I read a share in an old AA magazine. I thought that maybe there was no-one else in the same position I'm in who would be willing to share it, until I read this share. Part of it mirrored exactly my experience.
the sharer finished by saying to the effect that once amends have been made as best as possible, then the ongoing amends is to stay out of someones life. It's sad and it hurts at times, but it's the right thing to do.
I needed to read that. I'm staying out of someone's life, at their request, and it hurts and it's sad, but it is the right thing to do. I don't love them any the less. I also won't forget the harms I did, but neither will I kick myself around the world for it, I did these hurts when I was a sick man and know I won't repeat these behaviours while ever I stay well. I must live with the consequences of my old behaviours and old actions, but I don't have to be crucified by them. I learn from them.
The other party won't forgive but wants to forget. I want to forgive but not forget.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I found making amends to some people is like that. I learned to let go and let God. After many years of being on my recovery program and working with others, I was able to receive forgiveness for all my wrongs. I have a wonderful relationship with all my family and colleagues. Many seek my counsel on many of the issues that they themselves are experiencing and I get an opportunity to tell them about God's great love for us. Thanks for that share ,Bill.
Great share, Bill, thanks. Incredible wisdom. It's about us being willing to do what I can do to make amends, cleaning my side of the street, rather than making things better so that I can get something out of a renewed relationship.
I have asked for someone to stay out of mine. It was my ex I made amends with some time ago. All was fine. He accepted them & was working through his program in NA to reach the point where he could make his to me as was his wish. There came a day though where I asked him for a book back that he'd borrowed from one of my previous exes. This was a trigger for him & taking my inventory he hurled abuse & resentment towards me about this person who I'd been 'reaquainted' with after we'd broken up.
Never mind that he was quick to jump into bed with others after we broke up but I didn't bother to remind him that. I told him I meant my amends & I stood by them, that I was sorry that I'd upset him as it wasn't my intention but that given his attitude I didn't think it wise for us to stay in touch. I told him his amends to me would be to stay out of my life.
(I'd had enough of his mood changes & attacks) He replied & said he would respect my wishes & parted with another taking of my inventory & questioning the quality of my amends. I didn't bother to respond though I was fuming inside 'cheeky twat' I thought lol This was all done by email & I wished I'd not read his last reply so it was my own fault I allowed him to get the 'last word' in but it didn't matter because I kept true to my word & haven't contacted him since & he's stayed away too.
It does bother me sometimes because I know that telling him to stay away from me was of a punishing nature from me & doesn't entirely sit well in regards to having no living resentment going on in my life but the fact is that it is better that he stay away from me because now I can consider him a sick ex who there's absolutely no point being friends with. I've changed & I'm not the person he used to know so he's a part of my life I feel I deserve to move on from rather than have someone who thinks they can just dredge up shite from the past that I've already put to rest.
Rejecting him is me keeping myself safe & out of harm's way. Even if he has changed & is sorry today I don't care. I don't think of either of us as being any worse than the other. He was cruel & abusive in so many ways & I was ignorant & inconsiderate so if you looked at it from either point of view you could see it was bad for any person on the receiving end of the other.
I am grateful that as painful as it was that relationship was so destructive that it brought me to my bottom sooner rather than later. Thank God lol If I knew for sure that he would never be so disrespectful again I would probably have him without the ban but as it is I'm deeply happy in my relationship with Carl so why would I allow to have such an ex lurking around in the background thinking there was anything cool & special between us despite all the shit that happened. I'll rather have that person out of my life & me continue to live in peace with the man in my life who knows how to treat a lady who is also acting like one today. So for Carl too this person is out of my life.
That all said I also have an ex who I'm absolutely terrified of making amends with because I think that person would be quite happy never to see me again. I suspect I'm of zero significance in his life. Time & my Higher Power will tell if amends work out in that department. What I mean by that is that I would be able to say my piece, mean it & walk away too. I may not get the chance or I could be completely humiliated & rejected but either way this is my own cross I'm also willing to bear.
There is a grace in all of these 'imperfections', I am convinced that God knows in His infinite wisdom as to what it all means even if I may not know! Thank you all for being willing to walk in this difficult path where we're learning how to live with ourselves & others. Thank you for the thread, Bill. Brought up a lot of stuff for me! More will be revealed, aye :) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Remember making amends is more for you then the other person. Many people will tell you to take a flying leap but you can take solice in knowing you did your part. I had a situation like this with my older sister. I made my amends to her and she said she wanted nothing to do with me and I accepted it. After all why should she believe me this time, I had lied to her so many times before. Many years latter we were together at a family event and she got a chance to see that I had truly changed. Now we are as close as we were when we were kids. Amends are more about showing someone you have changed then just telling them.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
Hopefully, reading this, people will write something for publication in our AA Magazines? We call our SHARE magazine 'The meeting between meetings' and I always read something helpful in mine each month, and I have sent in many a contribution over the years.
GO ON, send yours in TODAY.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
