Hi, I need some advice. I am new to the forum and this is my first post. I have recently stopped drinking and am two months sober. Two days after I decided that I needed to quit drinking, my husband hit me with divorce papers, on my birthday nonetheless. He is angry and his biggest issue with me is that i didnt quit drinking because he asked me to and that if i loved him i would have quit drinking when he asked me to. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about making him realize that it wasnt because i didnt love him enough to stop drinking. For one i did not think that i could do it and i did not want to let him down again. I still love him with everything that i have, but have neglected him so long due to choosing the alcohol over him.
All we can do is stay sober and work the steps, in step 9 we come to reparations for harms done and amends, by that time we have usually been sober long enough to show we mean business, an amends is a repairing, a fixing of the situation, not an apology, many of our amends are living amends.
I could go on for pages and pages, hours and hours, show you reams and reams of literature, but they all boil down to one thing
stay sober go to meetings every day work the steps with a sponsor
every question you ask, every problem you face, is contained in those steps, if you go to meetings every day and work those steps, every problem you listed will take care of itself far better then you ever could, I promise you that with every fiber of my being.
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I am in 100% agreement with AGO. Stop Drinking, Go to meetings and work the AA 12 step program. At this point if you are like I used to be your words to your husband will have little effect.
How ever your actions, what he sees you do in every situation he will notice. Whether your marriage will be saved or not is in God's hands. AA is not in the marriage saving business although it sometimes happens as an extra benefit.
AA is in the business of helping you get and stay sober. If that is what you want AA is the place to be.
Larry, ---------------- A person that is not an Alcoholic,doesn't lay awake at 4 am wondering if they are an Alcoholic
-- Edited by Larry_H on Monday 10th of May 2010 05:43:43 PM
My response is more in the line of will you please make an introduction Post, and tell us more about you and your drinking history....that way we call all welcome you here and get to know you....you have just joined a wonderful group of Recovering Alcoholics and some who are still struggling to stay sober.....
So from me to you WELCOME to the MIP family....
Hope to see you soon again.....have you been to any AA meetings yet...do you have a schedule......there is a woman here that made a decision to quit, and after 20 something days discovered the hard way she could not do it by herself....we are always learning....so in my mind she just had a little learning curve....(for the person I am writing about, hope that is ok to be putting this info in here, atomoyously...:)..
Anyway Jojo, this is a little WE family here, so welcome to the family...
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 10th of May 2010 08:20:11 PM
Sorry, just too much going on my brain is not working. I am 34 years old, in the middle of a divorce and have an 11 year old daughter. I have been drinking since about 16 but heavily drinking for about five years now. I have been sober for two months and going to meetings as often as i can. The day of my last drink my husband told me that he wanted a divorce so i dropped my daughter off at my moms and went out for a few drinks. I picked my daughter up from my mothers, thinking that i was sober, and got pulled over and saw my daughter being taken away in a police car. That was the bottom for me. I only blew a .09, but still enough. Recently i found out that it was my husband who called the police in order to make me look bad in court, but it was the best thing that he could have did for me because it made me realize that i need help. Since ive been sober, life has been better despite getting a dui, a divorce, finding out my husband has been having an affair for 6 months, my mom and dad separating, but i am still staying sober believe it or not and no fallbacks so far.
Was so happy to see you back here giving us a little background.
Certainly could understand that part of your daughter being taken away as a real bottom....
Hope you are getting to as many meetings as you can, it is suggested for a better assurance of staying stopped, is really doing your best to make it 90 meetings in 90 days, and that you find a woman, someone that you like what she has to say with some good time to her sobriety, I would say no less than 5 years minimum, and she and you begin working the 12 Steps of this Program. It is in the working of the Steps of this Program that we begin to see or rather learn how to stay sober for a long time, of course you have probably heard that this is and I could not agree more, just a one day at a time Program.
Have you purchased the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and a 12 x 12, that is the written material of the awesome Steps that has helped many thousands of Recovering Alcoholics stay stopped, of course I am referring to both books, the first 164 pages of the Book of Alcoholics Anonyomous is the recommended reading to start, the rest of the book is also very valuable.
And just one more little thing I wanted to add, in your meeting schedule it would also be great if you could find one Book Study meeting, and one Step Study meeting each week.
So happy, you sound like you are in a ready position, with all the details of your life, we have so many little sayings in the rooms and one that might fit you today with what you have written, "It takes what it takes".
Wishing you a new sober life, and this new life will far exceed any expections...that is also a given around the Program. "you will be amazed before you are half way through" From "How it Works", the reading that is said at the beginning of all AA meetings.....it is very very true.
((((((((((((((Big Hugs for your new Journey))))))))))))
and then just one more from me....... ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Tonicakes........, one of your new sisters here.
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 10th of May 2010 08:25:27 PM
Welcome, Jojo. I am Joni, 38, alcoholic and addict, and I too am going through a divorce. But most of my marriage I was sober and he was not paying attention because he is a "workaholic" (yes there is such a thing). But the only advice I can give you right now is to take care of YOURSELF and your daughter regardless of what he is or isn't doing. If you start trying to manipulate him into staying, and he doesn't, as an alcoholic your drinking will get worse because of your expectations not being met. It is very dangerous.
Please get to some AA meetings and get a support group of women in AA to help you. It has to be a rough time for you and you should not be going through this and trying to stay sober alone.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
thanks everybody, you are all right, right now i just need to work on me and my daughter and do what is best for us. I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer today, so we will see what he says since husband is going to try to get custody of her. Unfortunately it was supposed to be an easy divorce, and now he wants the house, my daughter, adn everything that we have. I am just so scared that i will lose my daughter, he can have everything else as far as i am concerned, just dont know what i would do without her.
jojo, alcoholic or not, the courts will not take everything away from you. I am sorry there is a battle ensuing over your daughter. Very painful stuff. Please get involved in AA, on a live "physical" basis. There are women there in those meetings who are willing and able to really provide you with some priceless help with all that you are going through. The more you get physically involved, the more others will see you as someone who is responsible, and serious about her recovery.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hate to say it but I see that as a very predictable thing, coming straight of the mouth of any attorney. Attorneys really so enjoy "pitting" each other against the other spouse.
So my imput would be have your attorney do exactly the same thing, You want everything.....too!
You might (just speculating, dont know) but you might have to be on a "probationary" period for a time, if a Judge sees that you are sincere in your desire. I urge you strongly to really get into the Program, ASAP, get a solid sporsor, and also possible consider going into a Recovery Program, that would show that you mean business......
A Judge will look at only one thing, What is in the Best interest of the Child, ( I was told that by an excellent attorney when going though this too) And of course the Court Always favors the Mother, adding to that that she is your daughter, not a Son, where you might see more of a grey sort of swaying...
The Judge will look at your ability to stay Stopped, with the drinking....so do everything you can to get yourself into some solid Fellowship.
Also if this is your home that you raised your daughter in, the Courts tend to allow that Mother to stay in place with the Child, as it is the least disturbing to HER, as I said, the only really want to know what is in the Best Interest of your Daughter, and I would really advice you not to think about handing over your house, it belongs to both of you.....A community asset. So that house belongs to you and your husband equally......
Just dont let anyone scare you like this....Let your own attorney be your "Bull Dog" and fight for you. That is why they get their big bucks. and I sure hope that your attorney has the capacity to be a Bull Dog in Court.....for sometimes it really comes down to who won the fight, the meanest Bull Dog.
I am probably way out of like for all that I have said here. But I went throught it and it ended with a split right down the middle. One month they lived with me and my new husband, and the following month to their Dads home....
That really did not work too well as children need ONE Home base, and because my two boys were in their late teens, 15 and 16, and had not lived 100 percent with their Dad, they did not want to hurt me, so I made the hard decision for them.
And I amended it to them living with him exclusively. luckily, they lived only one and half blocks away, so I saw them constantly anyway, but it was great for them to have their Home Base.
If I have been out of line here, want to apologize, it just triggered an old and very emotional memory..
Get yourself into AA now, it will make a big change in you and get the support system that Joni was talking about , you need that now.....
Hugs and hope you can start to relax and leave your worries with your attorney......worrying never gets us anything, only stress, and if you are needing recovery badly, AA can help you deal with all those stressors that will no doubt be there for now....
Welcome JoJo, I'm going to pass on this one as my sobriety started out with the final separation from my first wife. It was a good thing for me and my sobriety. I got to focus on myself and had a good time getting to know and love me.
Let it go and focus on yourself. Later on (the longer you stay sober) you are going to realize you deserve better than someone that cheats on you anyhow.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I needed to here this and all the others comments. I am contemplating divorce myself. I have been married this last time for almost 20 yrs. He has been having an affair, which adds to my grief and tugs at the very heart of who and where I am, while trying to stay sober.
My self-esteem is as low as it can get, and the what "ifs" and worry can be so emotionally draining on me, that I cannot at times think clearly about anything other than focusing on staying sober. That's all I can do. I cannot do anything, if I drink.
If I drink again, I have lost my freedom. Liberty comes with a price and I think we can get there. Just hang in there, as I am giving it all I've got.
We cannot control anything, but ourselves.
May solace,acceptance and peace come your way, and mine,
