Today I am on my way. With my sobriety has come a desire to understand --- understand life, understand me, understand my relationships and understand God. Meaning --- what is true? What is noble? What is spiritual? These are important to me today.
I no longer wish to hurt, damage, ridicule, destroy, fight, lie or cheat in my life. I've had enough of being negative. I've had enough of being lost and isolated in my arrogance. I've had enough of standing on the outside of life, feeling resentful and afraid.
Sobriety, for me today, involves my search for meaning --- knowing full well that my understanding will always be imperfect and I can never comprehend fully. The ultimate answer is in living with confusion. I am not God . . . but I still intend to reach for the stars.
Lord, my cry for self-awareness is answered in the journey and not the destination.
Going through adjustments in life right now, and doing a bit of inventory.
Acceptance: If 2 people cant accept each other, completely and unconditionally with love in a relationship--its not going to work. That simple. If they cant get over the bumps in the road, and work through conflicts together--its not gonna work. We react in anger, and with all sorts of negative emotions, but when it comes right down to it, there is noone to blame, even tho we try to, to justify our actions and reactions.We react out of hurt and pain.
A freind of mine said to me not that long ago. You cannot chase love, where unconditional love isnt there. That really hit home.
Everything in life is a learning experience. We learn through pain, and we grow from pain. No pain --no gain. And one day at a time the pain subsides, and we heal.
We go on to new experiences, and try to apply what weve learned from yesterday.
Over the next couple of weeks, I know Im getting divorce papers in the mail. I will sign them, and another chapter of life will be in yesterday.
Another failure? No. Another learning and growing experience.
Its quite easy to bring those yesterdays into today, and beat ourselves up over them.
But then again-some one on here helped me realize that I am responsible for my side of the street only. I take full responsibility for that. I cannot be responsible for someone elses side. We live--we grow-we learn-we become better persons.
I still beleive--and this program taught me this also--that
Life is about unconditional love--not only to others-but also towards ourselves.
It is forgiveness--not only to others--but to ourselves
It is giving with our heart to others, what we can--sharing our experience, strength, and hope-that we receive back, tenfold.
I dont have all the answers. I never will. But its like has been mentioned here, time and time again.
Its not the destination. Its the journey.
-- Edited by Phil at 11:02, 2005-08-03
-- Edited by Phil at 11:05, 2005-08-03
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
You know Phil, I've been to some good parties in my life...all sorts of celebrations.
I think the best parties I have ever been to have been divorce parties...I've attended 3 of them (one was mine).
There is something about a person who really embraces their individualism, cherishes it and honours it... Stands up and stands tall in the midst of their freedom and lack of attachment and decides they are just plain glad to be who they are and where they are at.
After my party, things really changed for me. I no longer played along with the old game that my husband and I had dragged along for way to long...those phone calls that just left me shaking my head...the pretend responsibilities we both insisted we both had to share... the loyalty that comes with a pledge you each interpret differently...Instead, I suddenly found it a lot easier to just be polite and get on with my own things. Somewhere in the celebration, I let go and my friends reminded me it was ok to just be me and I started having fun again. It truly was a re-introduction to me.
Start letting your friends know there is a party brewing, Phil.
Great posts, Our illness makes us all so much alike. Its scary. The good thing is we can all relate to each other, this is such a mind boggling disease, so the support is fantastic. Just imagine if there were no AA.
I was once told my experiences in life ,Bulids Character.My illness has turned me into a Character, I know longer wish to be.
Before deciding Enough was Enough, and i reached out for help, My negative attitude was out of control.
Negativity breeds Negativity (plain and simple).
Thank you all for sharing
Nancy Jo
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Life is full of ups and downs
But the faces of love will
ease the pain and suffering
from:My Mother
i'm sorry to hear about divorce Phil, but i'm so glad you are taking it in stride with your spirit and not your ego. Standing tall.
ya know, there are some things going on in my life that i may be in denial about and your post reminds me that unconditional love is total acceptance. I thiink i must stand tall with you Phil. loving ME unconditionally is unchartered territory.
keep your posts coming please, i learn so much from you and really need it right now.
