It was this weekend, a year ago, that I realized that I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanagable. I knew that when the weekend was over I would have to face the shame and pain of my actions. The thought of losing that much face was too much.
I had decided to go into work on Monday July 6th 2010, face the wrath of my employers, and then go into my shed and kill myself. The rig was set up. The text message to my sister saying goodbye with instructions on who to call was composed and stored, ready to recall & send.
I wrote a letter to my kids and another to my wife. I left them in the shed next to my rigging. Then I went to work.
Sure enough...a meeting was waiting for me. I went into that room empty; void of all feelings. In my mind I was already dead and just there to give them the satisfaction of firing me. I had already said goodbye to the best job I'd ever thrown away.
They were angry. I could see it in their faces; Boss, her Mom and her Dad. I remember thinking "soon I'll be with my parents...and they will hate me, too." Must be nice to have a f**king ivory tower, from which to cast judgement on us weak & diseased poor people. But that's not how it went down.
They started crying. First the boss, then her Dad, and finally Mom. "We don't want to lose you, Rob. Of course there's paperwork for you to sign, but Rob...we love you and the life you've been holding together by a thread is falling apart. Please, please get help. Do it for your kids, do it for your wife, do it for the station and do it for yourself but for God's sake Rob...get some help."
I bawled like only the penetant can. I burned the letters in my shed, and erased the text message. Two days later my wife went out and disassembled my hangin' rig.
The next day I walked into my first AA meeting and said "Hi, my name is Rob and I'm an alcoholic."
No, not a year sober...but a year working for sobriety. That's good enough for me & my HP for now.
Aloha AM...I do not have anywhere the humorous bent that Dean has and I do see it the same as you. It is a year of sobriety...you hung...stayed with it and I'm glad you became a MIP fellow also. It's been confirming watching you grow. Now if we can only hear from your wife about the rig? Keep coming back...marvelous!!
Thank you for sharing that.....you have traveled far my dear friend, and no one was looking when you fell down, HE just help you get back up on your feet, and continue the walk.
The ONLY good that could have come from that bad plan would have been that it could finally be claimed that you were "well hung". I am glad you are with us and your excellent example over the last year has probably helped hundreds of people that correspond and lurk. Happy independence day! Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I am grateful for your humor, honesty and commitment to the message board here. I am also glad that you jumped back into the saddle of sobriety immediately. No turning around now, I know that the demons are camped in the scrub waiting. Thanks for sharing the trail.
I'm counting on you teaching me how to fish one of these days.
. I am glad you are with us and your excellent example over the last year has probably helped hundreds of people that correspond and lurk. Happy independence day!