I am in the middle of a horrible divorce.... he is not an alcoholic, but addicted to other things in life, not chemicals..... but just as spiritually sick as an addict in the throws of addiciton... I stayed with him, working a program myself, and watched him get sicker and sicker, and neglect our marriage. I put my hand out to help him earlier on when he made a HUGE mistake, and I got pulled in. I relapsed over it a couple of times. I CHOSE to pick up, you do not have to do the same. But don't believe for one minute that this disease isn't powerful enough to start bringing you down. Water seeks its own level. You said "partner"... you are not married? Then my advice would be, run as fast and as far as you can, until the partner starts getting serious about recovery, IF he or she ever does.

Just my advice, you can take it if you like it, or throw it in the garbage, or put in on a shelf.

With love in recovery,
Joni

This is my experience .....

My husband and I were drinking partners. I always drank more than him and got out of control, he never did. I got sober and he didnt. THAT pissed me off cuz I was so sure that he was an alcoholic too. Well, about 2 yrs into my sobriety I realized that he wasnt an alcoholic.

He would drink every now and then and it bothered me terribly. I thought how can he do this to me ? Was I ever wrong. He wasnt doing anything to me. He was drinking and that is his business. It had no effect whatsoever on me . Our own literature tells us that we can get sober regardless of our circumstances.

When I say he would drink every now and then, Id gues it was oh maybe twice a month for about a year, and when he did drink it was only a couple beers, but it still pissed me off.

I talked to my sponsor about it and she suggested Alanon. ( now I do have to mention that she also suggested Alanon cuz I have a Dad who drinks alot, a Mom addicted to painkiller for 35+ yrs. An older brother who is dry drunk/druggie. and a younger brother who is alcoholic. My son is a drunkie/junkie too ) so see .. I really needed Alanon.

I balked at having to work 2 programs . But my sponsor highly suggested I start and get better/healthy. Well, as usual, she was right. I love Alanon. Pretineer as much as I love AA.

I love my husband. I took vows in our marriage that said in sickness and in health , etc. etc.
yeah, it was tuff for those first couple years. He has no program and my sponsor kept pointing this out to me. Id have to honestly say that my sponsor saved my marriage cuz there were many times I wanted out. I was wrong, dead wrong !! I have a husband who loves me, treats me well, and is an all round very good person. He doesnt, nor never has layed a hand on me, has never talked badly to me, never run around on me.

My sponsor told me to continue to work on ME, and leave my husband be himself. I had to stop trying to change him. I had to love him no matter what. He is who he is and I didnt get sober to change him or anybody else for that matter.

It was tuff, but I prayed and asked for guidance from God, I prayed for patience and tolerance and it came ! I have those things for my husband today because I work the program of AA and Alanon. We have a very good relationship today.

When I changed the way I was looking at things ... the things I was looking at changed .
Hmmmm ... imagine that !

The program of AA has taught me many things, but the most important one is how to have relationships with ppl. Doesnt matter who those ppl are.

Nearly a year into recovery now and just beginning to enjoy life without alcohol.  It has been sobering to say the least to truly realize what life might be tied with sacred vows to a man who comes from a long family history of drug and alcohol use and drinks daily himself.  So far I have not let his choices affect my recovery.  He supportive only so long as none of the no drinking does not effect his drinking.  For all the repetition of the serenity prayer, it's easier said than lived.  I sympathize heartily. 
Dean-duly noted the one year issue and relationships. 
Also, this seems such an Alanon issue.  My sponsor originally suggested waiting a good while before attempting another twelve step program but I may need to revisit that idea.  Thank you for the topic.

When I married my late husband, I told God up front that I couldn't promise to stay married till death do us part if he relapsed with drugs or alcohol. My sobriety had to come first and that I had proven to myself that no matter how much I loved someone else, I didn't stay sober if my partner wasn't doing that, too. I told my fiance (at the time) the same thing. I stuck to my AA program and I stayed out of his. I loved him for the many wonderful things he was and left his AA program to him and his Higher Power.

Well, to make a long story short, there were times when he did relapse after awhile. And in the end, when I finally couldn't do it anymore and told him he'd have to leave, he OD'd on heroin, evidently on purpose. That had always been his primary drug of choice but he had never used that till right at the end.

We lived together, worked together at a couple businesses we started---we were never apart and if soulmates really exist, he was mine for 15 years. But if my sobriety had ever been at stake, I'd have ended it. My Higher Power got me to the "till death do us part" for once in my life and I'm very grateful for that. At the very last there, though, I just couldn't keep going because we had two grandkids to raise and it was getting very difficult. I could tell I wasn't doing very well, not with sobriety but with my health. It was just time that we couldn't continue on.

Sobriety absolutely has to be put first. Never mind what someone else can do and still stay sober. If I can't do it, I can't do it, and I have to be willing to put sobriety first no matter what. It's not easy, but it has to become the first priority in my life. I didn't make it till the end of his life for that 15 years on my own power. My Higher Power got me there and He got me there sober but I had had to put sobriety first. I couldn't come to the spot where I was praying, "I can't make it any longer sober, God, so please do that for me" and expect God to do that. All I could do was keep working my program for me and not so I could hang in there till he got sober so I could help and inspire him to get sober so I'd have what I wanted---a sober and blissful long marriage.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself right, but what I'm trying to share is that our focus has to remain on ourselves, our Higher Power and our own sobriety. And for no other reason than that we want to stay sober. Period.