Hope this post finds everyone in a great place tonight. I'm not so sure I am. Having some mixed emotions. Guess it's time. I've been riding the waves of "easy" for 31 days now. I picked up my "silver" chip at the 8:30p OS meeting. I was really proud of myself. Then, I find out my temp sponsor was not "qualified" to be a sponsor, she was overheard by an oldtimer and was "called on it" so she basically just lied to me, and I'm glad I found out now, cuz it was said she likes spreading the dirt on folks - sad for her - and I feel betrayed once again, like I havent learned one damn thing this past month. So, I'm feeling a bit frustrated and confused. I was just getting to the point where I'm "feeling" Step 4 coming on (make sense?). (Step 1 was hard - duh! , Step 2 was something I've ALWAYS believed and Step 3 was somewhat easy because I believe in Step 2, always have). The 5 days at the beach gave me a lot of time to think and reflect on the past 25 yrs. I got up at sunrise everyday, walked the beach, prayed and meditated, then went to the pool with my BB till the kid got up (usually noon or later - ) and found so much of ME in those pages it was scary. Things I knew I'd done, or felt, or not done, but never actually realized them till they were pointed out thru the pages of BB. I can find one emotion or thought or action in almost every single story. I have to take that step soon or it's going to eat me up inside. I've done such terrible things to the people I love the most. My son has been pretty much neglected all of his life, I schemed and lied to try to get a man I thought I loved to love me back, I've used people to change geographical locations more times than I can count and then just left them, and so on and so on. I know I'm not unique in my story, but the need to get it out is coming quick. And I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong person to do it with because of this and the Temp. incident. I have yet had the desire to drink, but am afraid too, that may be coming..... I asked you all once before was I being too cocky in all this "easiness" I've experieced, you're answers were basically "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly"........ I feel like I'm back at the beginning again!
Please pray for me, that my HP will show me the way and give me the answer, soon. I'm listening - I think. I'm trying to follow thru with just for today to the best of my ability but it's getting hard. And I'm nervous the desire to drink will come. Easy does it, I know, but knowing and being able to do is 2 different things right at this moment in time.........
Phil, thanks for sharing your wisdom with me........ Wish I was more like you, laid back and easy going. I'm more the uptight, un easy and seem to get my panties in a wad quick type
You always know what to say to calm my fears for a while............
If I don't fear that first drink..then that's when i KNOW I'm in trouble. The difference is it's a healthy fear. Remember when i told you "when you least expect it"...thats why we gotta live one at a time, whether its the day or the moment...the moments add up to the day(s). I hope that makes sense.
Get your butt to lots of meetings, and then some more meetings. Don't doubt that your HP has a plan for you, the thing is that plan is in God's time not ours. Have faith. Then pray for MORE faith. :)
I was told NOT to pray for patience, i will only get things that will TEST my patience. Pray for tolerance.
A gratitude list is a great way to see how far you've come. I know those feelings of guilt and shame, not being there for my girls, all the crappy, i mean really crappy...things i did to people.
What matters most is our actions TODAY.
We have a disease. We aren't bad people. We are sick people trying to get better.
No one saying you can't start writing down the things that bother you, start with the ones that bother you the most. I bet when you aren't looking and you least expect it a great sponsor God hand picks himself will show up for you.
Easy does it also means-don't be so hard on yourself, don't beat yourself up. It really won't do you any good.We all have a nasty self crictic in us that wants us to lose, wants us to drink, to fail. Beat him down OP, you're worth the fight.
My biggest amend since i started my recovery, healing journey is staying sober. That amend is to my HP, myself, my girls and those I love. Some days aren't FULL of recovery but I do stay clean and sober. That in itself is a miracle. If you didn't drink today, you are a miracle, thank GOD.
one foot in the past, one foot in the future leaves me pi$$in' on today. today is all we got, a daily reprieve.
try to see this experience as a learning one. don't give up!!!
if you feel like you are back at the beginning OP then start at the biginning, no harm done right??
I gotta do steps 1,2,3 everyday, sometimes more than once. Thats ok, if that's what it takes to keep me clean and sober then so be it. Go to any lengths right??
Hey "op", Let time take time. Keep praying fot the right sponsor, she will appear. Wendy's suggestion about writing you stuff out is good.I also keep a timeline going, believe it or not there are things that will come to mind from 40 years ago and I just add it to the timeline.Nothing has happened or is going to happen that you need to drink over.
Ummm...Not "qualified" to be a sponsor? Got called on something by an oldtimer? Have you sat down and talked to her...asked her if what you heard was true? Here's what I tell people that are looking for a sponsor....
Listen to what they say in the meetings...do they talk the talk AND walk the walk?
Find out how long they've been sober, but remember, sometimes quality is better than quantity.
Do they have a working knowledge of the big book and the steps? That doesn't mean that they quote the BB constantly, but it's apparent they know what's in there and can find thier answers there.
Do they live the 36 principles of AA in the outside world? Are they loving and tolerant of everyone, not just the members of AA?
You are doing great, and you're right...it's so important that you start that 4th step. It will eat you up inside if you don't, so sit down and talk to this lady, and find out if she's the victim of rumors or if you need to find someone else. But find someone quickly...and let us know how it's going. WE LOVE YOU!!!
Cheri, Yes, it's true. This woman lied about how long she's been sober, she told me and a few other newcomers it was a couple years, come to find out it's been less than 90 days this time around. She has been complained about before to the point where greivences have been filed and this time she has been asked not to return to this particular group. I don't know the details but it must be bad to "get kicked out of AA". Geeezzee, can they do that?
Anyway, thank you all for the replys and suggestions. I know my God will send them my way when the time is right. But as I stated to Phil I have a tendency to get my "panties in a wad" pretty quick. I'm working on it, one day at the time.
GammyRose, Timeline? How?
Wendy, thanks, awesome suggestions.
I'm better today. It amazes me how just posting here helps. Writing in my journal is great but this is soo much better it seems.
Thanks again, all. I'm off to a meeting, have 2 lined up for tonightl
) and found so much of ME in those pages it was scary. Things I knew I'd done, or felt, or not done, but never actually realized them till they were pointed out thru the pages of BB. I can find one emotion or thought or action in almost every single story. I have to take that step soon or it's going to eat me up inside. I've done such terrible things to the people I love the most. My son has been pretty much neglected all of his life, I schemed and lied to try to get a man I thought I loved to love me back, I've used people to change geographical locations more times than I can count and then just left them, and so on and so on. I know I'm not unique in my story, but the need to get it out is coming quick. And I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong person to do it with because of this and the Temp. incident. I have yet had the desire to drink, but am afraid too, that may be coming..... I asked you all once before was I being too cocky in all this "easiness" I've experieced, you're answers were basically "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly"........ I feel like I'm back at the beginning again! 
