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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Resentment
Post Info TOPIC: Resentment
Mike B.


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Resentment
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Today is my wife's birthday.  She is 40.  She wanted to do something special on her B-day.  I had planned to hike Mt Washington here in NH with her and her sister and husband.  We were going to do this after July 9th. because of the kids/work schedules.  My sister in-law is worried about hiking that far so her and I are planning a day on a Zip Line Adventure.  My wife knew about hiking but not that we're planning anything else.  I think she knows we'll do something but doesn't know what.  Also, family and friends will gather at the in-laws camp this Saturday for her B-day.  She know this. 

The last few days she's been self absorbed and to herself.  Fine.  Live and Let Live.  She also told her mother she's worried that nothing special will be done for her b-day.  I talked with her parents and they know we're planning something special.

I talk to my wife this morning and wished her a happy b-day and her attitude is the same.  So I checked in, everything all right?  she states: "I wanted to do something special for my b-day."  I told her if it's that important to her that yes something is being planned but I would like to keep it a surprise.  She said, how would I know you were planning something?  I said, I wanted to keep it a surprise.

WTF?  Is this selfish behavoir?  No regard for anyone else?  All about me?  I have to plan this around my sons baseball tournament, my daugthers softball tournament, work schedule- which prevents me from taking time off through 7/9, my sister in-law finding day care for her 6 & 2 year old and my wife's work schedule.  She's aware of all the scheduling above.

My first reaction was being pissed.  What a self centered b*tch.  Then, I laughed and was glad I was on this end of the story.  Now, Its like the fun has been taken out of it.  It's like here's your gift hope you enjoy it- seeing it's all about YOU.  furious

Any E,S & H would be appreciated.  Thanks.



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AGO


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put your wife in column one and go from there?

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jj


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LOL
you are just full of fun stuff today, Mike!!!
let it all go, dude.
don't let it ruin your day, hour, minute, second.
you choose your mood.
what will it be?
  talk like Donald Duck to her, whatever you want to do, leave her a love note.
the choice is yours.
  remove your ownership of her mood, words, and actions.
not easy?  then practice, practice, practice.
jj

P.S. 
a lot of people get pissy about stupid stuff, don't be one of them today.

-- Edited by jj on Tuesday 29th of June 2010 10:17:29 AM

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mikef


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Hey Mike,we always forget we can choose how we feel,I would say choose joy and happiness> I like the ;love note thing" Have a great day!!!:)

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louisa


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I think she knows we'll do something but doesn't know what.

She said, how would I know you were planning something?  I said, I wanted to keep it a surprise.

*smiling* Oh Mike! This really does seem like one of those miscommunication.misunderstanding problems that couples have ...... it really does.  I often think that no matter how long couples have been together - the propensity for communication breakdowns seems as huge sometimes as ever!

I  as a woman LOVE the idea of  the love note thing!biggrin

My boyfriend and I have had quite a few of these .......miscommunications/ misunderstandings!!!! The other night was a corker! disbelief OOPS! NEITHER of us intended to upset the other!

Expectations on both our sides often seem to be the culprit! ....Well i would say more on HIS side  *giggling alot*  I am PERFECT of course!!!!!!biggrin

Louisa xx

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Dave Harm


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Wow Mike,

I was your wife a couple of days ago... a lovely lady sent me a gift and I really liked it a lot... it was unique and quite different and it was special because it came from her.

But with all my excitement with the gift, I didn't tell her how much I enjoyed it and things went south in a hurry.

It was an innocent mistake... but it can happen.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I always try and give the benefit of the doubt. A lot of misunderstandings develop because of miscommunication...

For me it was a horrible feeling because I did love the gift, but she didn't get to experience my "high" from it

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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...
Mike B.


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Thank you my friends.  I appreciate your feedback.  It's amazing how well things can go- spiritually fit- then WAMMO, get hit right between the ears with something and seem to forget everything I learned.  I guess that's why we have a fellowship, to pull each other through these rough spots.  I thank you again.  I did send the note- against my will of course.  My will told me she didn't deserve it, but that would be selfish and self centered.  So I took the suggestion and did it.  It felt good afterward. 

Ago- I forgot all about step 4.  I did do some writing with this one.  Once again, it's amazing how I forget stuff.  I found I'm extremely fearful.  Go figure!  lol
When I listed it out I found:  Fear- I'm not good enough, I'm not getting her approval on my actions, I'm feeling rejected and the biggie like JJ wrote- I fear I upset her and was taken ownership of her feelings, thoughts and actions.  Old behavoir reared it's ugly head.  So I did like the book tells me:  pray for her and asked god what I could do to help her.  I prayed for gods removal of my fear and to replace it with faith and trust in him.  I asked How Can I Best Serve Thee!  I learned from God- that I'm still an alcoholic with a sick mind that needs to keep doing the work.  Thank you God.

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jj


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Wow, Mike, you sure turned that around.
awesome work.
((hugs))

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pinkchip


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Yah...good work Mike. This would be the spiritual axiom in practice. Justifiable anger on your part? Yes. Can you afford it? No. So what do you do? The next right thing utilizing your HP. So simple...good to have each other to remind ourselves to do these things.

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louisa


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You did brilliant Mike! Wow!
What an inspiration your share has been.
How to turn something round. I can still balk at the process. I do it as doing things my way in the past ended in disaster!
Sometimes it's as simple as what Andrew said - putting that person, or whatever in that first column and going from there....oh but the times I balk at that.biggrin

Just like Pink chip said - as an AA I cannot afford the anger.......well for long anyway!!!biggrin
Great stuff - thanks for sharing it all.
Louisa xx


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Pablomoses


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When I was new to recovery and still sometimes these days.....I used to get angry at some of my my wife's behavior. My favorite saying used to be, "I'm taking care of my side of the street, I'm not going to kill myself because of you"-----what a silly thing to say!!
Today, I'm better at taking responsibility for my reaction to behavior. Thanks for the share---I need to remind myself of things daily!!

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