I feel like I am dying inside. I was talking to my brother for the 1st time since I overdosed. I feel like such a piece of shit. He asked me why I relapsed, that I should be stronger than that by now. Told me it seemed like I hadn't been working a program. I told him I stopped a month ago when I got to the 8th step. Told him, how can I make ammends when I have no job and I'm living for free with him and my nephew? I broke down crying for the 1st time in 6 years. Thought I was incapable of crying since my ex offed herself in '04. My nephew asked me why I was crying and I just opened the flood gates.I told him how sorry I was for when he found me overdosed in my bathroom. I called all my friends in the program. Nobody answered their phones and won't return any messages. My sponsor ripped me a new one and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop whining as I pour my heart out to him. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm thinking about checking myself into a psych ward because I don't trust myself anymore. I spent my whole session with my counselor yesterday trying to find a rehab with no results. My scorecard is reading 0 and I don't know what to do......
Get to a meeting, rehab, friends, or whatever it takes. Find your inner strength, talk to your brother, find out what is best for you and do it. Giving up is not an option. Think of your nephew and do it for him.
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And sometimes to help them we have got to help ourselves. - SRV
meetings meetings and more meetings, 3 a day, walk there, walk back, start over, raise your hand, ask for help, eat and sleep, try to eat healthy
been there, done that got the jail time, and the pitiful and incomrehensible demoralization, there is truly no lower low, but there is good news, there is hope and there is help, for it's when we get to that place is when we can finally surrender and abandon ourselves to this simple program, it's horrible, but it's what it takes in almost every instance, the gift of desperation, the "jumping off place"
Here is the description of the alcoholic when he is ready to abandon himself to this simple program
Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
Friend is at the door, I will PM you my phone number, actually check our chess game i'll put it there in a few minutes
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Ditto what AGO said: go to lots and lots and lots of meetings. get there early for the "meeting before the meeting," and hang out afterward for the "meeting after the meeting." Keep it simple.
Love,
BGG
-- Edited by BGG on Thursday 13th of May 2010 08:53:15 PM
'The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.Except in few rare cases,neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense.His defense must come from a Higher Power'(from our readings).For me and many others only God could do for us what we couldn't do for ourselves.My first suggestion is total committment to our first step,relapse is never accidental it signals a reservation somewhere in your program.(missing meetings,feeling sorry for yourself,exceptional low self esteem,etc,) The pain you are feeling will be compounded 100% if you choose to pick up! (outside reading)If we have relapsed,it is important to keep in mind that we must get back to meetings,.otherwise we may only have months,days or hours before we reach a threshold where we are gone beyond recall!Please remember "YOU ARE SOMEBODY! We are not bad people we are sick and need help.Get back to your support,get God on top of everything,because none of us made it here without God! The solutions are in the Steps but only if you 'work and live them"Reach me if you need to .I can only pray for your acceptance of our iLLNESS and the road that will lead you to recovery..Dig in man,we are here for you.......peace .....
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 13th of May 2010 08:54:36 PM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Justin, I have had to "check in" before when I could not handle ANYTHING.... and felt like there was no solution. Yes, AA is an excellent idea--- but if you are experiencing the deep depression that screams at me from where I sit reading your post, you must get some psychiatric help and now. More than one psychiatrist has saved my LIFE, and gotten me to a point where I could actually work AA's program.
"There are those among us with grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
For me, this meant FIRST getting honest about the fact that I was ready to "go", and that someone had to save my life FOR me, immediately. The truth was so ugly and horrible, and my mental disorder itself prevented me from being honest, and also from being ABLE to face the kinds of things we have to face in AA when we work the Steps. Please get help now, my friend.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I agree with Joni, Get into help right away. As much as I preach AA there are times when professional psychiatric help is the sober choice to make. It saved my life.
Larry, --------------- It gets worse, so you have to get better.
I'm a chronic relapser, but I think the important thing is that each time I don't give up I just pick up whatever pieces are left after the wreck (even if I don't want to) & I try again, and i do it not only for my sake but for those who love me & whos lives would be affected if I didnt.
I would suggest going into rehab or somewhere out of your brothers house so you can truly clear your head and get the help/support you need...at least in my case my family & their frustration can be a huge trigger and I stay away from them when i'm having an episode. I'm not sure if your on psych meds, but they do work. Also, eating healthy & working out REALLY helps.
I really hope everything works out! I know it's tough, but you can do it.
You might want to consider a structured supportive group living environment. Some call it a "halfway" house, but I don't think you need to do half of anything... half measures avail us... nothing. You might think about getting into a "Recovery" house.
Take a look at the Miracles In Progress Aftercare Recovery Homes in Wilmington, NC and I am willing to bet they have something similar in your area.
SD, what John said. It was pivotal to my recovery, to live with other recovering people. Fortunately, I was able to rent rooms out to 3 AA members, in the house that I rented from my Dad. I did this for the first 3 years and it helped me tremendously to see how recovering people lived and dealt with "life on life's terms". I owe a lot to these people that I lived with as I learned much from them. In the mean time get to a meeting or two a day and muddle trudge through this low and let the group and your AA friends help pull you through it. It would be helpful for you to consider that you are not in a unique position and yes quit feeling sorry for yourself. Doing a daily gratitude list and counting your blessings while you buy time. Keep it simple, don't drink and don't think.
((((((Justin))))) I promise you you can get through this. These guys are right - sometimes extra help is needed to enable us to start again. With love and support, Louisa xx
Justin - I see you are checking in and online and that's a great relief...it means another brother isn't dead.
You sounded like you were in a bad, bad headspace last evening...ALL that 1/2 of 24 hours ago. What has worked for me in the past has been (pick all, one or any combination; the price is the same)...
INTENSE prayer and surrendering to HP CALLING an AA CALLING anybody MEETING NAP GOOD healthy meal WAIT for the Miracle and don't give-up 5 minutes prior to the Miracle
The trick is...I actually have to DO something. That's not coming from a self-help, 1980's, me-centered-empower-freakin'-ment place. That's coming from a Zen place. My relapses happened when I didn't choose; I drank. Choosing inaction is the easiest and sometimes most effective action for me to choose. Choosing peaceful meditation, waiting or even napping is choosing to NOT be in a state of turmoil. That's what works for me...when i choose to choose.
Morning Justin! I pray that today brings a renewed outlook on life for you and helps you make the decisions you need to make. I assumbed yesterday that because of your "chronic" relapsing that you have already tried psychiatric help and meds etc.Although I am driven by my HP and always try to allow Him to guide my life,outside help is definitely a good thing when all is is not working.There is no shame or I am 'less than" because of taking meds or seeking counselling. We are responsible for our own recovery no matter how we get there.My son ,now 24 ,in recovery from Heroin addiction,has been on psyche meds since he was 12 years old. Every bracket of SSRI'S,ResperDAL,Seraquil,Atavan,Paxil.pROZAC,Xanax etc.There isn't enough room for the list.The deal is when he would take as prescribed they worked very well. Like it has been stated here"its impossible to work a program >if you are in the throes of a major depression,or any other emotional turmoil/Please get the help you need from wherever you can'.I agree that somehow living in the situation that keeps your self esteem at a major low is not helpful.I would also seek someone away from that evvironment and work on my mental status.As always go to God ,seek His counsel.He didnt bring us along this far to drop us.I am truly in prayer for you.I have lived in my family with my son(I am also in another therapuetic 12 step program) to keep me focused on not only being an addict but the father of an addict.Go with God,you will get help and we are here for you...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I have been exactly where you appear to be......After a suicide attempt, there was a 72 mandatory hold for I was in that space, I dont know if your using was like that....but I strongly feel like Joni, if you go to any Pych ward and discuss how you are feeling, I feel pretty sure that you would be able to get at least a 72 hour respit from the anger you are feeling from everyone.....with some decent counseling everyday....
I recall that furious anger from family and friends, and I had to get away from it.....lived with a friend for a while, someone that was also a Recovery Alcoholic....just long enough for me to get my barings together....and to begin the digging in again to the Steps, and the daily AA meetings.
Solid heavy ROCK BOTTOM !.
"Sounds like you are so down that the bottom looks like up".
WE want to keep hearing from you, ok, we love you and I think it was AGO that said WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE, WE ARE PRETTY GOOD PEOPLE WITH A REALLY REALLY HELLISH, HORRIBLE DISEASE.....
Ironically, but so true, there are great things in store, we have to wait to see them, when Adversity hits us...felt like crying myself with your conversation with your beloved little nephew.
Lots of Love Justin my dear Bud, just let us Love you til you can once again Love yourself.....remember Justin.....this works, it really does...
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 14th of May 2010 12:47:18 PM
With your first post a few days ago, you mentioned that your counselor and you had sort of exhausted all and any Rehabs, but perhaps what John and Dean were talking about - a half way house.
If you get some medical attention first, possible that counselor in the Hospital could direct you to another place to live, like a half way house, or sharing a place with some other people in Recovery.....just keep asking Justin, your current home envirornment is not a place for you right now, thats my take on what you decribed...
You can do this, you did it before..
Praying for a solution for you, have you been Praying a lot too, hope so...
Justin, if you are detoxing from narcotics or opiates (which I suspect), then there is no detox unit in this COUNTRY that will not take you in. And it is a start, and might drastically improve your chances at getting into treatment.
-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Saturday 15th of May 2010 01:47:02 AM
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
