Took 2 weeks off from work...just back now and have to return to work tomorrow. Dreading it...hate the place...need to hang in until retirement, which is just a few years. . Went to see my sister and my daughter. Visit with sister didnt go so well, but we have since resolved most of it and committed to continue working on the rest, with love. Also way too many trigger memories of past issues/relationships in both of the cities I was in. Visit with daughter went quite well, she seems happy and is doing well.
I am currently suffering a severe depression, which comes out in spontaneous weeping & anger & spewing tears & rages at others. Miserable. Am under good doctors (note the plural...we got it covered!!) care and monitoring. Making meetings, but am having a hard time due to the endless robotic phrases newer people seem to just have to spout...with nothing much else to say that has any real substance or relevance. After 20-plus years of it, hearing well, just take it a day at a time really does get old!!! Its OK if there is something more following the comment, to the heart of it, but too often there just isnt. Guess I am lacking patience & tolerance right now. Praying for patience and tolerance!! Grateful for my cyber recovery sites...much easier to deal with regarding manageability.
And, just to top it off...wha, wha, whine, whine...my beloved finally moved all his stuff out, which makes me very sad, so I am sitting in an emotionally-empty house, grieving. We havent closed the door on the relationship, and agreed to be best buds for now, and there is no animosity, so I am very grateful for that. Last, but not least in terms of upheaval, the living room is getting painted so everything is really a mess and stuff is crammed into all the other rooms. I have a hard time maintaining calm and balance in this chaos. Yard sale coming soon!!
Hey Leeu, I hear you, I agree with Dean but I phrase it differently, more along the line of "I am an old man, and have had many problems, some of which actually happened, so this is what it looks like when I listen to my mind!", just as real, just as imaginary, my interior life can be a full one and my head can be a death trap if I attach to the negativity it spews during difficult times.
This is just me, but that is when I find my friends who have actually integrated the 12 steps into their lives and have real experience with long term sober living, who don't just quote platitudes but talk to me about their experience with similar situations, truthfully some of the wisest people I talk to about this are able to give me the benefit of their experience without the slogans and dogma.
Like Buddha said, my teachings are like a raft, there is no reason to carry the raft on your head after you cross the stream, so while it's important to be able to teach others how to build that raft, when I hit that spot you are in, I listen to my old timer friends for where I am going, and to newcomers to listen about where I have been, and I don't know which is more helpful or which gives me more gratitude frankly.
Bottom line is our minds can be dangerous places on occasion that try to make us so uncomfortable that taking a drink seems a good idea, now this is just me, but when it happens to me I view that as nothing more then untreated alcoholism so that is what I treat and it works, Dean wrote a very long post about that awhile back, maybe he will clean it up, make it less specific and make a sticky about how we get addicted to drama.
PS edit
any time I have ever put the two words vacation and family together I come back about in the same condition you are in, so I learned I had to seperate them, now I take vacations from my family not with them.
-- Edited by AGO on Sunday 16th of May 2010 01:40:57 PM
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Aloha Leeu...Okay that triggered me good...I have those experiences and part of the solution is the Patience and Tolerance which of course when I have I am in balance. Ta Da!! Spontaneous reaction is a key peace of evidence for me and it means that my subconscious is running the show and not notifying my conscious self of what's gonna happen next. I use to work for NASA and at every launch they would announce, "We have a liftoff!!" I adopted that now when my conscious self is disrespected and my subconscious self hits the launch button. LOL And I really do have a lift off...fast loud and very very demonstrative. There is no mistake Jerry F has just left gravity and soon to be in orbit.
I learned a 3 second rule for taking care of that which has now become a 5 second rule as I attend to my recovery and listen to what works within the fellowship. I keep myself aware of the negative things that are going on in my life along with the awareness that I have no power over when they surface. I have the responsibility but not the power. So I increase my awareness and I focus on the deterents I have learned to beat my subconscious to the punch. HP focus, slogans, steps, traditions and I practice them outwardly and actively. That is a deterent to the when if the hand goes for the launch button. Then I insert 5 seconds between trigger and response (not reaction) so that I have thinking and planning time on how I'm gonna handle it. It always comes out different and better for me after I insert the time.
I've noticed lately that all of nature continues to sing around me rather than hold its collective breaths waiting for the flash of bright light, sonic boom and mushroom cloud. Hoping it comes out better for you. ((((hugs))))
I have no pearls of wisdom other than to say that for me, when I have felt similar to you, I fetch a piece of paper out that I keep in my diary which states "Louisa, DO NOT FORGET , everything can change in an instant." (That usually refers to my feelings but can also relate to circumstances) That is exactly what it says and sometimes it's the only message I am capable of taking in when I am despairing. Only My ESH as ever. love Louisa xx
leeu, I will not be that newcomer who simply says, "Easy Does It", because I am sittign right where you are, witht he divorce, mental health issues (yes thank GOD for good doctors), "emptiness", adn the like... I will simply say "It Sucks", and I have earned the right to say that!
In addition, (and probably not that important, but all the same....) I have a torn-up living environment, including a living room back wall in my new place that is sloppily painted dark gray, and my furniture is TAN and cream and brown!!!! ARGH!!!!!
I am with ya'! Life's a big fat hairy beast from Hell right now. Thank GOD we are sober. Thank GOD, because I know it, and you know it, it WILL pass, after God-knows how long we have to suffer.
Ok, done with my rant, but you are NOT alone, and this said in the most non-cliche' way possible.'
((((((((Hugs to you AND me))))))))
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
