Okay, here's the deal. So I get to my meeting tonight an everyone who's already there is looking at me all funny. It seems as though they are even trying to avoid eye contact with me. I was a little puzzled, but put it off as nothing. Before the meeting starts, one of the ladies in the group pulls me aside and say's "we all know, and I'm glad you came tonight" WTF???
Basically, without going into all the boring details, everyone had already heard that I was "back out drinking". WTF WTF WTF. NOT TRUE!!! Sorry, but at the moment I'm just a little pissed off. Before I continue on I want to say that in no way are the following comments meant in a derogatory way toward any of the women on this board, so please don't be offended.
There is one particular woman in my home group who just rubs me the wrong way. It's me as much as it is her. She took over chairing meetings on Monday nights, and because of the way she "runs" (her words, not mine) the meeting attendance has gone down on that night from 10-15, to 4-5, and those are the ones who are in her (as she puts it) "personal AA club". This short story is turning long, so I'll get to the point. According to her, and what she's told others in my home group the reason I don't go to Monday night meetings anymore is because (again, her words) "he's drinking again, and I know it, and he can't face me" It would have nothing to do with the fact that I attended a men's book study, or the fact that I am now scheduled to work Monday nights.
I had to actually explain to the people in the group that I was NOT drinking again. To top it all off, it was an open meeting, and there were visitors there, and nursing students from UT. When the meeting was over, the chair (just happend to be one of the ladies in her circle) looks at me, and proceeds to ask "would anyone like to pick up white chip to start or renew the program?", all the while, not taking her eyes off me. I know I did the wrong thing, but at that point I stood up and walked out.
I came home and read about the justifiable anger stuff, and called my sponsor. He told me he knew I hadn't been drinking, and that I need to worry about my own house cleaning. He reminded me that some are sicker than others. He reminded me to read pg 417 in my BB. I did all he suggested, and still feel like I was wronged. I know...poor me.
So, let me have it. I need some hard honest truth here. I present my butt to you...start chewin'.
I had been sober for 3 years, very active, we had movie nights, dance night, we threw parties, we stayed up all night at Denny's all the time, at the Ice Cream store every tuesday, (we were all in our 20's) we bombed around about 30 of us, we had a BLAST
so I go out (drink), I'm out for awhile and I come back, everyone has moved on they've gotten boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs etc so I try to get things moving again and have a movie night at my house, I'm asking everyone, then I ask this guy, he looks akward and scared, trying to get him to relax I say "C'mon man, there's GIRLS It'll be fun"
He RUNS
He goes to the HARDCORE Stag meeting in the area (300 men) and shares at Group level I'm having an orgy with newcomer girls, everyone there knows me and my history and truthfully except for the newcomer part it wasn't that much of a stretch to believe it was possible...
So the rumors start...and grow .....soon I'm raping newcomer girls.....and they grow legs, a girl gets caught sneaking out of her Sober living environment, her sponsor is SURE it is me... tells yet more people about it, meanwhile I am oblivious, I am dating a girl I have been friends with for maybe 7? 8? years, she has 15 years of sobriety, we start dating on my 6 month birthday (yes yes I know, we stayed together for 7 years, we only broke up because I moved away, she's still my best friend) so my next door neighbor, has like 20 years has this friend she 12 steps, the woman leaves her husband, and I bump into her and my neighbor lady friend and they ask me about this meeting I've started (a campfire meeting) and they know Trishy and I are best friends but don't know we are dating, so this woman asks if I can take her and her son (a member of the mens stag) to my beach bonfire meeting and we can take Trishy....
They pick us up, this woman HURLS her son into the back seat with Trishy, we look at each other and giggle and hold hands and figure we'll wait to clear up the confusion, we don't want to embarass her in front of her son...
We get to the beach, I pack the wood down and am ATTACKED by people about throwing these newcomer orgies, how could I, we are so ashamed of you, you are disgusting (I tell Trishy and we are puzzled as to exactly I could have found time to have sex with all these women since me and Trishy were together every night)
Then the woman who's sponsee was caught sneaking out pulls me to the side, she is DISGUSTED with me, how could I sleep with this poor unfortunate, blah blah snore...
No one believes a word I say, not about the orgies, not about sleeping with this newcomer girl
So the sun sets, I build the fire, Trishy sets up places for us next to the fire, I wait until the last minute to sit down making sure the fire is perfect, I didn't notice this woman with her son that drove out has been hanging back, I sit down, she lunges in behind me and DRAPES herself on me and starts nuzzling my neck, I'm looking at Trishy who is beet red and is laughing so hard she has tears running down her face and I am making fish faces with my mouth in a perfect "O", when the secretary asks if there are any newcomers, this womans arm shoots up in her best Marilyn Monroe breathy happy birthday Mr President voice announces herself as new, I look across and can see her son who is 17 and has been struggling to stay sober looking at me......I look around and can see hundreds of eyes staring at me as this newcomer girl is draped across my back, her face in my neck, I want to sink into the ground....
Finally my oldest sponsee confronts me in front of about 30 people we get into it HARD, This man and I have NO secrets and he's not believing me, we have been through hell and back together, finally I'm like...wait...wait this all supposedly happened last Monday night?
YOU WERE THERE YOU DUMB SHIT, I look around YOU WERE ALL THERE!!!! DID YOU SEE ANY ORGY??? IT WAS A f&*^%ING MOVIE!!!!!
Oh...Monday?
really?
that's when it was supposed to have happened? Wait, we WERE all there...Monday? You sure?
oops
sorry our bad
and that aint the only time I been on the wrong side of the rumor mill in AA, we're all here because we aint all there and some are sicker then others
just for the record, I have never slept with someone with less time then me
except once, she got sober while we were dating
I will discuss the vast enjoyment of dating a newcomer another time
just let it go man, it aint yours unless you let it be, and trust me, it could be worse, it could be newcomer girls or small mammals, as far as rumors go drinking at AA aint that bad, it will all come out in the wash, but if you do anything stupid you are going to be the one making amends. Let it Go, truth will out, it always is.
-- Edited by AGO on Wednesday 23rd of June 2010 11:38:22 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hey Ref, It seems like you can not escape kingdom building even in AA! I think I would just bring it up at the small group on Monday and ask where they got the idea that you were drinking, and how bad it makes you feel when you are actually sober. If that does not float, I would tell the queen bee that in your honest perception, her heavy handed ways have chased off other members and since we are all in an open honest program, you should point out that nonsence like this does not help anyones recovery. If that does not work, I would drop trou and offer up your puffy, pale a$$ for a group smooch. Actually, I would keep my pants on and just laugh at the Queen Bee and her entourage because it really does not matter. You know the truth, you tried to correct them, if they don't take the correction they are to be pitied, because they do not really "get" the program they are trying to "run" Hang in there Ref! At least no one is accusing you of being the Captain of the Orgy Boat like Ago. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanks. I'm feeling better after putting a little time between me and the "event". I guess I felt like it was a personal attack for reasons unknown to me. What scares me is if my employer hears the rumors I could get into some serious trouble. I know I need to confront her, but that's gonna be extremely hard for me. Time to start putting allot of prayer into it.
AGO, I lmao when I read your post. It just drove the point further home that some people are sicker than others. The best I can do is not feed into their rumors, and let it go. I can't afford to let this turn into a resentment.
Ref...Aloha and that reminded me of an event (HP and me) years ago when I was reacting to something outside of myself and taking personally. I was traveling in my car to a meeting and all of a sudden the radio station alert whistle started right in the middle of my more serious thoughts and feelings about what I decided to take personal...then the voice followed the whistle "This is a test...This is ONLY a test." That little communication from my HP reaffirmed the best slogan I got from an early sponsor. "Don't React"...what ever it is; look at it, think about it, feel about it but...Don't React. I've often wondered if a fish went thru as much pain as I do when I fall for the bait. AA is made up of thousands of crazy people trying to get sober and sane...I no longer react when they do crazy stuff.
Keep coming back. Sorry the program took away my compulsion to chew butt... got any ice cream? LOL
I have said this many times in the past. And even tho I know we are not suppose to 'compare' in the fellowship I believe this reference is that Im not suppose to compare my drinking to others' drinking habits or behaviors. ie : that drunk drank every day or drank in the morning to get rid of the dt's, etc. etc. I never drank like that so I must be different.
I found out that just cuz I didnt drink like others did or do, that Im still an alcoholic and it doesnt really matter what my or their habits were. I belong in AA cuz I say I do.
Now, this doesnt mean that I have to attend the same meetings over and over and over on a regular basis. I also do not have to defend my sobriety or my whereabouts or where Ive been in the absence of a regular meeting. Remember ... To Thine ownself be true.
When I was out there boozin it up , Id drink at several different places. If there were ppl I didnt particularly like at one bar, Id go to the next for a few weeks and stay away from the bar that offended me. I do the same with AA meetings. If there is a meeting that I dont like then its simple - I dont go to that meeting. Why put myself thru all the chaos, or drama or madness when I dont have to ?
I got sober to have a life. I got sober to learn how to rely on God to help me with any and everything I come in contact with. I got sober to learn how to function in relationships. And, when I got sober and over time I have learned that not everybody in AA is well.
Sounds like now you have a resentment against this one Woman and I have been sponsored to pray for Ones I resent.
Also sounds like you have a good sponsor, so Id suggest you listen to Him and not worry so much about the Ones who are in an AA / sobriety race or competition.
I can't control what anyone says or does but I do have control over my reactions no matter what. I always try to remember the 10th step axiom.
I also decide which AA meetings I am going to attend. Some groups are very far removed from the purpose of carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
I don't get resentful as I can't afford to, but I have and will change groups if warranted. I will even change my home group if it is no longer practicing the principles of AA.
I do not need a social group, I need to be around people wanting sobriety above all else.
Larry, ----------------- When you throw dirt, you lose ground. ~Texan Proverb
Well after a good nights sleep, and some fresh perspective, things don't seem nearly bad as they did last night. Drives home the point that this too shall pass. I know others have similar experiences in AA, but it's always nice to get a little reassurance.
I loved that Jerry. This is only a test. I try and look at tests as tools to help us learn where were strong and where were weak. I don't think of life's test as pass or fail anymore, and that's made a big difference in my life today. Thanks for the support.
Reffner - sounds like you are working through this just fine, and isn't that EXACTLY WHAT sobriety is about??? Cool! I've had similar things happen too, but they aren't even interesting enough to relate and honestly I've forgotten most of it by now anyway because it really doesn't matter. But thanks for sharing it all with us, working it out in part on this board, because it gives me hope and strength.
AA is full of a lot of people who have nothing but time on their hands and do not have jobs and do nothing but AA stuff. When you try to have a life outside the rooms, you will wind up leaving some of those that are super dependent on the rooms by the wayside. They will criticize you for not going to 7 to 10 meetings a week. Not saying you should ever cut out meetings, but the purpose of recovery is also to recover outside the rooms and people whose lives just revolve around gossip about people in meeting and ones that live at the clubhouse or go to 20 meetings a week just get my compassion...it keeps them sober but they need to walk through the fears that exist in the real world instead of hiding out in the microcosm of "the fellowship."
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It would have nothing to do with the fact that I attended a men's book study, or the fact that I am now scheduled to work Monday nights.
