AA book. Pg 47. "As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way." When I first came to the reality of this statement in the AA book, I was amazed at how little was asked of me as an alcoholic. At the time I could not do more than this, and yet the assurance is given that I am on my way to recovery. The entry level is very easy. Every where else that I went to, I found that I could not fit in. I still cannot fit in. We alcoholics have found God in the most basic of ways. From being UNWILLING to admit that I was a real alcoholic, to becoming willing to believe in a power greater than myself, I was able to go from hopelessness to hope and begin a journey to recovery. AA makes the fundamentals of spirituality so easy to understand and apply. Its my intellect that thinks it out of existence, by stupid theological arguments which I dont have the capacity to grasp anyway. AA does not ask me to admit I an alcoholic, nor does it ask for any strength on my part to keep sober. It simply asks for WILLINGNESS. Its a great chasm for a proud egotist like me with a pickled brain, full of resentment and anger, but if I take this step the book promises me that I am on my way to recovery.
Personally I had to be beaten into willingness, I had to be beaten into submission, I was only willing when all my score cards read zero
Defiance is the outstanding characteristic of the alcoholic, they talk about "raising the bottom" that has never been true in my case
-It- (alcohol-self-selfishness-self centeredness) finally beat us into a state of reasonableness. Sometimes this was a tedious process; we hope no one else will prejudiced for as long as some of us were
I'll take tedious process for 500 Alex, since I suffer from an inability to learn from the experience of others, and frequently suffer from an inability to learn from my own.
Someday maybe that will change, but I don't just have to touch the hot stove, I have to sleep with it and take it home, if I don't burn myself and keep riding that bad boy until the wheels fall off, I don't believe it, because the rules don't apply to me.
Thankfully after 20 years as far as I can tell, I have gotten most of the really stupid stuff out of the way, my path is getting narrower through no fault of my own, I am learning, not because of my attributes, but because of my defects and stupidity, and the pain they bring.
I love meetings where the topic is humility, honesty, open mindedness, and willingness and listening to people share about them and claim that these qualities were anything but beaten into them, yeah we seek them after we have to or die, but it is not because we are naturally honest, humble, had internal integrity etc, we sought them because it was that or die, inside and out.
-- Edited by AGO on Saturday 29th of May 2010 05:43:17 PM
-- Edited by AGO on Saturday 29th of May 2010 05:50:20 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hi, AGO told on me. Even after a bit of time in recovery I may find myself "beaten into a state of reasonableness" Oh Well,,,,,, I ain't complaining. Makes my recovery a adventure.
gonee: "Its my intellect that thinks it out of existence, by stupid theological arguments which I dont have the capacity to grasp anyway."-----------
This hits home for me, gonee.
The longer I am in recovery and seeking sobriety (not just abstinence, which is impossible for me to maintain anyway), the LESS I am able to define this God of my understanding. The only way I can describe my Higher Power is to describe the evidence of one in my life, by my recovery itself. And lately, that is good enough for me, and probably the most accurate!
"I don't know ABOUT a HP, all I DO know is that there is one, and I'm not it, and he/she/it is making my life better."
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Gonee and AGO "spot on" it took 25 years to have willingness become, as small as it is, a piece of my life. i am married to a normie and he still tries to "get me" and cannot believe the shit i put 'him' through... he still thinks i could have stopped drinking if i wanted to. well...... AA is what it took ... he still watches me like a hawk because i have done so many things that he cannot understand. he does not get AA, either. he thinks i am being brainwashed, but he sees the many improvements over the past year and a half. when i tell him i need a meeting he sort of gets it... thank God i have this website. i can log on and read messages like this anytime of the day or night. jj
-- Edited by jj on Sunday 30th of May 2010 10:04:54 AM
I became willing only when I ran totally out of options. I was always trying a new method to control myself which would always fail. I was down to what I considered was my final trump card. Suicide! But I had a problem with that alcohol had given me the desire to end it all but had not given me the courage. A terrible state of mind to be in. So I started planning a way that I could not back out of and as I was in Hawaii at the time settled on swimming to sea beyond the point of being able to return.
At this point my HP whom I choose to call God intervened in the form of my wife who gave me an ultimatum that I go to AA or she was leaving. Having been divorced twice at that point the leaving part did not bother my sick mind as much as the financial consequences of another divorce did. So I decided to attend some meetings with the plan to get her off my back calm things down until I could return to my normal drinking ways.
That first meeting puzzled me because I saw people who said they were alcoholics but were obviously happy and enjoying life, something I was not. I also identified with thier stories. As a matter of fact I was angry because I thought my wife had been telling them what I had been doing. In my mind that was the only way they could have known my actions and thinking. (LOL)
They said keep coming back and they gave me a meeting list. I decided to put ending my life on a temporary hold, just temporary, until I found out what this AA was really all about. I went to some meetings on the far side of Oahu in confidence that my wife had not been there to say what I had been doing and I heard the same stories.
I have been attending ever since, got a good sponsor and worked the steps, All of the steps. Now I am one of those people that "Puzzle newcomers because I am happy and I enjoy life"
Larry, ------------------------ Just when you think you've hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel
-- Edited by Larry_H on Sunday 30th of May 2010 10:35:13 AM
