God, I don't even know how to start this post. Tonight my husband who I will soon be divorced from met me at the house to clean out the basement together. It was hard work, and you should see the tree lawn! There were already people in SUV's coming by to pick through some useful stuff that we set out, because neither one can carry all that baggage around with us now.
As we locked up the house, the last time we would be there together, we turned off all the lights, and stood in the driveway, in the dark, held eachother, and cried. I said, "Damn you for being gone all the time and damn me for not knowing how to handle it and putting you through a few nasty relapses. Damn me for staying when you found others to satisfy your desires. Damn the whole thing. What were we thinking?"
I have to go back and do all the cleaning now, but the "big event" has passed, and the cleaning part is just a formality. It is now an empty home, and it was "empty" for years anyway. The happiness I thought would grow there did not. Only resentment and misery and pain.
I cried the whole way back here,t o my new "home". I felt helpless nd hopeless. I felt like dirnking but I knew in my heart that I have a lot of work to do now, on me, and drinking won't help me get to a better place, and besides, I might not get there. There have been an awful lot of people dying around me lately, and I don't want to be the next, not by my own stupidity, at least.
I wlaked in the door. My dog looked at me and wiggled her but, and "hopped" around in circles. She had ot go pee. She and the cat are keeping me hanging on right now. Go'd creatures. They need their mother. I love them with all my heart, and they have not let me out of their sight for one second since this whole "ending and new beginning" started. They know.
Well, I'm off to put his golf clubs (that he used a total of twice LOL) on Craigslist. I have a wedding dress to sell, and other blah blah blah stuff.... but the "last embrace" at the house is over now and behind us. GOD it hurts so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandma's calling hours are Sunday night. A lot of endings right now for me. A lot of grief. I know sleep will not come easily for me tonight. Thanks for listening, and for the knowledge that someone will pop in here soon to give me a "hug". I sure need one.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Sounds like you're doing what you need to do right now. Don't lose hope. As long as you don't pick up that first drink for the rest of your life you'll be doing better each minute/day.
Thank you, Larry. It was very thoughtful of you to send that prayer. It is such a big help right now. If I get through all this crap sober, then I can get through anything sober, with God's help, and my real friends. I am so glad I am never alone.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Curl up in your HP's palms and pray "...take away all of my difficulties that victory over them might be witness..." This too will pass as long as you keep your sobriety and work the program. In support.
Joni, this is exactly where I started my sobriety journey 20 months ago. Splitting up from a 7 year relationship and moving out on my own with just my cat. It's all good and it WILL lead you to a better place and a stronger sobriety on top of that. Trust me. Love,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Joni! My heart shares your pain.I also went through 2 divorces and lost contact with my children for 31 years.Last year I was able to fly to Texas,renew my relations with my 43/44 year old children,meet my grandchildren of which my 20 year old grandaughter just had a beautiful little baby girl,Trinity Rose,making me a great grandfather,The reason I say this is God always has a plan and it seems in time the wounds heal and God's works will come from it.I spent many years beating myself up for things I coulndn't get back.45 years after my first marriage I am able to see that we were never supposed to be together in the first place.I have made amends thru my 9th step ,forgiven myself,asked God for forgiveness and forgiven others.I am so glad you are not feeling"hopeless" because I couldn't shake that feeling for awhile.Spiritual principles,total God centered living was the only thing that allowed me to live again.(of course surrender)(((((((((((joni)))))))))))) This is not about religion but I have this writing on my office door at work,I see every morning on the way to my desk"He pulled me from the muck and mire,a horrible pit,out of the miry clay,and set my feet upon a rock,He established my steps,putting a new song in my mouth..We will go thru pain but with our trust in our HP the pain will be bearable,I will be on my knees soon to start my day putting on the armour of my HP before I enter the world.I will keep you lifted up in my daily office and ask for your continued strength and serenity!......
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for bringing that to Us and not lugging it around inside yourself.
I'm not even going to try to say anything like "I've been there..." or "what I did was...". You need advice from a man right now like a fish needs a bicycle.
I can hear how much it hurts. I wish I could alleviate your pain. I hear how scared you are. I wish I could give you courage. I hear the doubts. I wish I could give you affirmation. All I really have to offer is compassion and solidarity. And a prayer. The best one I know.
God, please grant Joni the Serenity to accept the things she cannot change, the Courage to change the things she can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
That being said, if it was ME...I'd go get a tattoo. Maybe a chain around my ankle with a shattered link, but then again, I tend to wear my life on my skin.
Now you can focus only on yourself, which imo is the best possible position to be in for a great recovery. No disteractions, just you learning how to love and take very good care of you.
I send my heart felt condolences on the loss of your loving grandmother. My heart broke,when I read about you also going thru a divorce.
You are grieving and I understand such pain. It's awful.
You do seem to be on the right tract. Just as in death, so is divorce, except the corpse is still up walking around. I admire how you did not drag your emotions around forever and faced them. You allowed yourself to feel feelings without self-medicating.
It is times such as these, that we grow.
Thank you for sharing what is going on with you right now. You are an inspiration to my soul.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...as we grow in the common goals we find only in sobriety.
