. Maybe a time will come when that changes, but for now I need to get to know MYSELF.

Was gone crabbing with my family all day from early am til about 9 pm tonight...so I have a question, I missed my meeting today and I really wanted to do the 90 in 90 so am I disqualified or can I make up for it by say doing 2 meetings tomorrow? Thanks... Day 4 still sober..

It's my understanding that the intention is to get 90 meetings in 90 days, and so it's perfectly acceptable to miss a day and make up for it with two meetings the next.  But it's really up to the individual to decide how they want to construe it, after all it's a voluntary thing in the first place.

To thine own self be true.

Larry_H wrote:

---

 

SoberSteve wrote:

---

Was gone crabbing with my family all day from early am til about 9 pm tonight...so I have a question, I missed my meeting today and I really wanted to do the 90 in 90 so am I disqualified or can I make up for it by say doing 2 meetings tomorrow? Thanks... Day 4 still sober..

---

Start over again, you can do it but it has to be your priority #1, more important than crabbing or anything else in your life.  But that is your decision whether you want it that bad,

Larry,
--------------
The price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice

 

 

---

I'm with Larry also.  I belive that the term "90 meetings in 90 days" was coined in a coy way to get around saying "a meeting everyday for 3 months" due to it's contrasting message to "One day at a time".   It's purpose, besides keeping you sober, during the time that you would normally be drinking, is to teach you that you can schedule life around your meetings, to make your program your #1 priority, self disapline, and personal integrity.   I think  I didn't miss a meeting for the first 3.5 years.  I say that I didn't, but it's getting harder to remember.  I did do something like 120 AA meetings, along with 30 or so NA meetings, in the first 90 days.

 

Just checking in, hit a meeting last night, going to a mens meeting tonight, got 7 days today..

(((Steve)))
7 days! Wow !
WELL DONE !
with love
Louisa
xx

Is that a bad thing? At least Ill stay sober :)

Home group.

Sometimes I look for topics on here that I can use in my home group if nobody comes up with anything or if I'm chairing the meeting and need to come up with something.

I think the "fake it till you make it" thread can make for a great topic, if there are newcomers around I think it's important to hear different people's take on the meaning of that phrase, because just by itself it sounds trite and dishonest.  I actually had that ready as a topic last week but somebody else brought up a topic first, so I'll hold it in reserve.

As for Steve one post at a time, absolutely.  Keep it going.  I wasn't able to do 90 in 90 when I first got sober - I probably did 75 meetings in my first 90 days, and I probably went at least 20-21 days in the beginning.  However I did have a streak where I didn't miss my home group for a period of over 3 years.  I wasn't trying to prove anything - I just looked back on it and said dang, I never did ANYTHING that consistently in my life before.  I did eventually do a 90-90 beginning around the time I got my 12-year coin.  It covered the period of time when I took my one and only stab at a relationship with someone in AA.  Probably a good thing.  I learned a lot about myself, and confirmed my suspicion that I was attracted to psychos.  After that experience, knowing that my base instinct for the opposite sex was predisposed to failure, I pretty much switched off all active pursuits for a period of years.  And enjoyed the longest stretch of peace of mind I've had, ever... still going, really, 9+ years later.

Barisax

enjoying your own company is an amazing thing, once you get the hang of it. look for low budget hobbies like used cd collecting. you can go to used cd stores, look for an hour, set down with 6 or 8 cd's that you've never heard and listen to them. Maybe buy one for $5 or not, it really doesn't matter but you've entertained yourself and learned about some new music. in the first 3 years of sobriety, I spent my beer money on used cds and collected about 500. I've still getting great use out them as I have a 300 cd changer in my mountain home that plays constantly while I work, commercial free.

Larry,

I like that quote a lot...

StPeteDean wrote:

---

My first sponsor said in times like that you just need to take care of it yourself. 

---

 And clearly we all have internet access... just sayin...

Who me? 

Another day. another meeting, off to enchanted forest tomorrow to celebrate my son turning 7 last wed... The journey continues :)

..... bump..... !

Still here, still sober, still going to meetings, thanks guys, just a bit busy.. 12 days strong today :)

lol I wont :)

Still sober.. getting ready for a meeting... had a bad headache all day, guess its just a reminder of how Id feel everyday if I was drinking :)

((((Steve))))
Good going......
Hope you're feeling better headache -wise.
Louisa xx

Good luck on the interview Steve!

Interview went well and now my old job wants me back, great things happen when you stay sober and do what HP wants you to do...16 days and counting .. :) Thanks everyone for all the support! I love MIP :)

((((Steve))))
That is wonderful news........God! I feel so happy for you. You are SO worth all these good things that are beginning to happen for you!!!!!

Brian shared

I can tell you from personal experience that THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!

That is so true......I can second that promise !!!! Taking it a day at a time, it is astonishing where we can end up. .... The miracle is happening for you too!!!!
Good for you Steve!!!!
(((A BIG HUG)))
Louisa
xx

That IS good news, yes, congratulations.

You talk about not handling loneliness well, not enjoying doing things alone like watching movies or walking.

I may not be the best person to give advice because actually I ENJOY being by myself, maybe for two reasons:

1. I think I never really liked crowds but always tried to seek them out and fit in anyway because that's what "normal" people are supposed to do. But that's not necessarily normal, it's just culturally typical in the United States, where the majority of the population is extroverted. It' not like that in many other countries, where being alone and pursuing your individual interests is considered perfectly fine and a worthwhile way to spend your time. Once I realized that I was just faking my enjoyment of groups to conform to some arbitrary social norm, I felt a lot more comfortable being by myself.

2. I really, truly don't think I'm totally alone because my higher power (Jesus, in my case), is a solid, real, presence. I find myself talking to him all the time. I guess technically that's praying but it feels more like a conversation to me. If you haven't put much time into developing in that direction, it might be worthwhile. Just a thought.

Good luck Steve!

Yeah, what's up, dude?

Good job Steve... keep it up

Way to go Steve. Just a suggestion here though. It's great to be anxious to get your 90 chip, but remember that all we really have is today. I only want to remind you of this because there was a woman at my home group that could talk of nothing but getting her 90 day chip, and wouldn't focus on the day in front of her. She never made it past 30 days, and as far as I know is out there right now doing what alcoholics do. This reminds me of something that's written in the front of the 24 hours a day book...

Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very Life of Life.
In it's brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power-

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.


-Sanskrit proverb written by Kalidasa

One day at a time, at work Steve. Apply the principals and be remain grateful.

ROCK ON STEVE!!! That's great news. Now think about this...the best amends we make are the ones we can make every day. Sounds like a good opportunity. Take it easy, and make sure to find some balance in your life...your worth it.

Brian

25 days sober today :) Life keeps getting better...I just have to remind myself that Gods plan for me does not involve alcohol..

Started my first day back at my old job... it went better than expected :) 26 days sober today..

(((Steve)))
That is so lovely to hear.
A big hug!
Louisa xx

Good job Steve... a day at a time... well done

30 DAYS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

A smiley face for each day!!!

right on Steve!

Yes, good for you. Be vigilant. Have some ice cream if you want.

Bump! How we doing? 

LOL... me too... how is it going Steve?