Hi all, I was hoping you might be able to share some advice on changing sponsors and whether in fact that might be warranted.
My sponsor is a very nice woman and has a lot of life experience, but I am her first sponsee, and I'm starting to think that maybe she just doesn't have the AA experience to help a newcomer like myself. She has 14 months of sobriety.
Usually when I call her with an issue, her advice to me is to go a meeting. Always good advice, of course, but I feel like I need more than that a lot of the time. I have a therapist and don't expect her to play that role, but am I wrong in wanting more from a sponsor-sponsee relationship? Is it appropriate to look for a new sponsor at this stage in the game? We are currently working on Step 4.
Has your sponsor worked all the steps with a sponsor who worked all the steps?? If you don't know just ask her. If she has great. If not she cannot give away what she doesnot yet have.
Beyond that sometimes we pick the wrong person as a sponsor. I needed a tough no nonsense one to see through my B.S. and keep me headed in the right direction. Too kind would not have been good with me.
It is OK for me to change sponsors if it is for a valid reason.
An invalid reason would be he is telling me something I need to hear but I don't want to. So I find one that is weaker. Bad choice for me.
Larry, ---------------------- Abandon: To give over or surrender completely; to give up with the intent of never again claiming one´s rights or interests in; to give oneself up without attempt at self control. (Dictionary)
I'm with Larry, has she done all the steps with a sponsor who has done all the steps?
Do you meet once a week and read out of the book? Is she taking you through the steps as you come to them? That is a sponsors job and 14 months is plenty of time sober to have done that. I know many people with 20+ years that say the same thing to their sponsees when they call with day to day drama.
other then that, the truth is we can't help you, if she is not helping you get through the steps, get another one, if she is but you are looking for a life coach, there are many in AA who enjoy that and love getting involved with sponsees lives.
Up to you, and for sponsor/sponsee issues truthfully I have found real life a much better venue to deal with that question as then you know the person you are talking to and can better assess their experience, something impossible to do over the internet
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Well...it could be strategic. People who are new to AA do need to make a new support network. It is more than just doing the steps. My first sponsor had me get 2 numbers from people every meeting. This is so you wont be dependent on her to help solve every life issue and you will have friends and a support network like a regular person. So your sponsor might have a good purpose for doing this....
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You have brought this issue to us here and we are obviously willing to share our esh with you about it. Im wondering if you can come right out and ask your sponsor why she merely suggests you go to a meeting instead of getting more in depth in your other problems ?
I heard a lady speak once and she said that she wasnt a sponsor to help with work problems, or children problems or sex life problems. She was there to help the sponsee stay sober by learning to rely on God and work the steps.
14 months is plenty of time sober to be sponsoring others ... if she has in fact experienced the spiritual awakening, the psychic change, worked the steps with her sponsor and is willing to take on the commitment of 'teacher'.
Ive had several sponsee's who were 3 months sober while I was working with them and had other women ask them to sponsor them. Women members in AA are few and far between in my neck of the woods. So, I encourage new women to sponsor other new women. Its really very simple .. we all work together , doing the steps in order, sharing with each other in a non-competitive manner and the outcome is a really nice group of gals who can sit and have coffee together and laugh and joke and be sincere about sobriety and the helpfulness that comes with it.
Thank you for your feedback. She has done the steps, we meet once a week to read out of the Big Book or 12x12. As AGO noted, this is more of a qualitative assessment that's hard to do without having met her. Thank you for the advice!
