Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly wit hout provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
I have trouble with the statement above. I'm working with a sponsee currently and want to gain a greater perspective on this so I can be more helpful. Also, to get a refresher. I have my experience from step 4, but wanted to learn a little more about this. Does someone have a specific example of how you used this statement when doing step 4? "Disregarding the faults of the who or what, where was I to blame."
Hi, The word FEAR is bracketed at the end of quite a few on page 65 of the BB. Fear may be the root of selfishness and self centeredness. " I was resentful of Joe stealing from the Boss" ( I was jealous of him getting something for nothing. I was AFRAID of not getting something I wanted. I was AFRAID of losing something I already had.) Seems like I was covering up my own stuff with a resentment against Joe ?? Toad
hEY miKE! pART of our destrctive behavior is based on our own self will ,so our troubles are basically of our own making...they arise out of ourselves and alcoholics are extreme examples of self will run riot, though we usually don;t think so....the 12/12 remind us "each of us has had his own near fatal encounter with the juggernaut(terrible ,irressistable force) of self will and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better... what is better.?..first we quit playing God,we no longer insist on having our own way,trying to control others or believeing we know whats best for others,the world and everyone else..We develop humility,and we have to be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success.By our fears,self delusion and self pity we do step on others toes...Even when we thought we knew best we were often proven wrong. Although I could guide my sponsee when they were working their 4th, It tells us we dont always know whats best for others,do not let our self will controlling mindset of believing we know whats best,be humble ,allow your HP to guide you and ensure others know they also need to rely on their HP,"inside feelings etc when they are searching.and fearless.....See if starting on page 60(3rd edition of BB) clarifies it any more for you.....?? I believe it gives a little more insight to the faults and the blame scenario....peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
For me this is one of the strongest statements in the book.
I talk more about selfishness in the 3d step, turning will over to God and doing his will, not our selfish will.
Everyone I sponsor has a homegroup and is getting to the meeting early setting up etc, getting active shaking hands, calling/emailing and asking about others well being.
One thing I know about AA is the people who just show up and "take", and don't try to give back in some way can't be working on unselfishness, "the root of our troubles".
I have never really really used this statement when working with someone on the 4th step, I just try to keep them focused on doing good lists based on the BB explaination.
I review some items on my 4th step list relating resentment, fears and sexual conduct and what it effected.
If they do a searching thorough list and look at it afterwards, the selfish behavior become evident to all.
Just MHO, I hope this can help.
Good Luck, Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly wit hout provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
I have trouble with the statement above. I'm working with a sponsee currently and want to gain a greater perspective on this so I can be more helpful. Also, to get a refresher. I have my experience from step 4, but wanted to learn a little more about this. Does someone have a specific example of how you used this statement when doing step 4? "Disregarding the faults of the who or what, where was I to blame."
Thanks.
There are clearly situations in life (usually when we were very young) where a person can be a completely blameless victim.
However, we grow up. We can choose to relive those events of the past, over and over, and continue to be a victim of the past - or we can choose to learn a different way to deal with them, and finally start growing up emotionally as well as physically.
So, if what you're dealing with is a situation where you really were a victim, and you really cannot discover any decision you made based on self which later put you in a position to be hurt - think about decisions you made LATER, based on the old situation, based on (possibly unreasonable) fear, which put you in a position to be hurt AFTER the fact.
For example, based on my own life:
When I was young, I was abused by my father. As I got older, I carried a resentment about this. I had made a promise to myself that I would never hit a child with a belt - and I kept this promise. HOWEVER, that was the ONLY thing I did differently than my dad. All the rest of the tools he used - belittlement, rage, other forms of physical violence, etc. etc. etc. were freely used by me. I would justify them by saying that at least I was better than my father. Well, not much. This then placed me in a position to be hurt because since I despised my father, and I was doing the same things as him, I therefore despised myself. There's not much worse hurt than hating yourself. And watching your loved ones walk on eggshells around you isn't much fun either, once you become a bit more self-aware. Then you get to watch them leave because they don't want to be around you any more. What a shocker.
I guess the point is, victims rarely recover. Anyone can find exceptions to the statement you are having trouble with - and then dwell on those exceptions, thinking that they disprove the entire statement, rather than accepting the truth that in most cases the statement is actually true.
Final point - we have to get over the obsession that somehow, some way, we will be able to change the past. The past is over and done with. It's one of the many things we are talking about every day when we say the Serenity Prayer - accepting things we cannot change. Acceptance doesn't mean approval - but it does mean that we need to move on.
Thank you everyone. Great dialogue. I appreciate it. I think once again I was thinking too much about this (self will) instead letting God and the principles of the program guide me.
Mike F- good point, I think you hit the nail on the head. _______ we quit playing God,we no longer insist on having our own way,trying to control others or believeing we know whats best for others,the world and everyone else.. We develop humility,and we have to be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success.
I think it is about how other people's defects and Justifiable anger is no reason to let our own defect run riot. For example...my mom can be super controlling, critical, and annoying. That does not mean that it is right for me to continuously respond in kind like a whiny, petulant, child to her just cuz I want my way.
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