Goals

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Goals

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Dave,I also work hard to work on my incessant unintentional 'need to be right" when I could just let things go.Through the spiritual principles and my walk with my HP I at least give myself a chance to "stop" see where the interaction is going to lead, and just step back if it is self serving.Though at times I do look back at the pain,,I feel that the God of my understanding has me just where I am supposed to be now and each day I make the most of what time I have left .An opportunity ,that until December 2nd,1984,I didn't believe I would ever have...Having freed my guilt and pain fom the past and making amends to those alive and dead to the best of my ability by working our spiritual principles with my sponsor,makes it easier each day just working on a thorough 10th step and looking back just at the day seeing how I did and what I will have to work on next day if that is granted me.The pain of what we have done will probably always hurt ,but I also know,for me, it helps me know that no matter what I can never go back to the day before that cold December,2nd morning .Thanks for reminding me how easy it is for us,any of us to unitentionally do things to others that causes pain and if we stay on top of things,with God's grace we can make amends and learn from our actions..

AGO · MIP Old Timer

great share, I also have to watch for inadverdant hurts of others, the self centered oblivious step on others toes hurts

When I did my sexual inventory the first time my "ideal" was also "to not hurt others", however I learned that "not hurting others" turned into not telling people painful truths sometimes, and by doing that I caused both them and me much more hurt in the long run, by not being true to myself in order to not hurt others I caused far more damage and pain in the long run

when I did it again I had a sponsor that made me write out a detailed list of what I was looking for, he glanced at it and said "great, now become that person, you attract what you are, if you want this person, you need to become this person" which I have found to be true in every area of my life, how to explain, "renounce the garment of the Lord and receive it back as your gift", when I no longer needed my Father's validation, I received it in Spades, when I no longer needed a relationship to make me whole, I got into a good one.

Funny side note, or ironic, I did learn that My God listens, so after many many years in this "healthy" relationship I moved away and found myself single, so after maybe 6 months I looked up at God (I literally did this) and said "OK, God, I have had enough of this whole healthy relationship thing for awhile, what I remember from my past is hot sex comes with high drama, so can I have some hot sex and drama please?"

Frickin God is STILL laughing about that one and I am still trying to clean up the wreckage

the one thing I have learned is "More will be revealed", well. that and "To Thine Own Self be True" (and it follows that you can be false to no (wo)man

So to mine own self be true has to come first over harms to others for me, now this is tricky because I can't use it to justify selfish self centered behavior, but if I am not true to myself I can't be true to others if we follow the logical progression of that axiom

Sometimes I am culpable for inadverdant hurts to others, sometimes it is just a necessary part of life, if I am rigorously honest, it's no longer "my problem", and if someone else has a problem with it, it is "their problem", which I think is the root behind when old timers used to tell me it is better to give a resentment then get one, now once again, this is a tricky area I have to be careful of not to put my selfish needs before others, but there is a reason "To Thine Own Self be True" is on the back of every sobriety coin I have ever received

I have been through some Coda stuff and Alanon stuff, and from my observations from myself and others I learned that while we are learning about our boundaries and where we end and others begin, frequently we put boundaries and take responsibilities for things that happen in other peoples "yards", I have been slowly slowly learning over the years to differentiate between what is my business and what isn't, if I run up and punch you in the nose or harm you it doesn't behoove me to say "I am not responsible for your feelings" but it is as equally self centered to take responsibility for feelings other people have that aren't my responsibility

this is tricky stuff, I know how to not drink, that's easy now, the problem has been removed as the result of the steps, now it's learning how to do so comfortably in my own skin, which is an ongoing process I have found

Simple · Senior Member

Great goals. I live a pretty boring life these days and I LOVE it! (and sometimes I want the drama, too, but not often anymore). I think the unintentional hurt is a sticky one. Its a good reminder to me to look out for selfishness, self-centeredness - those are often a part of my past ways of unintentionally hurting others. Greed, fear - oh yeah, that too. I think that no matter what we can't avoid hurting others entirely, but the intensity and quantity may lessen over time.

I heard a great quote a while back, and I'll probably butcher it, but it said that if we live our lives in earnest, that we can do no major harm to others. That is, if our intentions are good then we won't hurt anyone in a major way. I thought it interesting that it didn't say we won't hurt others...just not in a major way! But living right is a protection against the worst offenses, and keeps us in the middle. Okay, I feel like I am not making sense now, but thanks for the post!