Hi,  I have been in recovery for twenty years.  Most of the twenty years have been sober, but in the last 4 and a half years I have had 5 relapses.  The relapses are short lived, a couple of days, but they have been killer relapses and I know it is a miricle I am still alive.  As soon as I relapse I get right back into the rooms, get a sponsor and get to work on the steps.  Things go well and I get back to my job. 

I started working at my last job 3 years ago and relapsed 5 times while working for this company.  Three of the relapses my employer was unaware of because they were on my days off etc...  But two of them where at work.  The first one, my employer was very understanding....they sent me to rehab and when I got back to work they knew that I needed the meetings etc.... I spoke with the owner and we agreed that I would work only 40 hours per week.  

After a while I found it got tougher and tougher to stick to that 40 hours and before I knew it the hours were longer and longer.  My sponsor and friends were giving me a hard time, sugesting I should quit my job.  My sister and I share an apartment and my sister was having some financial problems.  If I quit we would have to move.  My sister begged me to stick it out a while longer.  Between the stress of the long hours and financial obligations I was becoming more and more removed from my  higher power.  I could feel it happening all around me but felt helpless.  In early March I had a family emergency and I had to fly back east.  I didn't have the money.  I was depressed and desperate so I stole the money from work.  I told myself that I would put the money back, but I knew I would never be able to afford to repay the money.  I reasoned with myself that they owed me the money for all the hours that I was putting in, all the responsibilities I was taking on etc.....  As soon as I returned I relapsed.  It lasted 2 days and I was right back to work and I was back to meetings but the fact that I had stolen money from my employer would not leave me alone.  In April I had the worst relapse of my life which put me in the hospital and then into rehab.

That is the thing with AA, we learn that true serenity and peace come from honesty, patience, caring about others, trust, faith etc...  Once you experience real serenity it is just like the alcohol, you can't live without it.  The reason for my 1st big relapse became very clear to me while working with a counselor.  I had a huge resentment towards a co-worker.  I let it eat me alive.  My second big relapse stemmed from the fact that I stole money.  I couldn't live with myself. 

I just got out of rehab a few days ago and I am going to meetings.  I am looking for a sponsor in my area.  In a way I am releaved because I don't have my job anymore.  I hope that I have finally learned my leason, that nothing comes before God and my recovery.  I am having problems forgiving myself for stealing and once again hurting my family and owning up to the fact that my relapses are my own fault.  I can't blame the job, my sister or anyone/anything else.  I am praying and meditating and trying to have faith, but my higher power is not making it easy on me.  I have been in a difficult situation since I got out of rehab and fiancially I am much worse off than I had been.  But I am sober, I have God in my life, I still have a roof over my head, and food to eat.  That is all I need, just for today.