New here, joined due to girlfriend being on another board I was on.
I hear it said and have been told that I can't understand. I read and hear it about spouses , friends , pretty much anyone that is not in the fellowship.
Problem is, I have been sober and working at my sobriety for close to 5 years and just don't talk about it so much. I like to listen and wait to be asked instead of pushing my view. Done and am doing the work, building a good life, have no shame about being an alcoholic just don't make it who I am so it bothers me when people who don't know me or about my recovery use that line. I think it creates distance and in fact pushes people away. Since this ruffles my feathers a bit I am curious as to what others feel.
Hello Izzit and welcome to the board. I'm not very anonymous, but anonymity is the foundation of our program. It's a personal thing. I feel that most all people, that I come across react to finding out about my sobriety in a manner reflecting my attitude about it. If I come across happy, joyous, free, and grateful then they are generally upbeat, positive, and very approving. So I say it without hesitation, that I don't drink and that I quit because I wanted to live and live healthier. I don't bother to say that I'm a recovering alcoholic much, I feel it's just unneccessary.
quote: So I say it without hesitation, that I don't drink and that I quit because I wanted to live
Those words pass my lips many times a week. I never quit being happy and excited about my decision to live free from drinking and I think it shows in mine/our zest for living for today
Hey Izzit,Welcome,congrats on 5 years sobriety ,keep on "living".The only thing I can suggest is that we ,although we are human, we have an option on how we choose to decipher what others say to us! For me,I have to practice tolerance toward others each and every day.I work on not allowing others who may be in the dark about my condition have any shot at "stealing my joy" because of how I read into what they are saying....Is it easy ,no way,sometmes I would like to scream,but spiritual priciples of the program and an immediate call to the God of my understanding helps me adjust quickly..I also will share my experience,strength and hope with anyone if asked.I directly share that in program with groups of my peers and others if open groups.....I am a firm believer in 'It works if you work it"somedays just much harder than others...When I keep my spiritual condition humming like a fine tuned engine,I m usually pretty good ,no matter what others say!!Glad you stopped in,keep coming back....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Great Post! It never stops amazing me how life is with sobriety. Never knew life could be so cool. I like to show people thru my actions instead of explaining my recovery! And believe me that is a new thing because I always felt like I had to explain everything to everyone before sobriety!
"I can't understand".... or "You wouldn't understand".... that's ok for me today. There is plenty about this world and the people in it that I don't understand, and plenty about me that many others will never understand, either. It doesn't have to make me feel bad. Thank God ther are millioins out there who DO understand me, or who understand my family's Al Anon point of view and concerns... no one is every truly alone in anything, I find...
great topic, and welcome to the family!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Aloha Iz...also a welcome from the Pacific. I like the responses and was reminded of early lessons regarding the issue myself. If I don't make it an issue, it won't be or isn't. I've learned lots of compassionate responses to things that use to drive me nuts when I was outside of the program. I had to learn them by being in the program and keeping and open mind and taking my time (24 hours at a) to learn from the elders. Congradulations on five years of not drinking and welcome to further growth and understanding. One of the lessons within openmindedness I learned was letting go of fear and self centered believes and reaching out to others asking "help me" "help me to understand" while keeping my own narrow perceptions locked down so they didn't get in the way of what was being given to me. I also learned how not to be defensive when that "you don't understand" statement was passed on me by responding "you might be right for now." My sponsor was deep into humility and his definition of humility was "being teachable" along with "everyone at sometime or another, is the teacher if you keep and open mind." He taught me the value of self questioning..."Could I be wrong?"...barfy question when you consider the answer held up against my pride and ego. "Could I stand being wrong and why not?"
Today, if it is called for, and the subject of alcoholism comes up and I have an opportunity to support understanding I will identify my self as "alcoholic". I don't use the description "an alcoholic" because I suffer from a life threatening disease, a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. I am not a fan or a member of some exclusive club. On the outside no one can tell I am alcoholic or for that perspective matter, tuberculic or catholic. It is a part of me not all of me and I am grateful for the fellowships and every other person who has helped me understand and then allowed others not to.
Keep coming back...in support and hope some of that helped.
Welcome, Izzit! I've only had to hold up my disease as a defense to non-alkie/addicts twice. Both were VERY insistent and friendly drunks who wouldn't take "no thank you" or even "I'm on the job" as a reason.
As far as all other human beings are concerned, knowledge of my alcoholism and recovery is on a "need to know" basis. My HP & I decide who "needs to know."
I was probably trying to be diplomatic with my words and failed a bit
When a friend from my group made the comment to me about how his spouse could never understand I asked how much time he had spent talking and trying to create an understanding and he just looked at me and said "she is not in AA or anything else so there was no point" That thinking is what bothered me because I have heard it before and had it said to me by a person who did not know me well and to me it is wrong to have that attitude. I know the grief I caused with my drinking. My spouse, who stuck it out and was still there for a long time after I quit was more than deserving of my time and patience to try and create all the understanding I could whether she attended meetings or not
So, I guess the longwinded point was that a lack of understanding by someone may well be me failing to create the understanding or spending the time trying to create it. It should not be used as a way to dismiss (sp) another person
Good point Izzit. When my GF (now my wife) were dating about 17 years ago, she thought that I must not be doing to well, in my recovery at 3 years, because I was still attending 3 or 5 meetings a week. She was thinking about ending the relationship. One night I sat down with her for about 3 hours and explained how getting sober was just the entrance fee to sobriety and recovery so that we could begin the long (life long) process of self analysis (inventories) and behavior modifications (removing defects of character) so that we could live a well adjusted and happy life. And in the process give away what we had learned to the newcomers to pay forward the gifts our sponsors/groups handed us. I spoke of the spiritual aspect and the development of our relationship to our Higher power and how it was a daily contact and how our lives were sparred, one day at a time. She was overwhelmed and her her whole attitude changed.
As a therapist...(and I know I'm not supposed to pull that hat out here but I do anyhow), there is only one answer to this statement if it is someone you care about... The response I have been taught is "Well then explain it to me so I can understand as best as possible." A statement like "you can't understand" is usually made to cut someone off, avoid opening up, or to defend belonging to a group (in this case AA) that other's might not belong to.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 22nd of July 2010 09:10:57 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Those words pass my lips many times a week. I never quit being happy and excited about my decision to live free from drinking and I think it shows in mine/our zest for living for today