A few weeks ago I descovered I had a drinking problem , well I guess I descovered awhile ago but I came to the realization recently.
Unfortuanly while i was busying drowning myself in my own sorrows, I lost the love of my life, It started off with negliecting her because I was always hung over, it then followed up by not be effectionate because I didn't want her to smell the booze on my breath. After a few years we lost what we had, and out 9 year realtionship is over.
What a shame , I am ashamed, why couldn't I have stood up on my own two feet and taken my life back until now. Sitting here shocked, not at what happened, but why I let it.
Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. "it takes what it takes" to come to realize how destructive drinking is to our relationships, to our lives. AA can help you on the road to wellness, "recovery" and if you work the steps your life can blossom. we all only have today. 'work it' today. if you keep looking back and keep looking ahead to what you want in the future, you can miss outon today and todays blessings and lessons. AA helps us live one day at a time and helps us really live, not just exist. sending you hugs and love. jj
Hi Murray! I am truly sorry for your loss, I can identify as I have been married 3x and divorced 2x heading for the third during my active using days.I read your bio and it seems you are at the stage of "controlled drinking" thought process, will work for you.I can only suggest you have to find out where you fit in the scheme of your illness,.The Big Book gives a great rundown on what "classification' of drinker you may be..It it recommended reading in order for you to even begin approaching our solution<the steps!,worked with a sponsor! It also tells us that you may be suffering an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.Have you tried an AA meeting?Do you have a desire to stop drinking totally and surrendering to the idea that you ar maybe powerless over this substance and your life is unmanageable?Only you can make these decisions and decide "what you are going to do about your problem"! We are not concerned with how much you drink, but only in what "you" want to do about your problem and how "we" can help! I can also only suggest by continually beating yourself up,recovery in any form will be difficult if not impossible.Many of us thought we could drink a little,stop for awhile,change what we drank,but we always ended up powerless and unmanageable.We may not be responsible for our disease but we are responsible for our recovery..This is not a 'MAN UP THING' BELIEVE ME,this illness has taken people down from all brackets of life.I can only suggest giving yourself a break,try a meeting,get some literature and find out about your illness,get around people in support in and out of the rooms...If you are going to do this on your own then we'll leave the light on!Hope to hear back from you ,believe me you don't have to live like this anymore....peace..
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Unfortuanly while i was busying drowning myself in my own sorrows, I lost the love of my life, It started off with negliecting her because I was always hung over, it then followed up by not be effectionate because I didn't want her to smell the booze on my breath. After a few years we lost what we had, and out 9 year realtionship is over.
Murray, I think the key may be above. Social drinkers don't go on for years drinking heavy, continuous hangovers, hiding drinking and neglecting family. But, only you can decide if your an alcoholic. Do you obsess about alcohol when not drinking? When you start can you stop repeately a 1, 2 or 3 beers? Is alcohol causing problems in your life? Sounds like your standing in front of Step 1: admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageabe. Until a complete surrender; sobriety and recovery is limited. Maybe your not an alcoholic? Just giving you some things to think about. But, I also beleive we all didn't arrive at this board to learn how to be more responsible drinkers. Maybe some at the beginning, but those who were honest soon learned the truth.
I've been in your shoes. When I first started to think I may have a drinking problem I did all I could to control it. It's the obession of every alcoholic, to be able to one day control our drinking. I went on for years and slowly the diesase progressed to where I started to either jepordize or loose everything in my life: wife, kids, house, license, job, family and friends. It was just me and alcohol. Sorry ass place to be.
Keep coming back; posting and reading and see if you can relate. We're here to help.
While it's encouraging to hear you "cowboy-up" and take responsibility for your drinking it's not your big brass balls that are going to help treat this disease and it IS a disease that you have given yourself. You have damaged your brain and substituted alcohol for sanity.
Once you f**ked your brain and life up...yes; it then became outside of your control. The disease of alcoholism was in charge.
You want to stop drinking. That's good. Now can you cowboy-up to admitting defeat and losing control?
Aloha Murray and welcome to this MIP board where you will get all manner of Experience, Strength and Hope from others who at one time or another wore the shoes you now have on. Been there, done that is revealed in the voluntary nod of our heads as you tell your story.
Alcohol, Alcoholism and alcoholics leave victims laying all over the surface of this planet as we become enslaved ourselves and enslave others at the same time. Alcoholism is not termed cunning, powerful and baffling without reason.
You are where you are because you have done what you did intentionally or without intention. At times you were aware and inspite of that awareness you drank anyway...Powerlessness. It owns you not the other way around. You lost what you loved and not even her love for you could overcome the affect of this disease...she was/is also powerless over it.
"There is one who has all power...that one is God may you find Him now..." From How it works in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Want to have hope...real hope...get a Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and sometimes they are given free of charge at meetings, like my home group, and read slowly and openmindedly the first 164 pages. Do it one more time the same way because you are asked to by someone who it worked for that way.
Can you admit that you know only a little about alcoholism and recovery from it? If you can admit that then you can also admit that real awareness and change will come from the sober membership of AA. It is impossible to listen to and absorb all of it so getting it from one sober member who we call sponsor is simplest and works best. You won't believe it all or do it al even then but you will be getting it best. If you are not an attending member of AA I highly suggest that you toss fear to the winds and go. If you do not have a Big Book I suggest that you get the 6 bucks or so (might be a bit more) and get one if they don't step up to just giving you one. If you don't have a sponsor...a guide or mentor to lead you thru how this works I'd suggest that you throw all reservation against that into the wind along with the direct possibility that you not only loose your relationship with your lady but also your relationship with life itself (or the other two important relationships you have...God and self).
Don't think...Don't drink. Let the membership and its' suggestions do your thinking and planning. Water, Kool-Aid, Milk, Juice; all unfortified with ETOH alcohol is what you want to drink. Add alcohol and you find yourself by yourself lost and deep in self pity. Again.
If you hear from your girl again...simply suggest she call the Al-Anon Family Groups, (If she hasn't already) and attend their meetings and get their literature She has to read their literature and talk to them because you don't know much about the disease and how it work other than that It disolves things. Tell her to check it out and then hang up and call your own sponsor and go to the next meeting. You know what it is to be alcoholic and nothing about what it is like to love and live with one...(think going thru the pain without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out the reality of it.)
Keep coming back here. If you practice humility the miracle will happen and we will have another AHA! This works if we continue to work it.
