"When will you be done with recovery? How long are you going to have to keep being selfish and putting your sobriety first? These days it's all about you."
No. I'm not kidding.
I know I have issues; hell - I have subscriptions to some of them. However, I'm amazed at the man I'm becoming, but I guess I'm not "half-way through" yet.
Is it common for those closest to us to be the blindest to our progress? Are they so used to us being $hitheels that they're going to see us as $hitheels no matter what? Are they also in a recovery of sorts and have cycles they have to go through?
It sounds like you may still be cutting your teeth, AM. It took a good couple of years or three for me to get better out of subtle self & into more selfless & subtle outgoing love so that I couldn't be accused of this so much any more! I can't expect others to see me as the selfless angel I thought I was lol Keep up in the program. Practice is making progress for me & I am improving.
If someone is giving me feedback I don't want to hear I still have to listen to the message for any merit & if it's good for me to learn from & use then I will. It's only my Higher Power coming through in whatever way it can. I'm sure your love & tolerance will be blooming again soon. That's what this program helps me with too regardless of however anyone else is being. Enjoy your recovery ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Yep, this is a fairly typical experience with close family members for many of us. The chapter entitled "The Family Afterward" in the Big Book speaks extensively on this. It was very helpful for me to read in early recovery, as it helped me to see more clearly what those close to me were feeling. In time, as we progress in our development, these things usually sort themselves out. But, it does take time; one day at a time.
I don't know whether your wife is "in recovery," but it sure sounds like she's a little bit sick. And I don't mean that as a judgment of her, it's just that I know I was plenty warped after a few years of living with alcoholic behavior. It isn't necessarily that you were a $hitheel (hey, I hardly know you, maybe you were), but I'd be willing to bet the farm that there was a lot of lunacy around the house. Ever see the movie "Gaslight"? That's pretty much what living with an alcoholic can do to you.
You might want to suggest she check out Al-Anon, and then she can have her own recovery to put first, while you put yours first. Not that you won't still clash from time to time, but it might help make things a little saner around the house. I remember you mentioning when you vented the other day that everyone went into "eggshell" mode. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. We loved ones of alcoholics learn to tippytoe around because we have the delusion that if we don't, the alcoholic might drink. It's that delusion that we can control someone else's drinking, or their reactions.
I'm sure she's happy you're sober, but you are both going through lots of changes--and you have support for yours but she doesn't.
Meantime, try to cut her some slack as thou wouldst have slack cut unto thee.
A Great way to deal with stuff like that is make some columns, start off with
I'm resentful at
My Wife
For:
asking me:"When will you be done with recovery? How long are you going to have to keep being selfish and putting your sobriety first? These days it's all about you."
Affects my:
What is my part: (What part of self caused this problem, or: What decision did I make based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt?)
I have never been able to remain angry at anyone after doing this thoroughly, especially after seeing I am the one that caused the whole problem in the first place
frequently alcoholics look like this
I, I, I me, me, me, drink, drink, drink
then we hit a few meetings
and it looks like this:
I, I, I me, me, me, meetings, meetings, meetings
As alcoholics drinking is but a symptom
Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly wit hout provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishnes s. We must, or it kill us!
Strangely enough the answers lie in steps 4-9, then 10-12, and as BGG says, it's all laid out in The Family Afterwards and To The Wives...it's like....umm....textbook
-- Edited by AGO on Monday 12th of July 2010 09:52:06 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Rob, During my first year I was changing so radically...I didn't realize how intensely focused I was on myself. It had to be that way though. I was in an infancy and recovery DID have to come first. I was learning a whole new way of life and functioning and was a total infant at handling anger, frustration...all sorts of things.
My guess is that your wife used to make comments like this before but they didn't bother you that much cuz you drowned out the criticisms with drinking. Now it's a bit different and you have to work on your communication, you patience, tolerance, and so does she. In essence, you have to get to know each other all over again.
I can only pray she has the patience to let you recover and be the man you are meant to be without sabotaging it... For you, I can only pray that you do keep your sobriety first because no relationship will work at all without it....no matter what your wife says.
You really can't control what stuff comes out of her mouth anyhow so why worry so much about it? She just had a baby and her hormones are wacked out...no, this is not good timing in terms of your recovery...all this stress and change...but it is LIFE. I suggest living it on it's terms. In any case...just don't drink. We are here for ya.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If you got a sponsor and that sponsor is married and they are willing to support both you and your wife...Tell your wife that the best answers come from those who have come before you and that you'd like to invite them over for a talk if she doesn't mind because you don't have the answer for her. I've seen this type of 12th step work wonders. Just a shared experience. ((((hugs))))
How you doing with the other resentments...the electrical stuff and such or sucks or however? Try the AGO inventory suggestion or if you're on in the steps look at the 10th ... if not go back to three and and add your spouse into it.
"Made a decision to turn my wife, my life and my will over to the care of God as we understand God. Thats a little of how the "other" program does it and it also works.
I had a similar experience from my wife last year. She said I was going to too many AA meetings. I developed a bit of resentment and wanted to say but that is why I am sober and how can I be going to too many meetings?.
I called my sponsor instead of getting into an argument wiyh my wife. I was certain he would agree with me. Much to my surprise he said my wife may be right. He reminded me of balance and that the balance point continually changes. He said there are times when I need to put 100% into AA and there are other times when I may need to put 100% into my family. Most of the time the balance point is found somewhere between those two extremes.
My sponsor was of course correct and I had forgotton about balance. Thank God for my sponsor.
Larry, ----------------- Alter your attitude and you can alter your life.
Within my first year of sobriety my wife and I had some arguments regarding my AA selfishness. They usually ended with me stating, "Well, I'm not going to drink over this, or I'm not going to kill myself by drinking because of this"......we don't have these kinds of arguments any longer. We are still married...20 years on Wednesday.....wow!! We still have some arguments.......but, not any regarding my AA selfishness. I'm happy being more present in my life and she is happy I'm a better husband, father and friend. Sorry, you had to hear that from your wife.......work through it, share with you AA group, share it here...and keep your MIP going!!
From what I understand, that's common early on. My situation was similar, but with a little education my wife was finally able to see that recovery is a way of life. Today I'm told by my wife and kids that they know I need my meetings and have my work, but they like having me around and miss me when I'm gone. I never thought I would hear that from them...ever.
Congrats on 20 years Pablomoses...that say's something about your wife LOL... With God's help my wife and I will celebrate 16 years on the 23 of this month...and that says LOADS about my wife!!!
Great post here! I went through similiar things with my wife. I gave as much effort into my recovery as I did drinking and my wife resented me for it, eventhough, she said she didn't. The program changed me and the dynamics of our relationship and family. I guess that's why they suggest no relationships for the first year of sobriety. I understand that today. My wife and I said together through the first year of sobriety and it wasn't easy. I was unavailable mentally and physically most of the time. Just the plan god had for me. But it worked.
I remember one thing my sponsor told me: my wife thought she would be fine once I got sober? The thing is she was highly effected by the diesase of alcoholism and had issues she needed to deal with. I wasn't going to change or fix here. Me getting sober was going to fix one of her problems but there was other symptoms present. Just like our alcoholism. Drinking is but a symptom.
I like what others have said here, but Larry's sponsor and mine provide very similiar messages: balance is the key. We have a responsbility to our recovery, but we also have a responsbility to our family; if we have one. My sponsor reminds me- too many meetings when not needed and I'm selfish, to few and I'm not recovering and moving closer to a drink. Just the right amount and everyone is happy. Each individual needs to decide what that right amount is.
Rob - thanks for this, it reminds me to be grateful that I live alone and have no calls on my time to interfere with the business of recovery. Next time I'm bemoaning that me and my missus don't live together, I'll remember that there are things to be grateful for even in the negatives.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My wife is actively involved in Alanon. Might sound strange to you, sometimes when I do not want to go to a meeting it's she who will insist that we go. They have a book in Alanon called "When I got busy I got better". We take our programs very seriously. We also have many couples on recovery, with whom we have a healthy social life with. It helps. Because when any of us gets sick the others are there to help and sponsor.
The funny thing is, that while one spouse might want to say, "So CHANGE already!" (which is what Archie Bunker told Edith when he got exasperated while she was going through "the change"), another one will try to micromanage, making sure you are going to "enough" meetings, wanting to know whether you've called your sponsor today, etc. One is sort of blind to the amount of the work involved in recovery, and the other one is overly controlling.
I found that when I concentrated on myself, and MY issues, and took mostly a hands-off attitude as far as the other person's recovery went (I wasn't perfect--though I did learn later that a couple of times when I yelled, "Call your sponsor!" it was actually what he needed to hear), things were, in general, a lot more peaceful. For both of us.
Step Nine directly addresses this very issue as well
there is plenty we should do at home. Sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
