My GOD, I just finished my 4th Step.It is the best thing I have done for myself to date. The BEST. I feel more love for myself and my fellow man, for God and for AA than I EVER HAVE. I have not even done my 5th yet, but will be doing that Thursday with my sponsor. I am looking forward to it. The release I feel now is incredible. Seeing my part and my fears, my unmet needs and where I chose to wrongly go after those, and seeing that my problems are solvable, internally, through the Steps and love of and for God and myself is making my life seem manageable. Because I DON'T HAVE TO MANAGE IT ANYMORE!!!! I see the mess- MY MESS, and I give it up. Those things that I thought protected me, or the things that I thought would meet my needs, neither protect me nor meet my needs. They are selfish. They only hurt me and others and cause trouble. They are killing me and making me sick, disgusted with myself, and unable to have solid loving and pure relationships with others in my life on ALL levels. I have gained a lot of understanding, a lot of forgiveness, a little humility so far, and a TON of INTEGRITY with myself. I am being honest with myself and God for the first time in many years. I am sick as hell and I am ready to let go of the shit that keeps me sick.
I discovered some defects of character so far (and will no doubt discover more, and in more detail on Thursday during Step 5 with my sponsor), but here is a general and non-descript list of my basic liabilities.
Character defects:
Fear (run amok!!!!!!!)
Pride
Jealousy
Expectations
Sloth
Lust
Selfishness
Inconsideration
Dishonesty
Neediness
Lack of Integrity What to do about them? First thing:DON'T F&**ING DRINK. NO MATTER WHAT. I can't imagine how I ever sought to relieve myself in that way. But I am an alcoholic. And that is what we do. And that is what I will continue to do unless I stay on course.If anyone wants to talk about character defects and the damage they cause, I am all ears. I want to see how it has impacted your life to start letting go of some bad coping mechanisms. Anyone interested in sharing?3am and eyes wide open...... lol
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
From a 45 year old article on Going Through the Steps is a listing of 20 character defects we should ask ourselves about as we take our inventory.
In Step 4 as we take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, we must find out what we've got, what we need to get rid of, and what we need to acquire. The "fearless" is not about how we feel, but about what we write, thoroughly, rigorously honest. There are 20 character defects to ask about -- the individual wrongs we have done are not necessary to go over, just the defects that caused them. The inventory is of our defects, not our incidents.
Going over the listing, we ask ourself have we honestly admitted our defects to ourself as we write out on paper how they have manifested in our lives and created the unmanageability we have known.
Having admitted these defects to ourselves, having thoroughly inventoried them and written out how they have manifested and controlled our actions and reactions in life, we have completed Step 4.
Are we now willing to share them with another and with God? We must ask ourself if we are willing to go to any length to get rid of these same defects that caused our life to be unmanageable. Do we want to get rid of them, even those that were "fun"? Perhaps you will have some hesitancy sharing all this with another. I did. Not to worry, you haven't done anything that each of us hasn't done in one fashion or another. And you will hear someone in meetings tell your story, maybe not all of it, but a great portion of it.
(The way it was put to me, "Until someone in AA knows everything you know about yourself, you are nowhere. The result is nil until you tell it all and let go absolutely." So then I asked "How will I know when it is right for me to DO the 5th Step?" and his answer was just as blunt, "When you have to make a conscious decision between DOING the 5th Step or going out and getting drunk, that's when!")
In Step 5, we bring these things we have written out to the light of day, from out of the Shadows of Our Mind, by admitting them to another person, and the God of our understanding.. Having told someone else ALL our life story, we have completed Step 5. (Another Not To Worry -- Even if something of importance has been left out or missed, I can guarantee you "MORE SHALL BE REVEALED")
How can we ask God to get rid of the THINGS we did in our past? WE CAN'T!! He cannot remove things that have already happened. We can ask to get rid of the defects, which caused us to act in the manner we did by taking Step 6. (Steps 8 and 9 handle the restitution for things past, as WE set them right.)
Step 6 is the step that separates the men from the boys. If we can honestly say we are ENTIRELY ready (not almost, not just about, not partially) to have God remove ALL (not some) of these defects, even the ones that were fun, remembering that in step 3 we turned our will and our life over to God's care with complete abandon, then we have completed Step 6.
Step 7 asks us to come up with something we don't have, never had, and are unlikely to come up with anytime soon. But Step 7 is the beginning of acquiring it ... True Humility ... With a simple prayer to our Higher Power, as we ask that ALL our character defects which stand in the way of our usefullness to Him and our fellows be removed, we have completed step 7.
Moving on with the steps is the way we heal, get healthy and learn about ourselves. therefor being able to share this experience with others along the way and quite possibly help another sick & suffering alcoholic.
Yep, Fear is the catalyst ... the biggie, the defect at the top of my list every single time. From the fear stems all those other character defects.
And ... its usually fear that I wont get something I think I deserve or fear that I will lose something I already possess.
Me, me, me. Its always been about me. So much different today tho. Cuz' now I work on changing me into the person I know God wants me to be.
WOW. The explanations the two of you have offered, and your ES&H is most helpful. I had done inventories before, and 5th Steps leaving nothing out so far as my "history of actions", but there is more work to be done, I see. I do see an amzingly deep thread of fear, selfishness, pride, and dishonesty running through all my history. But writing out the how and why of each defect of character I possess will indeed tie things all together, and thanks Dean.
ljc, I have heard at times what you said about fear always being tied to losing something we possess (or think we "possess"), or fearing we will not get something we want or need. In addition, my needs vs. wants are askew as an alcoholic.
I am absolutely ready to share ALL with my sponsor (as soon as my list of character defects assessment part is finished, as Dean suggested.) I have fortunately been in a deep sharing, "Step 5" with my sponsor in past years. I did work steps 4 and 5 to the best of my ability then, but was complacent with the rest. And in Steps 4 and 5, I did not, and was not able to, really see the damage of these defects the way I see it now. I know that they will not be simply swept away. But I sure am willing. It was the "willingness" that came upon me last night which seemed to free me of so much garbage inside. I am so grateful we have this program and for the work we MUST do. It is such a better way to live. Cleaning out our insides is just the most healing thing. And the courage to change our old ways through God's help and direction is simply the most wonderful thing to happen to a person.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Yay Joni, Freedom Rocks. I have been focused on character defects recently and there is so much freedom in seeing them, owning them, and letting them go (which of course doesn't mean that I won't have them any more). I've noticed that over the years I have the exact same defects I've always had. I think I always will. That sounds defeatist, but its not. In seeing them in my past, talking about them, seeing them WHILE I AM DOING THEM, and making amends when appropriate, they have less hold over me. They are less intense, less harmful to others, and generally don't own me.
Part of my meditations have been just sitting with them. Not judging them or hating myself or what I have done to others because of them. But becoming intimate with the knowledge that yes, I am fearful, or yes, I am greedy. Then when the fear, the greed, the self pity comes, I am fully aware and not trying to mask it. And somehow, my actions become less based on those things.
Thank you for reminding me of the power of the fourth step! Let us know hwo the 5th goes.
Thank you, Simple. You described how I felt last ngiht. I felt neutral of judgment, toward myself and others. While I don't like these defects, I can see why I have them. I can also see the trouble they cause, and how I can at least make attempts to avoid the trouble part, the "acting out" on them. I know this is a long process, lifelong as a matter of fact, and that I am still a baby. But I feel a little more informed now and that feels good.
(((hugs)))
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks Joni for sharing your experience with your 4th step. You give inspiration with your words so the newcomer (me again) will know the peace we will look forward to as we work the steps. Good luck with the 5th and God Bless!
That list of character defects that Dean posted: how did they get a hold of my Step 4 list? They're all there, my character defects. No wait, I'd have to add carelessness and impulsiveness to that lil' ol' list too. Phew. ;)
What a great post to come home to!! I have been out all day and came home to read your post Joni and all I can say is your HP is evident in you today girl.
Keep it up. Steps 4 and 5 were the beginning of a new and wonderful life for me and others who have shared with me. I am confident that it will be for my friend Joni as well.
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Larry, ---------------------- "I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry." - Unknown
Y'know... all that fretting and hem-hawing and procrsatinating we sometimes do (some of us??) regarding Steps 4 & 5 are so counterproductive (WHO.... us ALCOHOLICS???)
There is nothing to be afraid of (as usual).... it is very cleansing. I know I am on the right track because it did not give me when I tried it before, what it has given me now. I was not able to be fearless before, pointing to a probable issue in Step 3... willingness?... whatever. Today is different for me. And I know it is only just begun.
Sponsor is coming over tomorrow night for Step 5, right after work. (I am making us fresh bruschetta and lemon grilled Tilapia for dinner... don't you wish you were my sponsor? lol) I figure she will need the fuel from a good meal to get her through the evening... lol
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
What you wrote is very inspirational it makes me want to hurry up and get round to doing a second 4th step. (I know its over due). Its really great to read your post!
