I know that there are about a zillion character defects at work here. But there's only so much I can do about that right now.So I'll keep it simple:Just give me advice on what course of action you think would be most likely to help keep me sober.'Cause right now I'm on the verge of saying the "**** it" prayer with regard to this situation, and if I'm close to saying that, I may be close to saying it with regard to sobriety in general.I am an alcoholic, after all.
I've worked as a karaoke host in an Indian restaurant/bar for close to three years now.At first this was just a side job for fun, I could have walked away from it quite easily.Then I got a DUI, 17 months ago, and lost my job driving a bus 14 months ago.I have very few other job skills besides driving, (not that I really enjoyed it all that much, but I was not motivated to find anything better).Even if I could find one (somewhat doubtful in this climate with my lack of college education and skills besides driving) I don't think a 9-5 job would suit me right now because my first instinct at the end of a workday like that is, I deserve a beer.At least right now, when I get off work the bars are all closed.So I kind of feel stuck where I'm at for now.
Obviously there were issues with me working there previously.I feel that I've improved, but tonight a bartender whose opinion I respect says I have zero people skills. ("Maybe negative 1.")This happened after a conversation we both had with the owner of the restaurant.
In my opinion, if I score a -1 on people skills, this owner scores a -100 and furthermore has no business skills either.He micromanages, distrusts, blames his employees for slow business, doesn't advertise, juggles personnel around like pawns (actually, pawns get much more respect from chess players), and you know what, I could just about write an entire book on the subject and call it "How not to run a business".Part of the problem is cultural, I'm sure.
Now your average karaoke host who does not have their own business -- I sort of do, but in reality right now in this situation I'm working for someone else whose job it is to maintain the karaoke equipment, books, and cd's -- doesn't do the things I do.I bought my own cordless microphone, buy new music since the equipment owner does not, update songbooks, fix the shabby ones he provides, make flyers, sometimes advertise on cheap internet sites, and keep customers' old song request slips in a file so they don't have to look them up each time (which also saves a lot of money since he doesn't have to make as many song request slips up).I know, I'm a real martyr.Moving on.
I get paid $60 for Tuesday nights, and $75 each for Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights.Up to now, every time I had this many nights a week, he would cut at least one of my nights and give it to someone else.So this time I wrote him a letter in anticipation of the same thing happening, and said basically, give me a chance here to build up your business.Before this, I had told him that since I no longer had a car, I could only host on the two nights that a bartender who lived near me was working. Here's a copy of the letter, which I gave him 12 days ago:
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A----,
I believe that I can help you get more business, and bring in more regular customers.Something I have noticed over the past couple of years is that whenever we lose a host and I am given more than three nights a week, you quickly make a change - usually finding another host for one of those nights, or in the most recent case, a DJ.I believe that if you were to give me a chance, with at least four nights a week -- Wednesday through Saturday -- for an extended period of time, I would be in a position to make things happen.
You may be wondering why I can't do this with fewer nights.
First, this would split my attention between two different businesses.I cannot live on the income from three nights a week for much longer (especially when one of those nights pays less), and at some point I will be forced to do what I've been talking about and planning -- finding another night somewhere else.Once that actually happens, I will have to spend twice the energy maintaining two different sets of karaoke slips for two different sets of customers; two different sets of karaoke songbooks; moving equipment and cd's from one place to another; helping to promote two different businesses on facebook; etc.Since I have only a limited amount of time and energy, your business would be getting less of my attention and energy.Also it's possible that the new business may decide they want me for more nights; if they're closer to my home, I'll probably say yes, and that will mean I'm not there for you.I've had several customers ask me to tell them if I start hosting somewhere else, because they'll start going there.This would obviously not be good for your business.
Second, when I do not have a steady and sufficient source of income, I cannot buy new karaoke songs.Every night, customers ask me for songs we don't have.I always write their requests down and promise to buy new cdg's when I can afford it -- but I have not been able to afford it in four months, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Also I have to spend time and energy doing things like making a resume and planning a possible move to a different place of business, instead of spending time updating song lists in the books and ordering new songs.Again, I have only so much time and energy.I currently cannot afford to even buy new ink for my printer.I'm literally in the red.
Third, I cannot tell my regular customers for certain what nights I'll be hosting.When I make the announcements over the microphone, I sometimes have difficulty even remembering what nights I have because it has changed so much.When they ask me personally, I have to caution them that my nights are subject to change -- because it's been my experience that you might call me up the day I think I'm hosting and tell me you're bringing someone else in.It's my opinion that your customers are more interested in predictability than variety, especially when it comes to karaoke hosting.
If you can give me four nights per week -- Wednesday through Saturday -- I'll go to the expense of buying the high-risk car insurance and ignition interlock for my wife's car and borrow it to host on nights H------ is not working.I'll be able to put all my energy into your business instead of putting some of it into another business or into finding another place to host.If you don't see results within the next two months, you can re-evaluate the situation at that time -- but give me at least that long.I believe you'll be happy with the results.(I'm willing to work Tuesday night as well if you want to give me 5 nights -- but Thursday needs to be one of the nights.)
Basically, if you'll make a commitment to me, I'll make a commitment to you, and I believe we'll both be better off financially as a result.
His immediate reaction was to latch on to the third paragraph and accuse me of threatening him.I said I had not meant to, and apologized for having given that impression. I would have worded it differently or perhaps even taken that entire part out if I'd realized he would take it as a threat, but you know what? I'm sure he would then have just latched onto something else. Anyway, he continues to bring this up and he did so last night.Last night was a very slow night for a Friday.He asked, "Where are the customers?"I said, "I've done the best I can do, the rest is not up to me."He kept pushing me, saying that it had been 3 weeks when in fact it has only been 12 days; I am now regretting ever giving him the letter because I can see now that every time there is a slow night he is going to repeat this performance.He's not going to just be patient and let me work.And in any case, he did not give me what I asked for in the letter - 4 nights in a row.The Thursday host is unreliable, was fired by him before, is disliked by most of the people I have talked to, and in general I feel it was a slap in the face for the owner to replace me with him on that day given his past and the work I've put in (with no notice, I might add.)Not only that, but he tried to pay me less money because he had less business.I'm on a shoestring and I do not want to let him set that precedent on a Friday.This is not a commission job.Besides, he's promised in the past to pay me more on especially busy nights, but never followed through.When I bring that up, he gives some outlandish figure that the bar has NEVER done in business in a single night, saying when we do that amount of business he'll pay me extra.
Then he has the nerve to say that he feels like HE is being used, when I say no, I want the full amount that I'm supposed to be paid.
Bottom line, I can't deal with this situation much longer.I know it would probably be good practice in working on my character defects and learning to deal with difficult people, accepting what I can't change, etc. etc. etc.But I just do not feel up to the challenge.I'm ready to explode.I'm ready to say Fuck It.I think I should just find another place to host, until I can decide what I really want to do career-wise.But now I've kind of penned myself in here because I asked him to give me a chance to build up his business.In reality, since he won't do simple things like advertise and put a couple extra air conditioners in (his central air conditioning went out years ago and it's pretty damn hot in the bar during the summer, plus we have to keep the doors shut or the neighbors complain) and keeps shuffling personnel around, not to mention two formerly loyal and well-paying customers and all their friends that he alienated because they were gay -- seriously I cannot work miracles and never should have promised anything.
Well, I guess that's about it for now.I know this was just FULL of character defects with textbook answers, but just try to keep your answers as simple as possible with practical advice on what you think would be most likely to help keep me sober in this situation, and maybe the veil will be lifted from my eyes.
*heavy sober alcoholic sigh*
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Saturday 17th of July 2010 07:45:38 AM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 20th of July 2010 06:09:51 AM
Glen, I think that this is a good opportunity to work through this. And I think that your Owner/Employer and job situation, for the most part, falls under the category "Things that I cannot change". You can negotiate nicely but essentially you're powerless over that person and what he wants to do with His business. He has the right to be wrong and ultimately he is responsible for his actions. Not defending just saying.
To be honest, what I see is you trying to control and somewhat manipulate your position. The letter was, imo, entirely too wordy. Again, imo, asking for his help in giving you more hours, in exchange for hard work and increased income for him (presenting a win/win in as few amount of words as possible), would have been as good or better. Letters are intimadating to most people, that's why meetings on neutral ground are more productive. As a business owner, the last thing a BO wants to feel is like an employee has them "over a barrel". Typically we're willing to start over with someone new then to have to deal with drama. I urge you to find gratitude in your situation and move away from the "if I don't get my way, I'm going to drink" position. Fly on, secret squirrel!
Hey Squirrel! I know this is exaserating but when working with others sometimes our "expectations' of what we seem to think is best isn't what they seem.We can choose our reaction,,acceptance or resentments ,anger pissed offed ness!! :) etc..I remember a club we were going to book our band at but the owner told us that cause were new that he would charge a cover at the door etc and pay us.He said he really liked the band and we would draw well.So we said okay we'll draw up a contract and we can both sign for what we agreed etc.HE WENT NUTS!! I dont sign contracts,I told you i'LL PAY YOU FROM DOOR IF FACT NOW i DONT WANT YOUR BAND ,LEAVE THE PLACE..YIKES WE WERE beside ourself to say the least..Anyway about a month later that club shut down,the owner and his "people skills" basically didnt allow him to be in that type business.In the long run we got a break cause we would have been caught up in all that drama.Never saw the guy again! My point is things sometimes happen for a reason that we dont understand,our expectations differ from others and people see things differently.This is going to occur all throught life so I can only suggest,taking a look inside :see if there is something else going on,don't entertain any thoughts of 'I'LL TEACH THE WORLD'i'LL GET WASTED THAT WILL SHOW EM!! We worked hard to leave that place,one day at a time...Bring your skills elsewhere,make peace with yourself(any resentments,etc) and move forward....The saying comes to mind for me life is a b---h, and then you die a lot ,so I try and remember even with all the nonsense another day sober is better than any with my head under the car tire!!! peace....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
It's fun to know you're a karaoke DJ! I loved when drinking but haven't had the guts to get up and sing sober. :) anyway, aside from the current letter/disagreement, it seems like this is a problematic relationship and environment for you in general. I know it would be easier to just get your boss to understand your position, but it seems like that is not going to happen. Maybe there are other karaoke bars that would be a better fit? I don't want to be negative, but it sort of seems like you are fighting an uphill battle from what you described.
Got a couple of thoughts here. One is that I agree that you can't force the guy to treat you the way you believe you deserve to be treated. Even when it goes against business sense for him to do otherwise. You offered some reasonable suggestions, but it's up to him whether to take them. It might be time for you to do a little thinking "outside the box" in terms of what you can do with the karaoke hosting, which you seem to have stumbled upon and love. I have no idea what those might be, but the sooner you accept that this particular situation isn't going to give you what you're after, the sooner you can get to work on them. Maybe it means taking some other job for awhile and setting up your own business on the side. While it would have been great if this particular gig had worked into something you could stick with, maybe its only real purpose for YOU was to show you that this is something you love and are good at. Maybe this job's "job" is done.
My other thought is about the comment about your "people skills." After many years of thinking I was the most considerate person in the world to work for, I managed to piss off nearly everyone in my unit at once. When I sat down with my boss, and with a few of the pissed-off support staff, I learned that I do not always come across the way I think I do. It turns out that particularly when I am under stress (deadlines, other things in my life), I have a tendency to be oblivious to the stresses other people are under. I get a certain demanding tone in my voice I wasn't aware was there. It was a huge blow to my ego (this was before I got sober--it would still sting today, though), and I felt extremely defensive. Still, I figured if they all felt this way, there was probably something to it. I now try to take a look at what someone is doing if I need to ask them for something. If my request is urgent, I ask if they are already working on something urgent. If they are, I explain my problem and if necessary, I let my boss make the call on what takes priority. I thank them for their efforts when they help me get something urgent accomplished.
I guess my point is that we don't always see what we are doing wrong, and it pays to at least look at the possibility that the criticisms are on the money.
I have a lot of frustrations on my job right now, and I believe a lot of them go back to the way I performed my job when I was drinking. Some of the things I don't like I will just have to wait out because I truly cannot change them. I'm close to retirement and changing jobs is not an option. I try to be thankful that I have a job in this economy, that I have a pension waiting for me that was not lost due to drinking, and try to do the best job I can with a minimum of self-pity and complaining.
Glen, have you ever considered driving tow truck? Tons of money in that, and you really have to be more "assertive" than anything else. What are your driving points looking like? And when do they fall off? My ex's company hires and insures drivers with 4 points or less.... just a thought, I know you were looking for advice in the thinking/behavior department, I get that, but I am not the authority on that stuff, certainly not at this juncture. But jobs? I do know a lot about jobs and job placement.... perhaps you could dispatch for towing?
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
You never know where recovery will lead you FS...you have a year sober now which would qualify you to work in the field of recovery at some places...that is something else to think about.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey FS, Another thing to consider is trying another line. My thinking is that you are working 4 nights a week for $75 a night? How many hours a night? What does that work out to on an hourly rate? My question comes down to working a "sober job". I consider a "sober job" as a job that is bringing in the same amount of money (or more) with a lot less stress. It sounds like your job comes with stresses like being around alcohol, a boss that sounds whacked, and the temptations of drunk people. Why not a night janitor? Like Pink Chip says, a night phone councellor? Look at the local employment office. Stacking books at night in the library? In other words a job that lets you focus on sobriety and its wonders? Just a thought. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I also notice that when you are carrying the message and not focusing on yourself...you have a pretty powerful program. That is also why I encouraged looking for a job int he helping profession. Psych tech...or house manager...I think you would be good at that. Just my opinion though.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
