As some of you know I've been having a rough week. My life's been unmanageable. I've been praying, talking to my sponsor alittle, probably not as much as I should be. I've been trying to practice our principles in all my affairs but I was being blocked by something. This morning, I picked up As Bill Sees It and prior to opening the book I closed my eyes and asked god to read something that may help me get back in his spirit. I opened the book to page 139: Basis of All Humility. It reads: For just so long as we were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence, for just that long a working faith in a Higher Power was impossible. This was true even when we beleived that God existed. We could actually have earnest religious beliefs which remained barren becuase we were still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we placed self-reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility, a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing.
I didn't try or intend to do this, but my diesase took over and I pushed God out of the picture and placed self-reliance and self will first. I was trying to run the show. My short-comings returned with a vengence- Fear, doubt and insecurity. I set expectations on myself and everyone around me. Expectations set= resentment. My life was unmanagble. I learned a lot by this experience and thanked God for the lesson to learn in his spirit. I also turned my will and my life over to his care once more this morning. Armed with the memories of my recent days. I also remember what my sponsor always tells me: God first, AA second, Mike third and everyone else after that. This also reinforces to me that my problem goes beyond the powerlessness of drinking. Part II of step 1 is just a big to this alcoholic. My life is unmanagable with or without a drink if I rely upon myself to run the show.
Thank you so much, Mike, for sharing this with me, with "us". leaving my HP out of the picture because I can handle this is such a pattern for me to slip into. this is a wonderful ESH moment. jj
Yes ,thanks Mike.I also am unmanageable when I continually and subtly sneak my will back.SOMETIMES BLATANLY. For me the key is to remember says "lives' in our 3rd step,all the lives and roles we have,father,mother,sister,brother,son,daughter,friend,employee..I have a wonderful song I sing periodically called"I surrender all" When I sing that song and mean it that peace that surpasses all understanding,flows through me......Thanks for sharing Mike.......
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aloha Mike and Mahalo also for that share...It also is familiar for me and I am glad for the reoccurance and then the wakeup call and then the more intense practice of Steps2 and 3 and 11. Complacency for me is as habitual as assuming that I am in control and out of harms way. When I make the order of "God first..." a working part of my behavior and mind the serenity and confidence become very evident.
It is so easy to end up in that place, I've been there many times and have recently been struggling with keeping my focus recently because I can feel that slippery slope into self-will. Thanks for this reminder and that great quotes.
My short-comings returned with a vengence- Fear, doubt and insecurity. I set expectations on myself and everyone around me. Expectations set= resentment. My life was unmanagble. I learned a lot by this experience and thanked God for the lesson to learn in his spirit. I also turned my will and my life over to his care once more this morning. Armed with the memories of my recent days. I also remember what my sponsor always tells me: God first, AA second, Mike third and everyone else after that. This also reinforces to me that my problem goes beyond the powerlessness of drinking. Part II of step 1 is just a big to this alcoholic. My life is unmanagable with or without a drink if I rely upon myself to run the show.
