Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. --Step Nine
When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem. Other times, instead of saying I'm sorry, what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
We deserve to be at peace with ourselves and others.
Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
I didn't know there was different types of amends or exactly what it meant until I got to AA and my sponsor took me through the steps. He explained to me there's direct amends and living amends. He helped me with each situation to determine whether it was a direct amends or if a living amends was better. Good thing for him and AA.... Now I make amends daily if needed through step 10. Keeping my side of the street clean and with the knowledge that not everyone prefers to live this lifestyle. That's o.k. today. I'm only concerned and in control of myself.
I didn't know there was different types of amends or exactly what it meant until I got to AA and my sponsor took me through the steps. He explained to me there's direct amends and living amends. He helped me with each situation to determine whether it was a direct amends or if a living amends was better. Good thing for him and AA.... Now I make amends daily if needed through step 10. Keeping my side of the street clean and with the knowledge that not everyone prefers to live this lifestyle. That's o.k. today. I'm only concerned and in control of myself.
MikeB,
Saying I'm sorry is sometimes good, and other times saying I was wrong...I screwed up works.
When my daughter totaled (unrepairable) wrecked the rental car last month...I told the rental guy I was sorry for letting her drive it and for wrecking it, but he instead went off on me...Well, he said,"not as sorry as I am over my car! He went then on a rant and I reverted back to my childhood (in my mind) getting scolded. I again, said, I am sorry and so so sorry and I am sorry. He said, "I told you this and that,on on and on." I had a pretty good resentment going for awhile and I also felt ashamed of myself. BTW, my insurance paid him 100%. Later I thought to heck with that B*st**d. He sent me a paper stating no one under 21 is to drive that car, lines highlighted in yellow. He said, "I tried to call you." (I thought, I do not want nor need more of the same crap from this guy.) I simply took that paper and wrote on the bottom," I am very sorry this happened, but all I can do at this point is try to make things right. Enclosed is the S250.00 I owe you from the deductible. Scribbled illegible thanks and scribbled my name, as I always do when I sign things and then mailed it, rather than be face to face. Sometimes it is best to be polite,yet without the need to win someone over.
making an amends and making an apology are two different things, they have nothing to do with each other as far as AA and the steps go
to apologize is to make a formal defense
to amend is to repair, to change me, to change my actions, to change the situation, to make things right, it has nothing to do with an apology
so when it says to make amends, to me it doesn't mean going around and apologizing, it means making things right, like Mike says there are living amends where we can't repair the past, but we can repair the present and the future by our actions, there are amends by making things right by paying people back, whatever, neither has anything to do with apologizing, they have to do with making the situation right, and thus making me right with God
Also with making amends other peoples responses are none of my business, the amends is about making me right with the world, it has nothing to do with how they feel so thus how they behave with me, ultimately, if I apologize or make an amends with the goal being the other person forgives me or I avoid an asschew, I am just being selfish, self serving and manipulative, which is my main problem anyway, and it is no true amends, thus there is no relief
So it doesn't matter how many times I say "I am sorry" or even "I was wrong" if I continue with my behavior, this is what they refer to in Al-anon as an alcoholic quacking because our apologies or even admissions of guilt or mistakes is just more meaningless noise unless our actions change, I might as well be saying quack quack quack, it has about the same level of meaning
It took me years to learn that me apologizing was me manipulating, hence why we do a thorough 6th, 7th and 8th step before a thorough ninth step, and do so with the guidance of a good sponsor, otherwise it is in many cases, just more manipulation, the mess we are there to clean is ours, not the other mans, and the behavior we are there to change is ours, not the other man's, me making an amends is me removing a character defect that is/has been harming another human, not offering them a band aid for the injury I have inflicted upon them
most of us thought good character was desirable, but obviously good character was something one needed to get on with the business of being self-satisfied. With a proper display of honesty and morality, we'd stand a better chance of getting what we really wanted.
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 17th of June 2010 11:28:09 AM
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
AGO, do you ever get a case of the funk and think to yourself "Excuse me for freakin' living"...lol I am sorry... a sorry wad...no count...loser...now what you gonna do...
AGO, do you ever get a case of the funk and think to yourself "Excuse me for freakin' living"...lol I am sorry... a sorry wad...no count...loser...now what you gonna do...
Crazy talk I know...LOL!
Yes, I do, but seriously?
it's nothing but selfish self centered self pity, and is alcoholism trying to get me to feel so bad I drink, because that is what my disease does, I can wallow in my own selfish self pitying boggy mire because it makes me truly important, when I am depressed the whole world revolves around me and I truly become the piece of shit the world revolves around which is exactly what untreated alcoholism looks like, or I can address it, drinking is but a symptom of my ISM, my ISM is simply "I screw myself" and what better way to screw myself then live in a boggy mire of my own mental poop, which is warm and comfortable and familiar at first, but it gets cold, smells bad and I notice no one is around because no one wants to hang out with someone wallowing in their own poop, it smells bad and our conversation becomes tedious
Like Dean says, it's my choice, my decision whether to be happy or not, now for me, I can't just "will" myself happy, but I can take the necessary actions to ensure happiness is possible, the steps give me those tools, this forum is an alcoholics anonymous forum where we discuss the tools to address those things in order to live happy, joyous and free lives.
If I were still drinking my solution is a simpler one, I'd get drunk and sleep with someone, problem solved, I don't have the luxury of those crutches any more so need to take the actions necessary to address it in other ways, like the steps, reaching out to other sober alcoholics with a good working knowledge of this disease so they can point out where my thinking is flawed, which in cases like this one is usually rolling with laughter at my stupidity accompanied by unconditional love and stories from their own moronic behavior so I can understand what it is I am doing and forgive myself and change my behavior.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful, and nothing will get me drunk faster then an unaddressed resentment especialy if it is ALL of my own doing
these aren't just funny stories, or stories we tell to show how other people are messed up, this is life and death my brain trying to kill me stuff, how we learn to fit in with the world around us literally makes the difference between drinking or not drinking, a happy sober existence or a miserable bitter life, this is EVERYTHING, it seems trivial, but it's not, this IS alcoholism, and it's trying to kill me.
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 17th of June 2010 12:29:23 PM
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
AGO, do you ever get a case of the funk and think to yourself "Excuse me for freakin' living"...lol I am sorry... a sorry wad...no count...loser...now what you gonna do...
Crazy talk I know...LOL!
Yes, I do, but seriously?
it's nothing but selfish self centered self pity, and is alcoholism trying to get me to feel so bad I drink, because that is what my disease does, I can wallow in my own selfish self pitying boggy mire because it makes me truly important, when I am depressed the whole world revolves around me and I truly become the piece of shit the world revolves around which is exactly what untreated alcoholism looks like, or I can address it, drinking is but a symptom of my ISM, my ISM is simply "I screw myself" and what better way to screw myself then live in a boggy mire of my own mental poop, which is warm and comfortable and familiar at first, but it gets cold, smells bad and I notice no one is around because no one wants to hang out with someone wallowing in their own poop, it smells bad and our conversation becomes tedious
Like Dean says, it's my choice, my decision whether to be happy or not, now for me, I can't just "will" myself happy, but I can take the necessary actions to ensure happiness is possible, the steps give me those tools, this forum is an alcoholics anonymous forum where we discuss the tools to address those things in order to live happy, joyous and free lives.
If I were still drinking my solution is a simpler one, I'd get drunk and sleep with someone, problem solved, I don't have the luxury of those crutches any more so need to take the actions necessary to address it in other ways, like the steps
AGO,
I never thought of it as self-centeredness or self-pity, but it certainly is...justification in my own head. This trip I haven't made it to step 4 yet. Amends hmmm...I have always had trouble with this one. Who do I make amends to? My kids, I suppose. The only way I can make amends to them is to work the program,stay sober,and by showing them.
This trip I haven't made it to step 4 yet. Amends hmmm...I have always had trouble with this one. Who do I make amends to? My kids, I suppose. The only way I can make amends to them is to work the program,stay sober,and by showing them.
J
Janet, My kids were young when I did step 9. My sponsor and I discussed it and he suggested I make daily, living amends. Kids would be to young to understand a formal amends.
Just like you mentioned above- I did and continue to do.......... By staying sober, working the program- having a god of my understanding in my life, practicing the principles in all my affaris and be a power of example for them. It worked rather nicely!
AGO, do you ever get a case of the funk and think to yourself "Excuse me for freakin' living"...lol I am sorry... a sorry wad...no count...loser...now what you gonna do...
Crazy talk I know...LOL!
Yes, I do, but seriously?
it's nothing but selfish self centered self pity, and is alcoholism trying to get me to feel so bad I drink, because that is what my disease does, I can wallow in my own selfish self pitying boggy mire because it makes me truly important, when I am depressed the whole world revolves around me and I truly become the piece of shit the world revolves around which is exactly what untreated alcoholism looks like, or I can address it, drinking is but a symptom of my ISM, my ISM is simply "I screw myself" and what better way to screw myself then live in a boggy mire of my own mental poop, which is warm and comfortable and familiar at first, but it gets cold, smells bad and I notice no one is around because no one wants to hang out with someone wallowing in their own poop, it smells bad and our conversation becomes tedious
Like Dean says, it's my choice, my decision whether to be happy or not, now for me, I can't just "will" myself happy, but I can take the necessary actions to ensure happiness is possible, the steps give me those tools, this forum is an alcoholics anonymous forum where we discuss the tools to address those things in order to live happy, joyous and free lives.
If I were still drinking my solution is a simpler one, I'd get drunk and sleep with someone, problem solved, I don't have the luxury of those crutches any more so need to take the actions necessary to address it in other ways, like the steps
AGO,
I never thought of it as self-centeredness or self-pity, but it certainly is...justification in my own head. This trip I haven't made it to step 4 yet. Amends hmmm...I have always had trouble with this one. Who do I make amends to? My kids, I suppose. The only way I can make amends to them is to work the program,stay sober,and by showing them.
J
That is absolutely right, we start making amends in those in our lives by staying sober, suiting up, showing up for life, we say what we mean and we mean what we say and we don't say it mean
don't worry about step 9 until you get there, like I said in my first post, that is why we do the previous steps previously
in step four we get a better idea of why we did things we did and get a better look at our part and patterns, in five we get to see the exact nature of our "wrongs", and we admit them to another human being (and God) so we aren't "carrying them around" any more, in steps 6 and 7 we see what defects caused these wrongs and behaviors and ask to have them removed, in 8 we make a list (we have from our fourth step) and we go over them with our sponsor to see how to approach each one, and to see which ones are still resentments and which so called "amends" are still self serving attempts at manipulations, and we change those, and in step nine we make those amends.
The amends process is a long one, it takes many of us months, and quite frankly one of the most misunderstood aspects of the entire program, people with no experience with the actual proces share how they say sorry differently, and this is why I say it has nothing to do with saying "sorry" or "I was wrong" it has to do with changing who you are entirely
until I saw my part and patterns (step 4), admitted my wrongs (step 5), saw the defect and asked to have it removed (6-7), and went over how and what were amends and how best to fix and make the approach with my sponsor (step 8) I had as much experience with amends as I had with giving birth to a child, and as somone who can write his name in the snow with no hands, that would be...none.
literally zero, talking about making amends without having done this process is like talking about landing a plane you don't know how to take off in or fly anyway.
so don't worry about making amends until you learn how, in my experience I just caused more confusion and hurt, and things didn't go my way anyway, so i just ended up pissed
just stay sober, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps, and everything else will work itself out much better then when we try to run our own lives, remember, in step one we admit our lives were unmanageable, so if our life is unmanageable, mainly because we aren't "management material" doesn't it seem a good idea to stop managing our lives until we get that sanity promised in step 2?
If you think you can manage your own life then why or how did you end up at an AA meeting? we don't fly in on the wings of victory here
-- Edited by AGO on Thursday 17th of June 2010 02:46:44 PM
__________________
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
