i am so new and don't know what to do about my situation. i have been clean for 9 months and doing it on my own and going to an outpatient group once a week. i decided to go to a meeting the other day because i absolutely had to and when i left i felt really great and like that was the right decision and felt really happy. so i went back the next day and left totally freaked out. there was a woman there who had relapsed and was also new to that group but not the program. she told me that she newcomers are supposed to sit at the table with the old so old and new can mix ( i have no idea if this is true for this group). so i went to the table with her and now looking back i have no idea if this is the right thing to do. she kept grabbing my hand and i gave it to her of course to give what little support i could. i don't know what to do when someone has relapsed, i can't even help myself right now... when they started giving out the chips and the 24 hour i know she was trying to help and had also been drinking...but she tried to get me to get one and i just shook my head and felt totally embarassed. i feel like i did it all wrong and even though i know she was trying to be helpful, i feel embarassed about how i handled it. during all of this there was one lady there who mouthed "come back tomorrow" to me. and that gave me comfort and might be the only reason i go back although i know i really need this. i am at a total loss. and i am sorry if i have said too much but i am extremely confused!!
oh and where do i stand with chips?? that was another thing i didn't understand. i have 9 months clean but just started the meetings...i didn't know if i was supposed to get a 24 hour chip or what?? that was also part of the reason for my embarassment, i don't know where i am with that? i am so new and fresh and i just dont know.
Hi Maddy, and welcome to the MIP AA board. Don't worry about anyone's perception, there are no rules in AA, like where to sit in meetings. If you're sober 9 months then you should get a 9 month chip regardless of when you started going to meetings. That lady that you sat with is obviously not doing well. You were very kind to sit with her. Relax and enjoy your meetings.
You get chips for "milestones in recovery" (that's how they say it at my homegroup). 24 hours is a big milestone when it's your first day not drinking! The funny thing is, the lady who kept grabbing your hand was trying to reach out and help you, and by doing so, help herself! That's one of the cool things about AA--we strengthen our own sobriety by reaching out to others.
It's understandable you felt a little confused and embarrassed, but trust me, the last thing anyone at the meeting is going to do is to judge someone for sitting in the wrong spot or picking up the wrong kind of chip. The only wrong thing you can pick up is a drink! (Or another newly sober person of the opposite sex, lol).
Congrats on your nine months--that's excellent, and it doesn't matter that you didn't get them in AA. AA will help make your sobriety smoother and more pleasant.
If I can make a suggestion, when you go back for your next meeting (you ARE going back, aren't you? Yup, I knew you would.), raise your hand, and tell people your name, that you've been sober 9 months, and that you are looking forward to learning about AA. I'll bet some folks come up to talk to you afterward and fill you in on some of the local "customs".
Maddy...she probably latched on to you cuz you were a new face and other people know something is wrong with her. Other people probably thought you were a brand newcomer cuz of her. Either way, speak up and share and let them know who your are and your sobriety time and whatever else you feel is important. Nothing to worry about. Also, sit wherever you want...you will get to know everyone in due time anyhow. Welcome here by the way!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Aloha Maddy...the rooms can be very scarey at times to sensitive addicts and alcoholics. We scare easy until we learn that "no rules" thingy Dean mentioned. We learn to come to get first and then stick around to give after we feel more comfortable and have learned stuff that worked for others which was given to us free and then worked for us. You've been working it alone and got 9 months clean...WoW!! tells me you really want it. Over coming fear is a very major endeavor for us as fear is the most major emotional defect of the recovering membership. Facing life without the high or the buzz or the drunk is a very different way of living...totally different. This too will pass...keep coming back and watch it pass. In support (((((hugs)))))
hi Maddy, all meetings are a little bit different, because the people that attend them are all different. "There are all kinds in AA", and you unfortunately got a very early look at someone who made you feel rather uncomfortable. Fear not! The majority of the people in AA will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable and happy to be there, and help you adjust without being so "needy".
Just a little side note of my own, no one can "touch" you without your permission, no matter how harmless it may be, or how harmless the other person's intentions. Most people in AA will respect your personal space, as they would like theirs to be respected as well. A lot of people hug each other at meetings once they develop friendships, but the way this lady that relapsed who was grabbing your hand would be disturbing to a lot of us if we were new to meetings (myself included). So try not to feel like you "felt" something you shouldn't have. You have every right, at any time, to decline having your hand held like that.
You are right where you belong, in AA. And with 9 months sober as well, congratulations! That is something to be celebrated, and I hope that you find a different meeting tomorrow and speak up about your sober time. Many there will celebrate with you the miracle of 9 months without a drink or drug, one day at a time!
((((safe cyber-hugs)))) Joni
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Friday 23rd of July 2010 12:44:35 AM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
That lady that you sat with is obviously not doing well. You were very kind to sit with her. Relax and enjoy your meetings.
Couldn't agree more. You handled the situation with grace and empathy. WELL DONE!!!!
Like has been said not all folk who attend AA meetings are well.....we are all at various stages of our journey.......but you are doing brilliantly! Try not to let what happened deter you. I had a lady grab my hand one night and she just wouldn't let it go - then she started sobbing - she had clearly been drinking. She held my hand for nearly the whole hour and half. To be honest I felt terribly self conscious and nervous (and I was over 2 years sober!!!) - had all kinds of thoughts going through my head.........I don't know what happened to her - haven't seen her since - but I hope at least her being able to hold my hand may have brought her some comfort.
whew. thanks to all of your advice!! all of ya'll made me feel so much better and i an definitely willing to go back. i would get out there and go to all different kinds of meetings but in my small town only a few are offered. one in the morning and one at night. so i will definitely go back and take your advice and speak up and get a sponsor and start to work the steps the right way asap. i was just really confused and all of ya'll have helped me out alot!! thank you to all of your support and help!!
By the way, most cities have meetings that are specifically designated "Beginner's" or "Newcomer's" meetings. It's OK to go even though you have 9 months of sobriety (and congrats on that). They usually will have a question and answer period where newcomers are encouraged to ask questions like yours. Just google "[Your City] AA" and hopefully they will have a website you can check out with upcoming meetings. If not, they probably have a hotline you can call.
Everyone was new once and in my experience they are very understanding and willing to share. I hope you keep coming back.
gosh, thanks louisa...this makes me feel great!! lots of (((hugs)))! thank you for sharing your experience with me..it makes me feel a hundred times better!!
Don't worry about embarrassment, you can't do or say anything that hasn't been said or done before. Everyone has those moments and everyone accepts (should) that .
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Maddy, Welcome. Nope...no "rules", just guidelines and suggestions. We're there to help and helped on...our...terms.
There are two guys at my homegroup meetings that I won't sit next to because their hands cause me revulsion. One has big. bloated, scirrosis/diabetic hands with yellow unkept talons for nails. I get dry heaves when I hold his hand to 'circle up' for closing prayer.
The other guy works with cattle all day, I've never seen him waqsh his hands at the buffet, his hands stink of visible cow piss stains. He thinks he's being cute when he snatches chips or cookies off my plate. I wanna puke.
When the old guy needs a hug...he gets a hug. When the young guy wants an eye-to-eye handshake and a supporting smile...he gets it. That's what we do.
Whadda you do? That's up to you. All that matters is that you keep coming back.
i did end up going back and it was great. i went to a night instead of day meeting where that happened and it was really good for me. like i said, there aren't many to choose from where i live...but i did find a couple more by asking last night. so i plan on going to those as well, they are each only once a week but i definitely want to go since one is a women's group. so once again thank you for help with this!!
We all start wherever we can in finding a power greater than ourselves. It is just a logical thing really - if you don't have any power over alcohol and your life, then obviously you're gonna have to get some help from something more powerful than yourself. A few nice little early things that people have used:
"G-O-D = Group Of Drunks" "G-O-D = Good Orderly Direction"
Don't sweat the God thing, you may spend the rest of your life coming up with your own understanding of it (which will probably change) but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're willing to open your mind at least a crack to the idea that there may be a power greater than yourself in this Universe, and that this power can be tapped into in order to relieve you of your obsession to drink. You don't have to understand it, probably none of us do either. We just know it works because we've seen the results.
