Wow, really don't know what to think....I have been sober for almost 2 and half years. It has been great getting into a life I love and starting to be comfortable in my own skin. I live a very simple life. I am 50 retired, I run, go to meetings spend time with my daughters and my sober boyfriend on weekends doing well sometimes a whole lot of nothing. At least that what it seems to my sister. This is my story. I was arrested for my second dwi on Jan. 28th 2008. It was the beginning of a whole new life. My sister was there calling the lawyer, taking me to court, getting me to my first AA meeting. You see, she had been sober for aprox 11 years. She went back out a year before I got into trouble. I knew nothing about alcoholism so I didn't think anything of it. So she was there to help get me started. Well I actually went to meetings even thou it was court appointed I listened and learned that I was an alcoholic and my life began to turn around. The hard part was now that I was learning the steps and about the disease it confused me why my sister would have gone back out. She says she has it under control and she doesn't drink for the same reasons. I know that it is not my problem what she does and I stay away from the subject with her and just work my program to help myself stay sober. My sister was there and really helpful while i was recovering and we did alot together.As I have grown I don't go out and do alot of things she does. Its hard for me to be around her when she drinks because of what I know. But I leave it alone. Not to mention an older sister who is gaining on the disease. I canceled a date to run with her tomorrow morning. I got a call and she said i never want to do anything with her and whats my problem. I had said I was going to a new meeting in the morning instead. She couldn't believe I would ditch her for a meeting when I could go anytime during the week. I just didn't feel like running with her. I know this sounds childish. She told me that its always about me and that she feels used. Told me I was very selfish. I told her that I could never thank her enough for all she has done but I have grown now and need to live my life without being held hostage. ok I was a little loud when I told her that. I am thankful but man...does that mean everytime she wants to do something I should have to be guilted into it???? I thought by living sober and doing the next right thing would be payment enough. I try to pay if forward in the program. She is famous for running to save the world and then gets mad when her expectations are not met with the proper response. I feel terrible that we fought but I just don't have that active life style and don't have the need or want to make her happy all the time. I like my quiet little life and am tired of making excuses for not wanting to do things with her all the time. I don't know if this makes sence. I don't want to shy away if I am doing something wrong. But do believe in boundries and I guess I will just pray for a good way to handle this. I love my sister but don't want to be bullied. Want to just enjoy my sobriety with out all the sibling bull s*&t. I just had to write this out. Dont think it will do much for anyone else but I do feel better.
Chances are she will continue to act this way. She is sick. You are getting well. You do not owe her anything. Codepency seems to run amok with this woman. When you are sick she runs to the rescue. When you are well it makes her angry inside.
I know how you feel, to some degree. While I have an Al Anon in my life who does NOT drink she is self-will run riot, controlling, manipulative, full of expectations, and seems in love with her own sense of martyrdom. I love her very much and I know she loves me, but I can't meet her expectations and I refuse to feel guilty about that.
Since I am getting a divorce and going through a lot including some financial hardships, my Al Anon (aunt) offered to pay for me to get a haricut at the salon. I thought it was gracious of her. My hair is extrmely short right now, like boy-short and needs cut often to maintain. Today she said to me, why don't you get a haircut so you will have a fresh cut when you see the relatives (family funeral this weekend coming up).. then she followed up with "I will pay for your haircut IF you bleach those red streaks out."
The old me would have screamed at the top of my lungs, lashed back at her with venom, etc... I simply looked at her, shook my head, and said, "You KNOW that the hairstyle I choose is absolutely none of your business, and beyond your control. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks." Then I went and ogt my own haircut. She has "relapses". Big ones. I have to remind her sometimes that just because I am the recovering alcoholic doesn't mean I am always the "sick one", nor always in the wrong.
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Saturday 15th of May 2010 01:20:42 AM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thank you for your responses. I was upset but as I went to bed I prayed for wisdom. I woke and after reading your post I am thinking a little clearer. Her comment on her feeling used, upset me. Then as I thought back....I can see where she is the type who loves to rescue people but then she gets resentments from the people she helps. She was in al-anon for some time. But this all shows me , if you stop going to meetings your thinking starts stinkin!!!
hi Susie, your sister is not drinking, but without a program of recovery she is a dry drunk. her committe is yammering at her all the time and she takes it out on you because she is miserable but is sure she can "fix herself". she may get cranky with you, especially if she sees you getting better and leaving her behind. she will see that you have joy, while she has her will power... and no one to help her. of course she will think you are deserting her "after all she did for you." that is the nature of of alcoholism. blaming others for our misery, which is basically our spiritual sickness. the steps and a higher power start healing that sickness. do you have a sponsor? a sponsor can help you A LOT, as well as the meetings. just love your sister with tough love ... maybe you could plan a special sister day once a month to remind her of your love. hope you don't mind my 'advice' ... just trying to share my ESH. love jj
Thanks so much jj....Appreciate your thoughs and I think your right on with many of them. No she is not sober anymore. Picked back up after 11 years. Claims she know all about the program but she really doesn't. Not my job to explain it to her unless she wants to join me. Just got back from a long walk and think I know where to draw my boundries after praying and reading these responses. Thank you all very helpful.
Great post and very supportive. Family similarities abound and I am so glad for early sponsorship that sorta, kinda gave me "permissions" to set up my recovery as I needed to and not abandon it for anyone...my life depended on it. My brothers have their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, ideas, wants and needs...yay!! It's okay and it is okay for me to have mine. It was okay for me to leave California and come back home to Hawaii, HOME, and let them have their personal uncertainties about it. It's okay for them to "try" the program...leave with complaints...and have their reactions to me being in and staying it and not having another drink since 2/79. It's okay...they are permitted and I am permitted. I am not responsible for anyone elses happiness or sadness or peace of mind and serenity. Nothing I do or don't do is powerful enough to cause another person in or out of the program to be better and more satisfied about themselves than if I had not. I am responsible to and for myself I hold no one else responsible for or to myself they are free to live as they so choose. Sometimes it takes a bit more time to teach others that. Sometimes they never seem to get it and that's okay.
Wow Jerry thanks for your post....Very Very helpful. this moring talking to my boyfriend about this subject, I finally came to a conclusion as to why I always seem to not want to hang out with her. I am an Alcoholic. I am not comfortable hanging out with some people who drink. Even thou they are not drinking right in front of me. My ideas about the life style have changed and if im going to live an honest program, it is very hard to sit and listen to her talk about how she is living. How she only had 2 drinks last nite with dinner. always talking about how much control she has. It just dawned on me this morning how it is just toxic for me to truley enjoy hanging out with her. She is my sister and I love her end of story. But I cant be best friends and act like i condone her life style and like you say Jerry....Its okay!!! Figureing this out has been very freeing to me!! Thanks for all your post.
Butt-handing "on the rocks"!!!! Why even bother?