Confused about Al-anon

SteveCyn · Newbie

Confused about Al-anon

barisax · Senior Member

Well since it's not a card came, there's really no trumping going on. Only choices and consequences. Alanon does not provide a list of dos and don'ts or a decision table. It's a program just like ours, of recovery - for them, not us. What each person chooses to do, on up to and including terminating the relationship with the alcoholic completely, is entirely their own choice. People may make suggestions forcefully (as in the form of a "command") but that doesn't elevate them above suggestions unless the person believes them to be such.

I've heard one person describe her own Alanon choices: when her husband passed out on the bedroom floor, she no longer tried to wake him up, clean him up, get him into bed. However she did throw a blanket over him while stepping over him on her way to bed.

I didn't bail my daughter out of jail when she got busted. Another family member bailed out her boyfriend though... but not her. I think he must have been her supplier or something, LOL. I felt bad about not bailing her out but - had I done so, I might have deprived her of her moment of clarity, which occurred after some time in jail alone. She has been sober ever since.

So have you asked yourself, had your wife done what you asked that day, instead of "I was finally able to do it myself and got there", would the outcome have been different?

My daughters (ex) boyfriend had a resentment for years about how they "set him up" to bust my daughter. Had that not happened, would she be sober today? Or would she have OD'd and died the next day? Stuff happens for a reason in God's world, and that trumps everything.

Barisax

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Steve...and thanks Barisax...this is a good post "a learner" as I have
to understand. I am what is called a "double" both Al-Anon first and then AA.
That is just how HP wrote out the perscription for me and how I followed thru
on it. I learned about the danger of resentments in both programs with side
courses in blaming. I cannot afford them in either program however what I
can afford is open mindedness understanding and the ability to accept large
amounts of reality taken with small bites. That means being able to look
at the picture from my shoes and the shoes of the "other" and being able to
accept the reality of both views and the responses or actions taken without
thinking that it "oughta, shoulda, woulda, coulda" been done differently just
because it was "all about me". I learned how to say thank you unconditionally
for the support given and kept my participation down to those two words "Thank
You" and pass on the rest. I never asked God to sanctify my complaints then
and I don't do that now.

If what is anchoring you to two years in the past and a resentment against your
wife (who by the way were the easiest targets for me) or anyone else I'd suggest
building a picture of you holding an acetelyne torch and cutting that chain so
you can move on. If you haven't done that maybe it is within the fear of telling
her "thank you" for not interfering with my responsibilities (probably what she
was doing on purpose praying that you would be able to save your own life so
that she could continue loving you). Might you not want also to write that
resentment on a new piece of white paper, talking with your sponsor about it
and then setting a match to it (away from other flammables of course) as it
might fall into the category of a "Burning resentment". Another white piece of
paper entitled "Gratitudes" could include her name and what she did or didn't
do that helped you work on your own solutions.

We cannot afford resentments for the reasons the Big Book mentions it. I do
not need excuses to arrive at reasons to drink again and I no longer need proof
that it could happen against my very best intentions.

In support Steve. smile

Ooooh PS...In AA when a resentment leads a fellow back into the drink that is
a relapse. In Al-Anon a relapse occurs when you first entertain a resentment as
a justification to blame...no booze needed.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 29th of July 2010 04:11:04 PM

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

My missus isn't alanon, but while I was drinking, she bailed me out of the consequences for so long I wouldn't take any responsibility for my actions. She don't bail me out no more, in other words she lets me sort my own messes out, rather than continuing with her enabling behaviour.

My moment of clarity came when I got arrested and was in the police station. In the UK we're entitled to one phone call (the plod determine when you get it though.) I called my missus (we'd been separated 10 months by then. The desk sergeant made the call on loud speaker, so when he told her that I'd been arrested and wanted to talk to her , I clearly heard her say, No, I've had enough, lock the bastard up and throw away the key.

The moment of clarity? I realised right there and then that no-one but no-one was going to come to my rescue, I had to face up to my behaviour and take the consequences. I had to stop drinking and to sort my life out. That's when I started on this path.

We're still separated (been nearly 5 years now) but we are best mates.

If you managed to call your missus, you were capable of calling a taxi and you shoulda called the taxi yourself earlier than you did.

She takes responsbility for her actions, not yours. You gotta take responsibility for your actions yourself.

Lexie · Senior Member

I'm another "double winner," and I don't know whether I would have made the call or not, but I can understand the decision not to make it for you. Living with an active alcoholic is one drama after another. If you were having a seizure in front of her, she probably would have called 911. However, what she had on the phone was an alcoholic who was capable of calling her, asking her to "rescue" him by making a phone call herself. She (rightly, as it turned out) believed that you could make your own phone call, rather than allow herself to be sucked into yet another drama not of her making.

FWIW, it was probably a VERY difficult thing for her to do. Al-Anons have spent so much time and effort and worry and tears and suffering in futile attempts to "help" that we have to make a concerted effort not to keep doing it. It's not that we don't care, it's that we care so much that we lose ourselves in someone else's disease. We don't help ourselves, and we don't help the alcoholic, when we do that. We just make it easier for things to NOT CHANGE.

I second the thought that you work on letting go of the resentment. No doubt over the years you both have plenty you've acquired against each other. Let her work on letting go of hers, and you work on letting go of yours.