I am so very sorry

Was 31 years for me Bill.before I was back in the mix with my family....Never give up hope.I will pray that you weather this storm,keep blessed memories of what you had and keep moving forward.. peace.......

SPD - I understand where you are coming from. I don't need to attend Nora's funeral, at least not for my sake. I might want to attend to support Eileen. But.....

James and Chrissie feel the Need to attend but want not to attend if I'm there......

Eileen has been clear that if I don't go she needs her brother, Denis, to support her and Denis agrees.....

So as I see it, Eileen will have the support from Denis, Chrissie and James get to say their goodbyes as they need to and I'm OK with this today, because I said my farewells on Monday.......

It's a long time until the 29th and things may change, but the fall back plan for me is I'll go and do something which satisfies me on the day, will pause at the appropriate time to reflect on what Nora means to me and will make my own homage to Nora (and Wally) later on.....

This is one of those times where I rightly put others needs before my wants. It's not being blackmailed, it's how it is today. Chrissie and James get their needs met (but perversely don't get their wants met), Eileen get's her needs met (but not her wants unfortunately) and as I see it, although it does cause me a measure of pain, I get to do the next right thing.

Bill, sorry for the double-dose of pain that you're getting at this time. Your honesty, acceptance and courage are testimonies to this programe and a real help to all us and it's a privilege to have them shared with me.

Thoughts are with you, bro.

Steve

well meant words Pink, if harshly said. But you are right, if my children want to effectively divorce themselves from me then they will eventually find I divorce myself from them, though I doubt I could ever treat them as strangers.

it takes more than a few years of sobriety to earn the trust that has been destroyed by more than a few years of alcoholic behaviour - and it's the behaviour that has the consequences that I must deal with.

as for forgiveness - well I've forgiven myself and I've forgiven them, I guess becuase my higher Power has forgiven me and I don't believe I can accept forgiveness until I show forgiveness. What do I forgive my children for? their ongoing behaviour -so it can be a daily thing if necessary.

as for the change in me - so maybe they should acknowledge the change, but they can't do that unless they see it and they can't see it unless they look.

Dropping the resentments and moving on - easy for you and I to say that, but we had to learn how to do it, because we wanted and more importantly needed to do that, because our lives depend upon it. the civvies out there who are not alkies, don't change because the don't need to like we do. Who are James and Chrissie really hurting with their resentments? Themselves mostly and to a lesser extent the people they interact with and to a lesser extent still, me. We know that resentment just burns you up and makes you sour. They don't know that because they haven't learnt that, because they don't need to learn that.

I don't think I'm 'licking their behinds' any more, I sure was at one time, but not now neither am I wiping their noses, clearing up their messes or bailing them out of trouble. My daughter is in serious debt, which I am in a fortunate position that I could wipe out in a trice, but I don't do it because she must learn that financial irresponsibilities have consequences, as does all manner ov irresponsibilities, but it's very hard for me to do. My Son is working a very low paid job and again get's himself into all manner of financial bother, but he seems more able and more willing to get straightened out under his own efforts (for example, although he recently got promoted, he still took a second job to clear his debts.)

I could, in the background, make their lives so much easier by contributing  to the running of the family home, which i don't live in and I now don't contribute to the family expenses because it's got shag all to do with me. OK I arranged for broadband at their house because I can gift a broadband package to a family member for nowt and I don't need it. I pay for my wife's mobile phone because I can get a huge staff discount, but the phone has to be in my name and i contribute to the maintenance of the house, because I still own half of it and you don't let your material possessions deteriorate for neglect.

So this does mean that James and Chrissie live with their Mum in a 4 bedroom house, with a garage and a patio and a garden and instant heat and a perfect bathroom and double glazing and they have their own rooms. So they pay rent to their Mum, at a rate which is risible. (20% of their net pay). If their Mum complains to me that they are late with the rent, i have to steel myself and say that's not my business.

As for me, I rent a 3 bedroom house, with instant heat and a garden and a shed and decking (I did the outside works) and I'm just fine with that arrangement for today. I'm not living in a hovel while the rest of the family live in a palace. I have my own toys and material possessions.

Sorry Bill...I got a little frustrated hearing how they continue to treat you like this...Them actually verbalizing they don't want you at a funeral just seemed nasty and vindictive. 2 wrongs don't make a right. As resident codependent, and self-appointed message board therapist, I am just wanting you to be happy, feel good about who you are now, and not live in permanent ammends mode.

Mark