For some reason I've become acutely aware of the college graduation celebrations, of children of people that I know. Whether it's pictures on facebook or parties in my neighborhood and it's getting to me. My only son went off to college 5 years ago. I knew that he was floundering about a bit, but I thought that he'd get done sooner or later. This spring semester he withdrew. I have told him, over the past couple years that's it's his life and college isn't for everybody (I only attended community college for a few courses that I needed for construction) and that I wouldn't be dissappointed if he didn't graduate.
Well, I'm going through some mixed emotions now. Some of it has to do with dissappointment, but the majority of it is his decision to limit our communication to once every 3-6 months or so. This has been going on for about 3 years, primarily (I'm assuming) so that he didn't have to talk about school. So I'm trying not to be irritated while remembering what my relationship with my father looked like at 23. It's difficult and I'm looking at my part in it. I'm letting go of it most of the time, but part of me really wants to lash out (at him) about it. This is just another thing that I'm powerless over and acceptance is the answer.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 17th of May 2010 09:10:12 PM
My only son flunk 2 & sup 2 subjects in his 1st semester in college. Heavy discipline and heavy lectures did not help. Before he registered for his 2nd semester, my wife and I decided to take him to church. We were hindus then, but we were at a loss for solving the problem. He also was drinking now and I could see father and son in AA. This was a alateen kid. My concept of God had not been evolving with the steps of recovery. It was dramatically revised at this point in my recovery, because this child showed me more about God than any one else. His results from that point improved to such an extent, that on his undergrad finals he had achievd a 70% aggregate and continued to complete his Honours. He then made a commitment to serve Jesus Christ through his business and in his church. 23 years old now and my best friend and business partner, but most of all my brother in Christ. My children are servants of Christ and my wife and I servants of AA and Alanon. Our God is a God of miracles. I will pray for you Dean. You are a special brother to me. We have not met personally but there is such kindness in the way you treat people in MIP. I really feel at home here. I am also on another church forum since 2004, but I cannot bring myself to write a single word there.
For some reason I've become acutely aware of the college graduation celebrations, of children of people that I know. Whether it's pictures on facebook or parties in my neighborhood and it's getting to me. My only son went off to college 5 years ago. I knew that he was floundering about a bit, but I thought that he'd get done sooner or later. This spring semester he withdrew. I have told him, over the past couple years that's it's his life and college isn't for everybody (I only attended community college for a few courses that I needed for construction) and that I wouldn't be dissappointed if he didn't graduate.
well maybe you're feeling he should be graduating around now and that you and he would be having this graduation party thing. although we try out best to say the right thing at the right time, that doesn't stop us being a bit resentful of our decisions and it doesn't stop us feeling somehow dissatisfied, when the bat hits the ball.
My lad dropped out of 6th form college and went and got himself a job, He's just been promoted after competitve interview (paddy's payirse though, better hourly rate but fewer hours.) People all have intelligence, but some have different intelligence to others, some people can look at a drawing and know how to make it in wood, some people don't need the drawing and some people learn how to make the drawing. It's great that someone can find the courage to drop out (with all it's associated issues of disappointing the parents) before they waste years of their life doing something they don't want or chasing a parent's dream. It's a credit that your son was comfortable enough with you and your responses to take that step.
Well, I'm going through some mixed emotions now. Some of it has to do with dissappointment, but the majority of it is his decision to limit our communication to once every 3-6 months or so. This has been going on for about 3 years, primarily (I'm assuming) so that he didn't have to talk about school. So I'm trying not to be irritated while remembering what my relationship with my father looked like at 23. It's difficult and I'm looking at my part in it. I'm letting go of it most of the time, but part of me really wants to lash out (at him) about it. This is just another thing that I'm powerless over and acceptance is the answer.
and again, as you say, how were we with our parents at that age? For me in my early twenties I saw my dad as a grumpy, mumbling, narrow minded, knuckle dragging fool who was always too tired to do anything. In my early twenties I probably saw my parents 4 times a year and I only lived in the next town. Now it's more a bloke who worked himself half to death to provide a ridiculously high standard of living for a predominantly ungrateful family.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Dean!good seeing ya! I believe your right.remember when we were 23! I know I was using,drinking and dealing at the time so I definitely stayed away from all family and they only lived few miles away..My 24 year old at home ,as you know ,is in recovery from Heroin addiction,on the juice"Methadone" which I really don't condone,but his life is coming together and he is the one that will have to "kick" that monster eventualy.He is not overdosing,robbing ,going to jails or institutions so I can only work my program and carry the message from how I now live my life.You would think ,that being a drunk and an addict for over 25 years I would have seen that coming but I didnt (or didint want to?)Anyway ,even with my 43 year old son, who lived thru my active years, was always distant.(probably fro many reasons.) we have since renewed our relationships after 31 years and it is wonderful..We are in contact both him,my 44 year old daughter and the grandchildren and great granchildren!We tend to put our expectations on our children and when it doesnt work out we get resentful,angry,disappointed,all different emotions.All we can do is "love",hopefully we have set our guidelines early on in their lives and hope the God of our understanding sets their path.My spiritual readings tell me"teach a child in the wayhe should go and when he is old he will not turn from it!I have to put my trust in that.I think we try to be 'better" parents than maybe our parents were with us,but being caught in the grip for so long certainly didnt help the situation.Just for Today I can only try and do what my HP guides me to (if I pay attention)Sometimes we just need to say how we feel'.I wish I had told my father many things but it didnt work out,I remained a drunk and an addict for a year and a half after he died at my age of 62!We do have to have acceptance but we can also maybe communicate our feelings better??I cant get it back ,but I always tell my son no matter what we should at least talk!! good luck man!! I would suggest calling him, tell him you love him and you would like to communicate much more than you are now.Worst case scenario is he'll say"yeah sure dad,and still not call!!!But I believe he'll hear ya!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
This is interesting as although my parents and I don't have a fixed 'limit' to our communication - one exists.
You see, my parents will often say to me 'well whatever you're happy doing or we won't be or are not disappointed' and that MAY be true, but I don't FEEL it's true. Their whole body lanaguage speaks of it not being true. I realise they possibly can't help that, and if they are disappointed in me (they still think I should have been a lawyer!!!!) then that is THEIR problem and not something I should take on board. That said, it has taken me a long time to get to this point.
I shut them out completely for nearly 7 years as I could not cope with them. Their (well-meaning?) urge to control or assess/evaluate me (not always in an open way) was just too much....they will pounce on opportunites .....for me ....or hint at things!
Today, I keep them at a distance - we probably have contact 6 - 8 times a year. (3 of those are birthdays and 1 Christmas)
The reason I keep them at quite a distance still is that it has always been the case that if I gave them an inch they would take a mile - as in, it wouldn't take long if I let them fully into my life again for them to restart their old habits.
However, I see now (after some time in recovery) that it is ME who needs to get a handle on this and not shut them out because of my inability to deal with them or perhaps because they don't behave exactly how I want them too. That is unfair of me. They have done and are doing the best they know how and it is for me to grow enough in recovery to understand that and show compassion.
THis is only my ESH as ever Dean and it is very early and possibly a little raw for your son who probably feels a disappointment to his father? (and to himself?) He is also young - I am 44 been in recovery for years and struggle with this stuff
Don't know if the above has any meaning for you but it has simply been my journey with my parents.
WE do connect alot better now though and I feel that given time we may find things that bring us closer rather than move us apart.....of course this is all in HP's time. Much love Louisa xx
-- Edited by louisa on Monday 17th of May 2010 09:53:02 AM
I did 1.5 years of a 2 year college program and dropped out. It had been building up to that for a while. I was drinking WAYYY too much to be able to perform in school. Mom was so disappointed in me.
It all worked out in the end and I wouldn't change the way things happened. It is part of my story and I learned important lessons that I keep with me even today.
((edit: I even still have the same student loan payments!!Haha!))
-- Edited by Oblong on Monday 17th of May 2010 10:16:54 AM
Aloha Dean...That's a sad picture and I spent some time in it myself and for me the solution was to do myself what the expectation of the other was...I made the calls and I genuinely expressed interest in how they were doing and I passed on some information of my own and ended with "I love you" and hung up until the next time which was initiated by either them or me. "The courage to change the things I can" today is about changing me and reaching out to others regardless of the relationship, for that I am responsible. I like saying I miss you because it values them in my life and our relationship. There are things going on that we are not privy to when they are growing up just like my parents weren't privy to mine and that I choose to do "in spite" of my parents knowledge and experiences. My life did not come out the way my parents thought it should and also it did not come out the way I thought it should. Still it comes out and I place my adult children and my self daily in the hands of my HP knowing that the lesson still is unconditional love. God is, I am, they are.
I have no experience so have nothing to offer but support
But I have to admit, every time I looked at the title, something was "knawing" at me too, and I couldn't figure out what it was...I kept looking, it kept knawing
DOH
Gnawing
OK, off to tell on myself on Larry's post about perfectionism, bye
-- Edited by AGO on Monday 17th of May 2010 02:56:13 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Dean, You hardly EVER need ESH from us, and I hope mine might help sooth.
I went in the Air Force when I was 20 and between 20 and 29, with exception of an 8-month return-to-regroup, Mom heard from me about every 3-6 months as well. at 29 I got married. Since then I've lived at least 1000 miles away from her right up until she died two years ago or so. We had some visits for holidays, but it was mostly phone calls six times a year...tops.
No real reason, either. She had my sisters and their kids to keep her "in family" and I was blazing my own way trails.
When we were together, though, we formed enough of a bond that I knew if i ever needed to...I could come home and she would accept me, so, I was free to live & learn. She knew I drank too much, but I had cousins who were worse
Maybe...just maybe...you did a good enough job with him that he's confidently blazing his own trails.
Maybe if my Mom had said "Not for you, Rob...but for me...call me more often." I would have.
Bummer. Sorry you gotta go thru and deal with this right now.
I can understand completely ... You see , hear and are possibly invited to other Kids' graduations and all the while you are having mixed feelings about your own kid.
So often I find myself comparing my kids to other kids. And I gotta stop doing that and realize that my kids are who they are . And I pray that God help me accept them and love them just the way they are regardless of their shortcomings.
Im learning that the Serenity Prayer has alot more depth and meaning to me than it did when I first got sober
Hey Dean...I'm still working on mending things with my parents and I can fully say that they are 100 percent my issues. At 23 I was very much still in the "all about me" type thinking and figuring 1. Parents didn't understand me 2. For whatever reason they bothered me, it was their fault; and 3. If I didn't talk to them they would learn to kiss my ass and let me have my way and act like a spoiled brat.
So...while you might not be hearing it from your son (as much as you should)...All I can say is Thanks for being a caring Dad. I know from the work that I do that SOOOOOO many kids don't have one at all.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm a little late on this, but trying to get my sobriety on so I guess late is better than never. I don't have ESH on this specifically either, but pregnant at 42 with a 2.5-year-old, I'm sure I will at some point!
But I will add that since I've been working at a University, I get sad around this time too. I've graduated three times - high school, college, and master's degree - and had no family at any of the graduations. My father died when I was 15, so all that was left was my elderly grandmother who can't get around, my mother and brother. In high school my mother was sick/drunk and fell down the stairs on the way to my graduation and my brother had to take her to the hospital -she broke ribs. In college she was in a nursing home, too sick to attend and my brother had moved away. She was already dead by the time I got my master's. My brother visited but there was no celebration. So its just self-pity that I've had about it lately.
This is really a completely different thing - feeling bad in another way around the same time. But we are human, and I think all parents want to see these things for their children. I tell myself that all I want for my daughter when she grows up is to be happy and useful. But I know better, I will have a very hard time letting go and I actually dread it. I know I am going to be clingy and overprotective, I can't imagine the emotional battles I have ahead. But I think all that you are going through with your son, and all your feelings, are very very normal. I even get on my husband to call his father, and I know he loves him very much and gets sad that his dad is not in his life more. Baffles me, but I think that's just how we are as human beings.
