I've been doing some serious reflecting. I started this program over 10 years ago. I was "sober" for a couple of years, then after a while of not going meetings ended up on a 10 year relapse. I always heard the phrase, "Fake it til you make it". So I did. EXCEPT I took it as an excuse to not WORK the program. I waited for some magical enlightenment to hit me. Looking back, I never really got sober, I just got dry. So, now, as I am EARNESTLY and DESPERATELY seeking sobriety, not just dryness, I realize what that phrase really means. It means that while I am DESPERATELY and GENUINELY learning, I repeat, LEARNING how to work this program I need to fake it til I make it. To me it means, staying dry, while I learn what working the program really means. It also means, to me, to truly truly, whole heartedly turn it to God, and work it. It doesn't happen in an instant. It doesn't happen in a day, and for me it's probably not going to be anytime in the next few months. I'm going to have to "fake it til I make it", until I work the program, and work it some more, and just be glad that each day that I am sober gives me another day to learn the program and learn how to BE sober. Does that make sense? For now, even turning it to God is probably not what I'm doing. But I'm trying. And I am desperate for this. I haven't had a drink since Saturday, today is Thursday. I believe that puts me on day 5? So I have been sober for 4 days, on my 5th right now. And for that, I am thankful.
I really detest the expression. I wish it could be reworded into something less sarcastic and closer to what you're actually doing. "Do it till you get it" perhaps. It says I'm willing to put one foot in front of the other, work the program, keep coming back, go through the motions - and do that on faith even if I don't believe it or understand it - and through this work, the belief and understanding will come. And that the belief and understanding, like the work, is a process not a blazing event of sudden enlightenment.
But alcoholics are fundamentally dishonest and sarcastic, and "fake it till you make it" reflects both nicely and if a newcomer can relate to it, I guess it's ok. I just hate the wording of it because it sounds to me like it's saying "pretend you're happy". I've never gotten sober or gotten happy from phony affirmations, only from work and walking the walk. Looking in the mirror and doing the Al Franken "Darn it, I like myself!" sets of the self-loathing in my mind because above all, I hate a liar (don't particularly care for Al Franken either... LOL) and I don't want to look at one in the mirror spouting phony, feel good bullshit. This isn't negativity, it's reality - in order for me to even begin to accept myself, I have to stop lying to myself. And that means to quit "faking" anything. Working the steps is not faking, it's doing. In the mean time, I'm far less likely than most to say I'm "fine" when I'm not. I generally say I'm ok, and people say "JUST OK???" and I say yeah, what the fuck is wrong with that? You'd think after 10 years, people would know me better than that.. LOL.
The sequence of events is acceptance-->action-->results-->belief. I spent a lot of years trying to get to belief without doing the other three, thinking they would follow, and refusing to take any action without first having firm belief. I suppose I had to have a shred of belief to take the first step; that came from the happy, sober people I saw at my first meetings. The people that weren't faking anything, because they had no agenda other than to pass on what they had been given.
EXACTLY what I was trying to say, and didn't have the words. You describe it perfectly...."Do it til you get it." You're right, Fake it til you make...it doesn't really cut it. And you are right about not faking stuff. I've been faking I'm ok for a while now. When every day I lived in fear. Fear that my neighbors would find out how much and often I was drinking, fear that I'd start to drink more than I already was. Fear that my kids would realize what a drunk I realy was. Fear I'd get too drunk the night before x-mas to be able to cook x-mas dinner the next day. TONS of faking, due to fear. I don't want that ANYMORE! I'm done with it. All I can at this juncture is put one foot in front of the other and desperately, and whole heartedly seek sobriety, staying sober each day, one day at a time. I don't really like "one day at a time" either because I don't want to pick up a drink every again in my entire life.
Great post Danielle...the courage to put it out there really supports others like myself. You reminded me of another way of looking at that process which is "Act as if". I learned how to parrot my sponsors and the other old timers in the program and then like FS inputted my mind caught up with it all. It really was as the others were saying in the rooms..."You cannot think yourself into better living you have to act yourself into better thinking" or something close. My own personal slogan is "Practice, Practice, Practice." In support
I do not know where these expressions originate from, but they definitely sidetrack people from real recovery in the AA book. That was one of the reasons the AA book was written, but despite all this information there still exists so much ignorance. The forward to the 1st edition of the AA book clearly states "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary." The founders have of AA were absolutely convinced that AA program works. Instead we should be saying, It works if you work it. Not fake it. Befogged mind and all my sponsors forced me into recovery. I was forced to take a 4th and 5th step. Despite myself, and my stupidity and my selfish pride, I had a spiritual experience which got me to return to sanity so that I will not pick up that drink for relief, no matter how badly I felt.
Danielle...Step 2 says "Came to believe" at the start. What this means is that it does take time and it is a process of your beliefs about God/HP/or spirituality evolving and letting it happen. Surrendering to the program is as good a start as you need. The program is a higher power...Recovery is a higher power...Healing is a higher power....The rooms are a higher power...just let it evolve from there until you come to believe in whatever is your own ultimate truth. Make sense?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Danielle, Please hang in there and re-read these posts again...and again...and again.
My disease was born from forces I still don't understand but I know darned well that it grew to maturity and gained power over me through repitition. Repitition. Repitition. Repitition.
My disease is put into remission the same way.
If I wasn't drunk enough yet...I drank more. When I'm not sober enough...I work recovery more.
Repetition. Repitition. Repitition.
Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens. We Love You, Danielle. That's what we do. Meetings come & go, rise & fall but YOUR SOBRIETY is YOUR job #1.
