Aloha Fellowship...It's time to input and be responsible.  I had mentioned that
I was backing out for a while in reaction to how another share was shared.  I
took responsibility for how I thought others would think about it and feel about
it instantly coming to the conclusion that my own thoughts and feelings were more
on target and therefore justified (not a word I like and still a behavior I use at
times).  I am most fastest at pointing out to another member that there is "NO
justification" for a drink.   There is "NO justification" for placing my spiritual condition
in jeapardy either.

I've been inventorying.  I've been inventorying with feedback from this board and
mahalo (thanks) for your support always.  I pulled out some old awarenesses
from prior inventories and treatment work to help me accept the reaction I had
to another persons share...not what they were trying to share but how they were
sharing it and while some might have the benefit of glossing over what led me
to react as I did I don't have that grace.  How I reacted comes from how I am
and how I have to work this spiritual program of recovery in order to be on the
same planet with my fellows.

My nickname when I was younger was the Lone Ranger my personality is neatly
split right down the middle.  The Lone Ranger complimented a personality of
isolation and evasion from trauma and drama (I was born into the disease of
Alcoholism so evasion was at times the only tool in my tool box).  I built another
personality around those times I could not flee...I learned the character of rage
and violence which had another spelling of my given name.  I practiced this
personality with daily intent until I no longer had control over it if indeed I had
ever had any control of it. 

One of the ways it presents itself is by taking offense even when an offense
can not be seen by others...grudge, resentment, hyper alertness and more. 
Like the Big Book infers...what it is, is fear.

Someone said something in a way that made my other personality afraid.  The
language was the language of my out of control drinking days and my reaction
then was fight...fight always, armed, unarmed, manipulation, control anything
so that I could conquer what I perceived (always ill perceived) what was trying to
subdue me.  I never dreamed but nightmared and did some very outrageous
things when trying to act out a solution.   And I drank hypervigilant also.

When you drink during hypervigilance you drink attempting not to get drunk
for fear while you are drunk you might be overwhelmed and subdued by whatever
unseen forces are out there.  Paranoia before the drunk and because of it. 
This form of drinking can be fatal because I kept on drinking rarely giving in
to the effects.  One consequence is toxic shock; overdose...been there, done
that.

I haven't drank in years.  The last time my old hypervigilant personality came
back home was last week on this board and I reacted.   I forgot what I have
taught to other men of violence and that is to give myself no less than 3 seconds
before the event and my reaction.  My intentions were and are good but as
my sponsor has reminded me, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".
My value system is for me a good value system and it is the "for me" part that
I need to remember and not attempt to filter "the" program thru.  My values
are a part of "my" program which is the identifiable character of "the" program
as I have been taught it.  I need to keep in mind that when I am in service to
another and to the program some one might need to get to me to get to HP
and not the other way around. 

I need to stay aware that my reaction might honestly be a resentment
against another program fellow who was trusted and accepted by the
local fellowship and who not is in prison for behaviors he kept from the
fellowship which would have altered our trust.   Can we (I) be had? In a
heart beat and that is about as long as I allowed myself during this event.
Back to the humility lessons.  

I walked off for a while for me and for my serenity only.  Is my sobriety at
times fragile?  I've been around along time and watched Alcoholism take down
some very sober people with tons of sober time.  Is my sobriety fragile?  Is
alcoholism a fatal disease?  I can only keep watch over my own recovery.  That
is a requirement for each of us alone.  Beyond that its the practice of "abandon
myself to God as I understand God...Admit my faults to Him and to my fellows...
clear away the wreckage of the past and come and rejoin us...  ((((hugs))))