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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> A special "THANK YOU"
Post Info TOPIC: A special "THANK YOU"
John


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A special "THANK YOU"
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From me to many of you, (those who wrote and those who simply read, and most important those who prayed)

To each and every person who responded to my post about the young man who died last week and was buried this weekend, my heart embraced every word you shared with me. 

Intellecutally, I already knew what each of you said to be the truth, but I obviously needed to hear it many times, before my heart would become ready to truly accept it as reality.  So many of your words brought a new tear to my eyes, but not one of utter sorrow and regret, but instead of tremendous gratitude. 

You are all so right, I'm not God, I don't get to call the shots, or forsee the future, I am not the person in this recovery relationship, that missed the mark.  I planted the seeds of recovery, and the storms of life washed them out.  Alcoholic insanity took center stage, and washed out all my greatest efforts to help him find his way back.

I had to be reminded that when I accept I'm powerless over my own alcoholism, thats an inclusive admission.  I'm also powerless over the alcoholism of others.  When it comes to the disease of alcoholism, I'm powerless no matter what angle it comes at me at. 

The common thread of what each of you said, took me to a place of peace within myself.  Because of your heartfelt shares, which I truly felt as I read your words, let me know that it was okay to share openly and honestly about what and how I was feeling and thinking.  Not one person said, you should have...", "you could have..." or "if only you had..."

Instead I heard exactly what I needed to hear... "you are not God", "remember the 3 C's", "Do you really believe you are that powerful?" and the one that kinda made me crinch..."Your EGO is feeding you this line of BS"...(Paraphased).  All so true. 

I am merely a simple seed planter.  I don't even get to really examine the soil I'm planting the seed in, because what I might determine is not good soil, could very well grow a good harvest, and what I think is great soil might not spring forth even a hope.

My job is simply to plant seeds where and when I can, and then let the results rest in Gods hands.  My real struggle wasn't what I did or didn't do, but what God did or didn't do.  Like, "hey bud, I'm pissed off because you let one of my plants die!".  I have to remember they were not mine, they never were.  They were always His, even when they were only a seed.  
Instead I felt and responsed like a small child throwing a fit and throwing his bottle on the floor from a high chair.  Any one know where Pampers are on sell this week?  LOL

Many eluded to the idea, which really feed my ego that I have saved many lives, that this site, and the MIP recovery homes save so many lives.  While many find their footing here or there, and start to trudge the road of happy destiny, its not me that saves anyone's life.  That's God's job, I don't want it, I would literally suck at it.  I tried to play that role and without a doubt, its better suited to God, not me. 

The only role I get to play on this stage of life, is to help, as one among many, to plant the seeds that God provides, in whatever soil God provides.  In my attempt to be a good steward of this simple little job, I get the benefit of staying sober and relatively sane, one day at a time.

Someone had to remind me that this man's death might be God's way of letting so many of us fully understand that we only get a daily reprive contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.  We do not get a weekly or monthly renewable contract, based on what we did or didn't do yesterday or yesteryear. But only based in what we do or don't do today to improve our conscious contact with Him and seek knowledge of His Will and ask only for the power to carry it out. 

"We can't keep it unless we give it away"... The God of my understanding which has no real religious element, but is surely of my own understanding blessed me with this person, and because I was loaned such a gift, I had another source to pass on what had been given to me, and thus his life, his living presence allowed me to live, sober, sane and happy all at one time.  But it was a loan... not mine to keep.

Now he is back with that from which he came... His rightful owner, God.  And I am letting go today instead of trying to rationalize and justify why I should have been able to keep him. 

Darn, I might be growing up some.... this is scary and exciting at the same time!  Like a kid popping his first wheelie on a bicycle... after a crash and burn, bruised knees and skin torn on my hands, with faith I aim towards the good spot in the road to pop one more and see how long I can keep the front wheel off the ground!  What I learned early on is trying to defy gravity when the wheel wants to go back down doesn't work, I need to let it... with ease and grace.  Instead of pout and give up trying ever again.

John

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Sobrietyspell


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That's it, John. Good to see you back. Thank you for being here. Godblessings every which way they come, Danielle x

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Lexie


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So glad you are feeling some peace again.


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Lexie
    ~ one breath at a time
StPeteDean


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That's the spirit John. God puts people in our life "when the student is ready the teacher will appear", but he
gives us free will to choose our paths that ultimately lead us closer toward recovery or away from it. Thankfully for most of us, we can make a few mistakes and start over, but there are no guarantees. When we Decide to abandon the suggestions and take our will back we spin that roulette wheel and the slot with death on it can come up for any one of us at any time.

The turning point in my recovery, after floundering for just over 2 years in the program (in and out) was experiencing several "yets" and then watching my best drinking and using friend die from an overdose. His name was Ronnie and he was 28. He always said that he wouldn't make it to 30. A self fulfilling prophesy I guess. Ronnie was very popular and had lots of friends. The kind of guy that several dozen people would show up at his house on every friday night to hang out. When he died, I had survivors guilt. I had maybe two friends and wondered why God didn't take me instead of Ronnie. No one but my mother and a couple people would've missed me, but Ronnie had 150 people show up at his funeral.

I decided that I was not going to let Ronnie's death count for nothing and dedicated my sobriety to him as I believe God, perhaps let Ronnie die as a example to the many that drank and drugged with him that this disease kills. It's been 21 years since Ronnie passed and I still miss him and can see/hear him regularly when I think about him.

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mikef


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Yes we pick ourselves up,dust ourselves off and move forward...Pain shared can be pain lessened.....peace John.........

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Pablomoses


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Peace, love, prayers to you John!!

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TwelveSteps


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Thank you so much for your post. Hang in there.

GG

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Tina


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Hi John


Your more welcome, that's what we're here for to help each other out in a time of need.  And with time it will get easier,  glad I could be a part of that.


(((JOHN)))

Tina

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tina
louisa


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((((John))))

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Sober today thanks to the Miracle of AA
Just Toni


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Dear John,

How much it was appreciated that you checked back with us to let us know you're okey.

We are all just simply proud of you, and all that you do,
and yes, we do get to have our Heros....

(((((((((John)))))))

God Bless you and all of us...

Toni



-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 13th of July 2010 04:33:44 PM

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Dave Harm


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John,

I can use my fingers to count out friends and people who I thought "got it" and ended up losing it all. For me, it has always left me feeling helpless and how little power I truly have...

Thank you for being her and for all those who you help...

Dave

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Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...
FlyingSquirrel


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Thanks for this post, it has reinforced a lot of things for me.  And I'm sorry for your loss and the loss for his family.

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jonijoni1


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Right on, John! I grow more from what I see people here and in AA going through, and GETTING through sober, than from anything else... I often can't see my own "story unfold" for the trees... but through your collective ES&H, and watching it happen before my very eyes, my own seeds are watered and I grow.

Thanks for bringing this to us here, and to God, and for playing it out all the way through, because what you went through on the inside has helped me a great deal. I am so glad you are thinking and feeling better about all this, have taken yourself out of the equation, and can take this for what it is: an experience with Life and Death; a Lesson in Recovery.

Thanks also for showing us how to reach out for help, once again...

(((hugs)))

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