Sorry i had to edit this. scared someone from work would recognise me lol. had a bomb scare outside work today and it scared the crap out of me. I know now PTSD is still there. I flipped out almost. Others not scared. me really scared.
Wierd thing wierded me out cause ive been having worried thoughts that a bomb would go off outside this work. (not had those particualr thoughts before though i am always scared about something or otehr bad happening) but i was thinkinging what 2 hours before teh scare happened, that a bomb would go off. And then the scare happened and i felt i was in the damn twilight zone and i was so freaked out. PTSD symptoms. others there not scared. me very scared. I hate how i reacted scared. I was freaked out.
shook me up a lot. had to walk past pubs on way home and the thought did cross my mind. I rang sponsor she not in. rang 2 other people one in AA asked for help. they helped lsiten. felt better.
Now feel like crap again. the shame of being so scared and out of control at work is horrible. keep telling myself its not my business what others think of me. But it was scary, a scary situation. And also my reaction scared me.
Anyways not drunk on it. will talk and bore people about it. I feel shame about my reaction i really freaked out. and i had to get out of the place. but its not my fault i cannot help that reaction i had no freaking control over it. I feel like crap and jumpy and scared and angry and all over the place.
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 05:23:33 PM
I will be gentle with myself, if a friend had my stuff going on i wouldnt judge them like i am judging myself.
(((((Slugcat)))))) There you have it. be gentle on yourself. It was a horrible thing to happen - horrible. ...the scare...the noise of the police.......And I think we all have different triggers for things that can cause severe anxiety.
There was an earthquake once when I was at work. I was in the building on the fifth floor and was petrified. alot of others seemed to think it was a joke. I HAD to get out of there. I was terrified. I had been in an earthquake before but not 'trapped' (as I saw it ) on the fifth floor. I did go back in but later that day had to leave work as I was so shaken up - felt so so sick.
The next day, nobody belittled me. I was frightened when I went back. Frightened of looking stupid. I had no need to be. It was OK.....you will be OK! (Take me with you to work tomorrow in spirit!!!)
Re. thinking about a bomb scare and then it happening....yes those kind of thoughts (and then happenings) have happened to me and I started to get really unnerved. A friend pointed out to me that since I worry about allsorts of things happening .....constantly!!! - some things just will touch my life as they do everybody elses! I am not immune! ...
Yes! be gentle and compassionate with yourself! (That's an order! oops! not allowed to give orders in AA!!!!)
Sorry i had to edit this. scared someone from work would recognise me lol. had a bomb scare outside work today and it scared the crap out of me. I know now PTSD is still there. I flipped out almost. Others not scared. me really scared.
Wierd thing wierded me out cause ive been having worried thoughts that a bomb would go off outside this work. (not had those particualr thoughts before though i am always scared about something or otehr bad happening) but i was thinkinging what 2 hours before teh scare happened, that a bomb would go off. And then the scare happened and i felt i was in the damn twilight zone and i was so freaked out. PTSD symptoms. others there not scared. me very scared. I hate how i reacted scared. I was freaked out.
shook me up a lot. had to walk past pubs on way home and the thought did cross my mind. I rang sponsor she not in. rang 2 other people one in AA asked for help. they helped lsiten. felt better.
Now feel like crap again. the shame of being so scared and out of control at work is horrible. keep telling myself its not my business what others think of me. But it was scary, a scary situation that scared the crap out of me. And also my reaction scared me. Anyways not drunk on it. will talk and bore people about it. I feel shame about my reaction i really freaked out. and i had to get out of the place. but its not my fault i cannot help that reaction i had no freaking control over it. I feel like crap and jumpy and scared and angry and all over the place.
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 05:16:23 PM
If I went through something like that I would drink. My mind would tell me, if this is what this world is coming to, then I should get buzzed. I might not have long to live, so I might as well enjoy life, before I die. That is what my head would tell me. I feel bad this happened to you. My mind might also say..Since you been through something so awful that I deserve a drink. I think drinking takes away all my problems, then I do not have to feel scared, lonley, or bored.
Sorry, this happen to you. I hope things get better. hugs!
Slugcat, don't EVER questionm yourself when it comes to getting to a safe place when you feel threatened. Especially when obviously the police and fire department were feeling threatened! I suffer from PTSD, diagnosed and treated for years now, and I still have times that are very difficult for me. There are others here who have it to, and no small wonder that a large majority of us who have it also "self medicated" with drugs or alcohol or both. I literally feel like I am losing my mind, and am in full adrenaline fight-or-flight mode when something happens.
When 911 happened, I worked in a large hospital. In the coming days and weeks after the attack, we had seminars in all departments about what we would be responsible for in a disaster dituation. That we could not leave and go home if there was a public disaster because it would be considered patient abandonment by the law. Just going though the seminars and inservice meetings, and then to go outside for a smoke break in the days that followed, and see NO airplanes in the sky at all, and to know that we were all grounded due to iminent threats of danger from the sky. During this time, I felt terrified and full of anxiety. There was no direct threat resported where I lived or work, but I was STILL anxious and panicky. My heart beat out of my chest for days. So I cannot even begin to imagine what you were feeling today, with a direct scare in your own vicinity. I am here as a fellow alcoholic and PTSD sufferer, to offer you validation and support. It is the people who shrug off fire alarms and so forth who end up dying in burning buildings, just ask any fireman.
All the "realistic thinking" in the world does not calm me down when I am in a PTSD episode (which are now few and far between, thank God), because it is a disease of the mind AND body. My body will not stop "preparing for flight" even if I or someone else can manage to get my MIND calm. The body still does its thing. You are not responsible for this. And you are also not to be victimized by others who react differently to situations like this. You are here to take care of YOU. Not to compare yourself with others, or to give a crap what they think of your reactions.
This is absolutely relevant to AA. "There are those among us who suffer grave emotional (like PTSD) and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." And honestly, you and I have emotional disorders which, when we are honest about their effects on us, can be treated and the urge to drink over them held at bay through AA. Not to be redundent, but you take care of your PTSD in the irght ways and let AA take care of the drinking part. One does not work without the other, in my opinion, and in my case.
Love, hugs, prayers and understanding coming your way! Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
thanks Aprilleaves and Jonijoni man i do feel like poop right now. all over the place. thanks Joni for telling me that it helps a lot. Omg i feel so much shame about how i acted now. "I literally feel like I am losing my mind, and am in full adrenaline fight-or-flight mode when something happens. " yeh me too i was off my head. Thank you for the hugs and prayers.
AprilLeaves i hope you wouldnt drink. My mind does that crappy thinking as well. But drinkin i think jsut adds to the badness and makes it worse. just creates more bad times really. I hope i stick to that. one day at a time i guess not worry what i think tomorrow. Thank you for the hugs
Louisa thank you for the hugs also :)
i am so glad i posted cause the support here has helped me a lot thank you guys.
-- Edited by slugcat on Tuesday 18th of May 2010 05:53:48 PM
No fear is irrational to the person feeling it. Fear keeps humans from doing stupid things like petting hyenas.
The training center for an insurance company I worked for was a renovated cop-shop. I could tell by the architectural details. I'd seen them in many concrete jobs that I'd bid. I had to sit though a 90-minute video and a 30-minute test in what was once an interrogation cell. Right shape. Right location. Right...ssssssssiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeee.
I have a "thing" about interrogation cells that I won't go into. I was a wreck from the minute I put 2+2 together. I bit a slit inside my lip so tthat the taste of my blood would distract me from the heebie-jeebies and I could pass the f***ing test.
It was just a room. It had a door. I was not cuffed to anything....but the fear was real, because it was mine.
Thanks for letting us help you get it off your chest. That's a much healthier option than what I did after I got out of that facility.
In support slugcat.Coming to share like your life depends on it helps you free yourself and also identify with others letting you know you are never alone.Stay positive and go with God! peace........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Glad that you didn't drink Slugcat, that's something very positive to take away from this and you should be proud of that. Remember that feelings are Not facts. I'm not saying to stuff your feelings, but once you find that they are inappropriate you can ignore them. Your mind is not your friend, and if you can choose to ignore these feelings, over time they will lessen and go away. It's possible that you're addicted to those feelings and the chemicals that they release in your brain when you get scared, and then the shame that follows. Believe that you can let go of these inappropriate feelings and pray for them to be removed. To some extent, we have these, call them quirks or pet peeves.
((((Slugcat))))...Just gotta relate to you that once during a presentation session in college which was done by some VietVets who were describing what they went thru over there and how it affected them...I cried during the whole presentation. My professor wanted to know if she should stop the session or if I wanted to leave the class for later and I asked not that if the rest of the class could look past my reactions I wanted to stay. I would weep as quietly as I could. The class agree, the professor agree and the presenters agreed and we continued as I withstood the whole fear and panic ordeal as one entire gut wrench. I didn't know why I was reacting that way and I could not, nay would not pull my self away from the presentation. After the class I went one on one with the vets and they asked me to tell them where I came from since I had never been to Vietnam. I told them a bit about myself and they confirmed me as suffering from PTSD. I was raised in the disease of alcoholism...insanity outside of the asylum.
Yeah you had a bad day and for others it would have been insurmountable while you are still standing. React until you learn another way of responding to fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and let the rest of us love you unconditinally.
Thank you so much for the support, thanks Louisa,Jerry F, StPeteDean,mikef, Aquaman (hope i not forget anyone)for posting support. I felt really helped by being able to get this out and have some kind responses. I am still really jumpy but will be OK. thanks for listening and helping
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