Blows me away sometimes.

As some of you know and others will learn now, my Mother in Law died on Monday 14th June 2010. I was really upset but my brothers and sisters in the fellowship back here have picked me up and carried me through this.

I initially decided that I wouldn't go to the funeral, I thought I was putting other peoples needs before my wants. I was lovingly challenged on this both on this forum and by people at home. After talking with you lot here, I also talked to my sponsor (short, sharp and to the point as ever - you wanna go the funeral? F*cking go then.) and another trusted friend who helped me get things in perspective, allowed me to see the people pleasing and the refusal to take responsibility.

So yes, I went to the funeral on Tuesday and I'm glad I did.

Nora was a member of the women's section of the Royal British Legion, an organisation that supports brtish ex servicemen, she and her late husband would spend hours of time all year to help others and especially would organise the annual Poppy day sales of Poppies, a major source of funds for the RBL.

So many of us attending decided to wear Poppies. I got a wild poppy and wore it as a buttonhole, but the breeze blew it apart before I got to the church.

There was some humour to the service - Nora's favourite hymn was all things brioght and beautiful, but she had the squeakiest singing voice you could imagine. We finished with Abide With Me, which reduces big men to tears every time. Nora was borne out of the church to Ravel's Bolero, because she loved Torvill and Dean.

As Nora's son Denis passed me he reached across and gave my arm a squeeze and said thanks for coming. After a while I decided to go to the internment and drove to the cemetary. After the internment, there was the receiving line of course, so I walked over to Eileen (my estranged wife and Nora's daughter) and just put my arms around her and held on. My Son and Daughter blanked me (didn't acknowledge me at all) and the disturbing thing for me was that I felt almost nothing for them. No anger, no sense of loss or longing, no feeling of family connection. Sure there was empathy for their loss, but their actions and behaviour had no effect on me, they were as strangers to me.

I'll talk to people in greater depth on a one to one basis about this.

Anyway, I went to the Tuesday night meeting and was asked to share my ESH, which I did and I'm not ashamed to say I bubbled up at the end, because it just came over me that I've gone through a difficult time but I felt as if 'I was in a position of neutrality, safe and protected' and I just felt so grateful that there is this fellowship, that helps me stay sober, that has helped me to change my thoughts, actions and beliefs and that has people in it that give a bugger about me and are honest enough to challenge me when I need challenging.