AA book. Pg 30. "Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics." I dont know why, but I was not willing to admit I was a "real" alcoholic. On my 1st entry to AA, I admitted I was an alcoholic but I did not know what a real alcoholic was. On my re-entry to AA after a little more humiliation and pain I got the AA book and begin to read about what a real alcoholic meant. Without knowledge of my condition the best I could do was utter with my mouth that I was an alcoholic. And so I did, but I was not convinced totally. I dare not mention to anybody that I was having doubts. Many times I was tempted to go back and experiment, but despite how I felt my Higher Power was already guiding me and did not allow me to yield to temptation, until I got a full knowledgde of my condition. The defense against the 1st drink was there, although I had not fully conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. But my reprieve was running out. I proceeded to educate myself about this disease of alcoholism. I began to study the AA book with a thirst and hunger, until I was completely and utterly convinced that I was a real alcoholic and the condition is IRREVERSIBLE. And that only a spiritual experience can conquer. Thats been my experience. I hope it helps you to understand better.
I admitted I was an alcoholic, no problem. That was merely lip service. I did not realize the depth and importance of really understanding my own alcoholism.
Not until I woke up from my last drunk and knew at that point that if I didnt quit drinking I was going to die. Then I knew and could admit that I was an alcoholic by not only speaking the words, but feeling it in my whole body.
I am still newly sober -- 6 weeks-- and at my meetings I just cannot say that I am an "alcoholic" I just really dislike that word...I always say "I am powerless over alcohol"...I am not in denial that I have a serious problem with alcohol and have to completely avoid it, for in my mind it means the same thing as "alcoholic". I am powerless over this drug, but for whatever reason I dislike being labeled as such...
I wonder if I will ever call myself an alcoholic. As long as I keep attending my meetings and keep trying to work the program as best as I can, I know I will be ok.
I am still newly sober -- 6 weeks-- and at my meetings I just cannot say that I am an "alcoholic" I just really dislike that word...I always say "I am powerless over alcohol"...I am not in denial that I have a serious problem with alcohol and have to completely avoid it, for in my mind it means the same thing as "alcoholic". I am powerless over this drug, but for whatever reason I dislike being labeled as such...
I wonder if I will ever call myself an alcoholic. As long as I keep attending my meetings and keep trying to work the program as best as I can, I know I will be ok.
Thats fine. Nowhere in the AA book does it ask you say that you should call yourself an alcoholic. You are absolutely correct in saying that you are powerless. The 1st step in recovery begins with "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol........" Sufficient to make a start. Welcome to AA and wish you well on your journey to recovery.
gonee, thank you for the description of how you REALLY came to Step 1 in your recovery. I can relate to what you said about "uttering the words I'm an alcoholic", but if we don't truly believe that our life is unmanagable and that alcoholism in irreversible, we have not done Step 1.
Irreversible to me means that not only is it true that when I drink I will not stop and I will cause more havoc, but that the THOUGHT of drinking and the obsessioin with it if I do drink, is also irreversible. This is important for me, because my THINKING will never change so long as alcohol is present. And some part of my thinking ABOUT alcohol at times will never change, it will only lessen in frequency, as my spiritual walk grows and flourishes.
I am glad you started this conversation this morning. It is at the crux of our recovery. If we believe somewhere inside that we MIGHT be able to drink safely one day (as I have in past attempts at recovery), then we have not fully accepted that our life is unmanagable. This is how I see it.
And the studying part- yes, I hear all the time "Don't Think". But I DO have to learn and think about what my disease really is, and what it means for my life, or I will drink again. I'd rather the slogan was, "Don't Rationalize a Drink." It makes more sense to me.
Thanks again for the post, and have a blessed sober weekend.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I am still newly sober -- 6 weeks-- and at my meetings I just cannot say that I am an "alcoholic" I just really dislike that word...I always say "I am powerless over alcohol"...I am not in denial that I have a serious problem with alcohol and have to completely avoid it, for in my mind it means the same thing as "alcoholic". I am powerless over this drug, but for whatever reason I dislike being labeled as such...
I wonder if I will ever call myself an alcoholic. As long as I keep attending my meetings and keep trying to work the program as best as I can, I know I will be ok.
Hey Gonee, great post! Give me strength, its funny you bring up the "I can't call myself an alcoholic" topic. The AA program is a system you melt into. You start with one set of convictions and with time, you see different solutions. I will tell you that for me, the moment I became proud of being a "Reforming Alcoholic" was a hugh turning point in my life. I did not boast about my situation, but when pressured to drink or when I was being pushed into situations where I may be tempted to drink, I just flat out told my buddies that the reason I would not be pushed was because I was a "Reforming Alcoholic" and I was defiant on that point and proud of that claim. I have made this point a lot of times on this board, and I think it goes unnoticed, but having success with this program is something you can be proud of. I know we need humility, but we should not reject what we accomplish when we remain sober. Bikerbill had an excellent post about how his life has changed with sobriety and how sobriety puts a successful, productive life in our grasp which includes the modicum of happiness that comes with the confidence or pride we have in our achievement. Just consider that in the future you may take the banner of "Alcoholic" with pride when the program changes your life and you think of yourself as a "Reforming Alcoholic" 24 hours a day each day. (I guess I also need to acknowledge that most of the credit goes to our HP, because really, we are powerless over alcohol.)
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
The newly sober has no idea how many forces are working against them (staying sober). Without an education their chances are slim. For me it was very helpful to ready "Staying sober" by Terrance Gorski, also known as "A guide to relapse prevention". It was enlightening to read about post acute withdrawal. I started to realize that the force, within me, to continue drinking, was 10 times stronger than my weak will. After 2 years of failure of going to a few meetings a week and doing less than half of the suggestions, I became willing to expend all my free time and energy toward staying sober and working a complete program.
I am still newly sober -- 6 weeks-- and at my meetings I just cannot say that I am an "alcoholic" I just really dislike that word...I always say "I am powerless over alcohol"...I am not in denial that I have a serious problem with alcohol and have to completely avoid it, for in my mind it means the same thing as "alcoholic". I am powerless over this drug, but for whatever reason I dislike being labeled as such...
I wonder if I will ever call myself an alcoholic. As long as I keep attending my meetings and keep trying to work the program as best as I can, I know I will be ok.
Hey Gonee, great post! Give me strength, its funny you bring up the "I can't call myself an alcoholic" topic. The AA program is a system you melt into. You start with one set of convictions and with time, you see different solutions. I will tell you that for me, the moment I became proud of being a "Reforming Alcoholic" was a hugh turning point in my life. I did not boast about my situation, but when pressured to drink or when I was being pushed into situations where I may be tempted to drink, I just flat out told my buddies that the reason I would not be pushed was because I was a "Reforming Alcoholic" and I was defiant on that point and proud of that claim. I have made this point a lot of times on this board, and I think it goes unnoticed, but having success with this program is something you can be proud of. I know we need humility, but we should not reject what we accomplish when we remain sober. Bikerbill had an excellent post about how his life has changed with sobriety and how sobriety puts a successful, productive life in our grasp which includes the modicum of happiness that comes with the confidence or pride we have in our achievement. Just consider that in the future you may take the banner of "Alcoholic" with pride when the program changes your life and you think of yourself as a "Reforming Alcoholic" 24 hours a day each day. (I guess I also need to acknowledge that most of the credit goes to our HP, because really, we are powerless over alcohol.)
Great posts. I was happy when I came into AA for real to say "I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic", but deep down, I didn't believe it. In my case, my pride was so ovewhelming that I couldn't admit to myself that I was an alkie. Alkies were bad people, I thought, I'm not bad, therefore I'm not an alkie.
As far as I was concerned at that point in time, saying that I was an alkie but not believe it was fine for meetings -- it meant that they didn't ask me to leave, since they were all closed meetings (rigorous honesty hadn't quite entered my life at that stage, shall we say).
But, in terms of working the steps for real, that posed a bit of a problem. I knew that for the steps to work, I couldn't lie to myself. Unlike you, I couldn't even admit myself that I was powerless over alcohol.
I tried all of the tricks that I'd been told to get that admission and believe it (e.g. can you guarantee your behavior when you've had the first sip? no? you're powerless, etc.).
Then one day, I became willing to admit to myself that I could NEVER EVER have only one drink and that my life was out of control as a result. I simply couldn't argue with that. I am not sure that in this life I have EVER only had one drink. I have always HAD to have another. That wasn't perjorative of self-flagellating, that was merely a cold, hard fact.
Having had that admission, I also admitted to myself that in spite of that reality, I kept drinking, even when I didn't want to and even though I had always wanted to have only one drink, but could never stop at the one.
Put into those terms, I was suddenly very willing to admit that I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable. It was kind of a light-bulb moment for Step 1.
It was also then that I started to identify as a real alcoholic. Now, with the benefit of the AA program, I'm gradually beginning to identify as a recovering alcoholic.
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Monday 31st of May 2010 04:45:47 PM
-- Edited by SteveP on Monday 31st of May 2010 04:47:34 PM
