I'm a happy sober for 25 years woman who moved 3 years ago to a new hometown where I had heard that the women's fellowship was strong.  Until this move, I'd attended meetings in my hometown and surrounding area for 22 years and was in a routine with familiar faces and meeting friends.  I've heard it said that alcoholics, creatures of habit, move into a rut then furnish it, and there's no doubt I'd done that and was comfortable in my cozy sobriety groove.

When I announced myself as new to the meetings, though not a newcomer to the program at women's meetings in my new hometown, I was disappointed that the women didn't make much of a fuss, giving out their phone numbers and welcoming me.  I took notice of this reaction and chided myself for making a big deal out of wanting to be special and thought I should check in with my sponsor about my self-centered ego's reactivity. Consequently I spent some time asking my Higher Power to relieve me of the bondage of this tireless foe, my often too fragile ego.  I resolved to make a conscious effort to extend MYself to all the women at the next few meetings, instead of expecting things to be the other way around.  The result was rewarded by smiles and banter in the kitchen around the coffee pot and I began to feel that I had found my "place" in these new meetings. 

I did notice, however, that when I was absent for any reason, there were no phone calls to check on me, so again I checked my self-centeredness as the culprit and recognized that it was up to me to call others and let others know I wouldn't be coming because of this or that reason - in other words, be proactive instead of just waiting to be noticed like some old fashioned wallflower type at a dance.   I thought I was doing ok taking responsibility for my feelings and reactions and trying not to to take offense, but a part of me still didn't really feel fully accepted for some reason.  I wondered what that was all about, and again, put it down to old ideas about wanting to be noticed and treated in some special way, and just tried to let it go.    My sponsor agreed with me.

My schedule changed recently and I found it necessary to attend meetings at different times so I've not been back to the large meetings where I'd been working hard at being accepted by the women, trying to be a part of and not apart from everyone.  Not surprsingly, my absence didn't bring about a flurry of concerned phone calls, but eventually a single call did come, from a woman I've known for over 20 years in the program, asking after me, hoping things were well.  After I expressed gratitude for her caring call,  I decided to tell her honestly about my sense of disappointment and the vague feeling of being excluded at these women's meetings (2 of them) and to my relief she said she completely understood, as she had felt the same herself and knew of others who felt the same way.   At those particular meetings, we noted, there seemed to be several little cliques who sat together, went for coffee together, had lunches together and called on each other to share but often excluded others outside their cliques.  So instead of finding fault with these women for being in exclusive cliques I decided to contemplate what need is fulfilled by being part of a clique in the first place.

Obviously a sense of belonging is something every human being strongly desires and needs.  How often have we heard that newcomers come into AA and immediately feel at home.  I've had the sense of "finding my tribe" many times and that's part of the success of AA - we are a fellowship of people who would not otherwise mix.  But how this addresses the tendency of women in large groups to form exclusive cliques is not clearly answered.  I began to realize that part of the problem might arise when a group becomes so large that the individual need for personal connection can no longer be met except by a few who then form a smaller clique within the larger group, so that there IS a sense of personal connection.  All of this is very natural and understandable, but the problem arises when the clique becomes exclusive and others are left out.

Now, I can see where some of you reading this would simply imagine I am grousing over nothing much, that I should get over myself, that yes indeed I am suffering from wounded ego and am just jealous because I'm not part of the "popular crowd".  To which I reply, yes, of course you could be right about any of that, but I add a reminder that AA is a spiritual program and not high school and the idea of there being a popular crowd is an old idea and I believe it is dangerous.

Fortunately, being sober these many years now,  I am not deeply wounded but I simply notice this tendency among some women in larger groups  and I'm genuinely concerned that the attitude of exclusivity is a serious problem.  Embracing only those who dress, appear and sound "just like us" is not working a spiritual program.  In a spiritual program, all are equal, because spirit has no color, class, race, religion, it simply is pure acceptance, tolerance and loving kindness. So,  I negotiated a space in a local church, and mentioned the idea of starting a new group to women who were not members of any cliques, as far as I could tell and there is now a new women's group in my hometown.   The meeting is 3 months old, is on steady ground with regular attendees and up to this point is not so large that intimate connection with visitors or new members is impossible.  Cliques have not been necessary, so far, but they could still happen.  I hope not but I'm not the boss of the meeting, our loving Group Conscience guided by a Higher Power is.  And I'm grateful for that.

This is written simply as a reminder that we must be inclusive of all at every level within our meetings. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.  AA is not a social club, high school or religion, with the attendant problems of hierarchy, membership rules and dogma.    It is a spiritual fellowship in which, if we are lucky, we enjoy the companionship of many others in a spirit of true equality for all.  I have seen wonderful examples of kindness, patience, tolerance between members who "would not normally mix" and as a society, AA as a whole is second to none.  I'd love to see this carried over into some of the larger groups of women's meetings too, where gossip, cattyness and superficial comparisons can sometimes obscure the beauty of our beloved spiritual program.

I readily confess that in my earlier years of sobriety I've indulged in my share of gossip and enjoyed the false intimacy to be found in cliques until eventually I had a moment of clarity and caught myself.  I thank my Higher Power and sponsor for guiding me through yet another layer of rigorous honesty so that I continue to live as God intends for us to be, happy, joyous and free.

May we maintain our conscious contact with a Higher Power that our awareness continues to become clearer, that our guidance becomes stronger, that our love of our fellows be sincere and beyond self-seeking motives.  Thus we bring our best selves into the world making it a better place for all.