As most of you know I have one Son in a Prison, have not heard from him in ages, his brother told me he was supposedly in Solitary Confinement for refusing to have a cell mate.....
That was over 2 months ago, and also at that time I did hear that he supposedly thought that a group of people there at the prison were "out to do him harm".....well you can only imagine my worry over his well being......
Pray about David everyday, asking God to keep him safe. Really that is ALL I can do.....
So last night about 6:30 pm, I see a call coming in and I can see from the number it is the Prison number......and instead of being excited about picking up the phone and talking to David, I actually thought for a flash of a second, not to pick up the phone, fear rush through me, but I caught myself (Thank You God) and I picked the phone up....
In his voice I heard so much depression, not normally what I hear, then a long story about the "hole" that he was in, and as a consequence, they put him in a Medical facilitie, in a different location in California, to attempt for David to try and take classes or some form of behavior modification, so he will not be so anti-social, when he Has to return the the regular Prison....... he did mention that staying in this first facility where he was originally placed, was not an option anymore, David is an extreme case of Schizophenia, and he needs medications, and he just no longer get the right help....not a damn thing I can do, nor his own Brother who is a Pychiatrist.......we have tried.......David did tell me that also with this punishment, came an extra year to his Sentence, so it was probably from doing something of some nature to another, a fight......
Then toward the end of the conversation, the telephone interrupts with these little messages like "you have 120 seconds left" then he just started to tell me about a new friend he made, and I asked him....oh do you mean the ones in your imaginary friends....(like in his head)...I asked him gently...but when he said yes, that is where I HAD to drawn the line, and with almost 2 minutes left to talk, said, David, sorry I have to go now. I love you, talk to you Saturday at 900 am, (he can again in this new facility make the Saturday calls to me at least for now)...
Ok almost finished with this venting, it does feel good to write it out......
I put down the phone, and could feel the heaviness in my heart, I had to call a great person back on schedule, and I called her, and said my son just called me. So I will talk to you tomorrow....
Prayer, Prayer, talking to God, Praying to God.......for his Safety...
I am sort of just a little better with the neck problem, a slower than usual response to the traction and exercise...... But I could not help the feeling of Dear God my Cup runneth over, and it runneth over with not good stuff, just so much of how I just want to breath and Pray, to attempt to somehow manage a cheerful smile.....and then I thought about how wonderful my HP has been always, in Helping me stay sober, and Helping walk through so much sorrow and pain, He Has Never failed to be there.....now that is something that brings a smile to my face. and I am now just going to have to walk throught this and wait, I have learned so much about the pratice of Patience.....
Wow this was long, sorry for the long winded vent.....God Bless all of Us.....
Toni, Thank you for the heartfelt post. It must be hard "to accept the things we can't change and courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference." No one gets it right all the time. By working the steps(principles) on a daily basis our purposes is to grow in our understanding and effectiveness. My prayers go out to you and your son. Remember; God walks in front of us, he will reveal more in his time.
Hi Toni, Good to see your faith in God is so strong. I am glad you shared with us. I needed to hear, more than anybody else. I take things for granted sometimes. It is only sharing of this nature that renews my faith. Not only that, it makes me pause and think. Even for a moment, to know that He is in control of my life because you told me that He is there in your painful moments. Just to hear you minister those words to me in the toughest moments is a great blessing. I thank you. Those that are exalted like myself will be humiliated. Those that are weak will be exalted. God bless.
Larry, ---------------------- Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.
Thank you for bringing that to us Toni,to share with you.It helps me immensely when I can just take a look around(and I work with people with disabilities)and know that I am really blessed and there is always someone carrying a bigger load.My thoughts and prayers are for everyone concerned in your family .God does love you and though we don't understand at times(many times) there is a plan to what may seem like all this madness.This I firmly believe (((((((((toni))))))))..............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thank you from the Bottom of my Heart for your good thoughts and the warm and caring love that was felt.
Think when stuff comes up like this, and it does, just the process of writing it out seems to take the real stink out of the sadness and pain....
For myself, what I always Pray to God for first, is that I not have to have a PTST revisit, and today I am actually feeling some peace, it is not weighing heavy on my heart, as in it is what it is....HIS Will, not mine....It never ceases to amaze me how at times God will allow a tranference of Peace over all that troubles me...... The love and lack of Judgement on this Board is so very awesome.....also with amazement...."WE" sure do, Do this Sobriety thing together....The sky is a clear blue, the sun is out and bright and all is well. One little note, have to say that when I made a decision about a month ago to stop watching any and all news stations, ever for more than say 30 seconds at a glance.....it helped a lot with the feeling of peace inside. At times my friends ask me what I thought of "whatever" that was blasting the airways, I simply say, dont know, and please, dont tell me, with a smile.....
Hi Toni: I am humbled at your story and the grace granted to you to see past the natural burdens and find comfort and hope in your higher power. You are a testimony to the power of God and what He can do when we let Him. Blessings to you Toni, I will pray for you and your situation tonight. Carlotta
Toni, I too add my love and support and prayers. This is something you have to go through again, and again, and again. And every time, I see that you somehow do it sober, and by simply reaching out with both hands to the God of your understanding. It is an amazing message of hope that you share with us when you describe the horrible pain and the awful circumstances that you deal with in recovery. You do it sober every time, and you prove to me every time that all things-- ALL THINGS-- are possible with God at the helm. And you also show me and the rest of us the underlying blessings in all things, even when they are so hard to see sometimes.
A million hugs and warmth tonight being sent your way. Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Dang Toni, that is not where anyone wants their child. I am surprised he was deemed competent to stand trial if he has serious schizophrenia. Being locked up would only add to that paranoia and stress which trips off all the symptoms. I feel for you....but also having serious schizophrenia...he would not be living it up that great even if he were out.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Toni, I am very sorry to hear about this latest turn. I really think that the only way to handle a situation like this is to partition your life. In other words, there is no good answer for this now. There simply is not. There is no effort you can make to rectify a disturbed mind, and there is no fault attributed to you. The fact is that we are all not made perfect or even in the range of normal. As alcoholics, we KNOW that and we are fortunate to have an ongoing cure called AA. Schizophrenia is a serious situation that is in God's hands. I really think you have it right. Do what you can do on Saturdays at 9:00, pray daily, and focus on yourself and rest. Balance the strain with frequent rest. Make sure that when you rest, you find something small to enjoy like a weed that produces a flower for you or a spider web that glistens with the morning dew. At this point, your son is a part time job that you need to partition for your sanity. It sounds like a blessing that the state finally realizes he needs to be in a seperate facility. Prayers to you and your son, Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Monday 21st of June 2010 09:10:25 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
