How do you deal with this one?

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

How do you deal with this one?

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

My son and daughter (19 and 24 years old respectively) still want nothing to do with me. I don't know how, but I've adapted and accepted this as how it is today.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

'Teach a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not turn from it" Spiritual reading for me had kept me hopeful as I could only instill what I did early on with my first older children (even though it was in the devastaion of active addiction)and hope that I may have done something to instill Godliness early in their lives during times of clarity.Even though I am sick I still always loved God ,I just took the wrong fork in the road,have an illness that only a spiritual nature could arrest and I wasnt ready for years.. . After 31 years both of my mid 40 year old children are back in my life with their children and even my grandchildrens children(great gramps I am only by Gods grace)My first wife had my childrens last name changed so it would be easier for them at school not having my wifes 2nd husbands name and children with fathers name.Yes I was crushed,but both kids said"dad we know you are our father that will never change.My daughter is married and my son and his children are changing their names back,Was it an ego thing for me ,only God knows.I also felt as if I lost my children(funny that through 25 years of addiction I did lose them!!!)As long as I trust in His plan,get way back out the way,all is well .Joni ,kids will search out significant others in their lives,if you taught them well they will search you out hopefully in some way. In the circumstance with mental illness that may add another scenario,but with God 'ALL THINGS ARE POSIBLE'You have to just remember we did what we did ,sometimes the circumstances are out of our control,but there is always an "ultimate plan" I firmly believe that.When you see him tell him you love him and will hold him in your heart no matter what.I'll pray for your peace and strength in this trying time...It definetly hurts,but no matter what we just can't pick up over it.Stay strong....peace smile

gonee · MIP Old Timer

Hi Joni,
Be grateful for the 8 weeks in summer and make the most of it. Kids never forget those that truly love them, but more than that God knows your heart, which you have just displayed to us by your loving concern for him. Thats all that matters. We cannot change others, but we can most certainly let God know how we feel. Talk to Him and you will realise the wonderful mercy and grace He gives us especially when we are weak and hurting.
God bless you and I will keep you in my prayer.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Oh Joni,

I have dealt with this twice and both times it hurt... a lot. Through two marriages I have helped raise six children... step-children. Four of these kids called me "dad"... but once the divorce papers came out... they left and I became "only a step-dad."

It hurts because to me, they never were, nor will they ever be "only step-children." I don't know if I will ever get over the lose of these kids... the youngest one is 19 and she does call me once in a blue moon and may even stop by to see me.

But she is in the awkward position that if she sees me, then she is being unfaithful to her mom. So, I don't add any fuel to the fire and just enjoy the time I get with her.

What the future holds with any of them? I really don't know... but I do know if I stay sober then I do have a chance at a future...

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

My good friend recently was in the same situation. I reminded him that his clear statement of his love and support will always remain in both his heart and that of his ex's child. No matter if their lives diverge. It's sad but the love is real and will remain. Pain is a part of life. Easier said than lived. Heart-Angela

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Awww, Im so sorry you are going thru this right now. You are hurting.

Try to be thankful for the time(s) you have had with your stepson. And hey ... dont give up just cuz there will be another woman figure in his life now.

Pray and ask for Gods guidance as to how you can better accept the situation as it is.
The Serenity Prayer when looked at closely is great comfort in any circumstance.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

I think that this will resolve itself with time for both you and Bikerbill. In your case JJ, those kids know love when they are in its presence and after some maturing, they will seek you out. In Bikerbills case, as the kids see the honest change that sobriety has brought, they will forget the past. I split from my own alcoholic parents when I was 15 (of course, I was a drunk as well by then) and I swore I would never have anything to do with them. When they entered AA I scoffed. Years later, they brought me into AA. Prayers to all that are in some form of this agony. This too shall pass.

-- Edited by turninggrey on Monday 31st of May 2010 08:46:35 AM

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

thanks to everyone.

"It's sad but the love is real and will remain. Pain is a part of life. Easier said than lived. Heart-Angela"

-that is true on ALL fronts where love is concerned.

My AA friend said to me, "The relationship will not die, it will just change".... that made sense to me. Still hurts though.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

We do not wish to forget the past nor to shut the door on it. You've been through things like this already Joni and dealt with them. From what I know of you, you've actually dealt with much harsher losses. The gifts you have to give others in recovery are really greater than what you have to give your ex's child. It wasn't your job to ever fix your husband's F--k ups anyhow. Sadly he has to do it (or not do it and keep trying to find an obedient little wifey to do it) and hopefully his kids will grow up as healthy as can be.

P.S. - not calling the kid a F--k up...just Dad...and thankfully you aren't part of that mess any more. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it (regarding his innocent son's problems.)

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 31st of May 2010 09:02:44 PM

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Mark, you are sooooooo right. Although I have absolutely had to look at my part in all this (i.e. getting married for the wrong motives in the first place, and then later going AGAINST my own values and wellbeing by putting up with habitual cheating, etc...) I also have to, now, look at the Mess and be ready to walk away from it, and, on an all-too obvious level, my role in the kids' lives.

I need to move on. But it takes time, I know. And trying to fil the void with other things does not help, either, I have found that out.

So I drop the self-pity and the anger tonight, and thank my HP for making me the better person I am today, at least better than a week ago or a month ago, with a few more Steps as a part of my life, and for the knowledge that it DOES get much much better. You all have mirrored that to me, that it DOES get better, and that's why I believe it and keep coming back.

I get the priviledge of crawling into bed tonight with the 2 greatest young ladies on the planet.... my kitty and my doggy. For as long as they are on the planet, these furry daughters give me nothing but peace, comfort, humor and true LOVE. They are my children for as long as I am to be blessed to have them. And human can take them away, they will hopefully grow old with me, as God sees fit.
Bless.....

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Pray for him, turn him over to HP, and move on. Sometimes we're just looking for something to be sad about, when sadness should be treated like anger, and left for people more equipped to deal with it. I just don't do sad anymore, I just say "It is what it is" and move on. My son has chosen not to return my phone calls or emails, probably because he's not feeling too good about dropping out of college. Hey, that falls under "the things that I cannot change". I have my own life and I need to focus on it, and he'll need to do the same.