Why? How? I drank.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Why? How? I drank.

Oblong · Veteran Member

Oh Rob...
I'm so sorry to hear this happened. I don't know what to say other than try again.
I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice from the old timers.

Oblong · Veteran Member

How long had it been since your last drink?

edit:
I just want to say Rob please don't be too discouraged. You've already shown that you CAN do this. Nobody is perfect. You have to stay strong for those kids. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Just start over today.
smile

-- Edited by Oblong on Saturday 8th of May 2010 01:20:26 PM

AGO · MIP Old Timer

(((((Man hug)))))) (you know the one, with our butts sticking out?)

I don't know what to say, I have been kind of wondering with your on the road cravings and drinking thoughts what was missing from your program and when you would drink or something would happen.

I don't know the answer though, what do you think? What will you do differently?

Dr Bob had cravings for 2.5 years and handled that with intense work with others, I literally don't have experience with cravings once I get into to the program, I did however try once for a year and couldn't stop drinking because I wasn't "done" once many years ago

Anyhow, much love and support, and I wish you the best in finding the higher power that can provide you with the defense against the first drink we are unconstitionally incapable of possessing without that help.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Good Morning My friend,

Decided the last thing you need to hear right now is how I did my own relaspe scenario..

At times I will come back later in the day and ask myself where all those words that came out of yours truly....who knows. I just know after reading every one else's, felt like sort of a dolt. :) and in reading all the responses that followed, just made a lot more sense.

Rob. You are right back here Today, that is ALL that counts.

With lots of love Rob,

Tonicakes.....

-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 8th of May 2010 07:40:44 PM

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Rob,

Glad to hear that you made it back.

Right now while it is still fresh in your mind. What were your thoughts before you picked up? Think about it and commit those thoughts to memory so if you ever get them again you can call your sponsor Before you pick up that first drink.

It's too late afterward. People tell me that they have thoughts leading up to a slip.
My friend you need to be able to recognise the thought patterens and change course
before the drink by taking action.

If your sponsor thinks treatment is required, ask yourself Am I ready to go to any lengths to get and stay sober.

Larry,
-------------
"Step One -- You messed it up
Step Two -- It can be fixed
Step Three -- But not by you!"

-- Edited by Larry_H on Saturday 8th of May 2010 03:19:21 PM

Toad · Senior Member

Well -------
It breaks my heart to feel your pain. Then I feel anger at our illness.
Powerless???? YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helpless???? NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ride the wheels off.
Toad

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Rob, buddy, thanks for coming back. I am thinking of you right now. I am thinking about how WE have no defence against that first drink, how our defence must come from a Higher Power.

You wrote:

"I can't begin to express the shame, the regret, the pain, humiliation and the betrayal I feel."

You may not be able to express it, but I can certainly feel it. I can, cause I have been exactly where you have been. I have felt the unbelievable feeling of hopelessness, the incredible humiliation, etc. I now realize that that is the illness talking of the obsession wanting to kick in again. We don't feel shame about having diabetes, we shouldn't feel shame about this illness either.

You're back in the saddle with honesty, openmindedness and willingness, the key ingredients for this program. Keep coming back!

Steve

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Rob, it takes every last drink, apparently you had a couple more in you. This was probably backlash from your newborn's rough entry. Not making an excuse just saying that you were pretty torqued about it.
Treatment doesn't sound like a bad idea.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Rob,
Since you first posted here, how many days/weeks/months of sobriety have you had? Success is not always measured in perfection. You are succeeding in this program. Do not beat yourself up. Let the poison leave your body, take a deep breath and feel the goodness of being recomitted to AA. You have a lot on your plate right now with your newborn. The disease will seek out and exploit your weak spots without pity. You are powerless. Hand it over to your HP. Ask for help. You will be fine. This too shall pass.

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 8th of May 2010 07:29:24 PM

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

"...a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body", "Cunning, Powerful and
Baffling". Might it not have used some of the stresses you have had recently and
spoken of to justify itself? Did you take the offer to drink so fast that "no thanks"
wasn't even in your mind? Maybe the number one (which is too many) was all you
thought you would have. Okay you're not dead from this one and the program is
one of progress not perfection and it's called recovery. Go back over your trail
here at MIP from prior posts and do some investigation about the journey. The
requirements are willingness and honesty. Glad to have you back. ((((hugs))))
butting out ... LOL smile

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

turninggrey wrote:

Hey Rob,
Since you first posted here, how many days/weeks/months of sobriety have you had? Success is not always measured in perfection. You are succeeding in this program. Do not beat yourself up. Let the poison leave your body, take a deep breath and feel the goodness of being recomitted to AA. You have a lot on your plate right now with your newborn. The disease will seek out and exploit your weak spots without pity. You are powerless. Hand it over to your HP. Ask for help. You will be fine. This too shall pass.

Well said. I think that this is helpful to all of us who are still in early sobriety. Not to mention with what Rob has been going through. Reminds me that everything is possible with God. Thanks.

Steve

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Rob, a thought you may recognize entered my mind last night when I finally went to bed, late. I was feeling like a total failure. I had officially moved yesterday (all my stuff here at the new apartment), and a sadness overcame me late at night. Although I didn't entertain the thought of drinking (I had the thought, but did not entertain it), I then skipped over tot eh feeling,"What if I just ended it? Wouldn't it be more noble to die by my own hand sober, than to get drunk and suffer the consequences and the shame?" Dumb DUMB thought, but it was there. I did not entertain that thought either.

You don't remember uttering those words to yourself at 4am. This is frightening. It is sufficient to remind me of a young guy I knew in AA who was sober abd pretty darned happy most of the time. He relapsed and drank a few beers, and it was enough to get him drunk. That drunk saw him to the botom of a high level bridge. His BAC was only 0.14, which is only a mild to moderate BAC for a drunk alcoholic.

I had that fleeting thought sober, Rob. I was able to make a good choice. But we don't know what kind of choices we are capable of under the influence. That is what ultimately must drive you to seek further help. Treatment is a good idea, IMO (for what my opinion is worth). Even outpatient counseling with focus on the AA program would be a good start. You are putting your life into the hands of alcoholism, which wants you dead. Take that back and start anew, and consider trying something more intensive, if you need to.

Please don't do anything harmful. We need you here, and your kids need you there, and YOU need YOU.

(((((hugs and tears)))))
Joni

janet · Senior Member

Aquaman wrote:

I can't begin to express the shame, the regret, the pain, humiliation and the betrayal I feel. I don't remember getting home. I don't remember calling my sponsor, but my wife (who is now right back to "stay vs. go") said that my sponsor suggested going into treatment.

She said that I got up at 4am for a handful of ibuprofin and to take a leak and she heard me talking to myself about "curing this disease with a shotgun."

Why? How? How do we work a successful program, do service work, attend meetings almost daily and STILL leave an opening big enough for a f**ing relapse?

Not At Peace,
Rob

I have been fully plugged into the shame,guilt, and horror of not remembering a darned thing! I used to joke, when someone ask, "Did you have a good time?" My reply was "they said I did." What an idiot was I? Yet, Inside I felt absolutely horrified!

I've struggled for years with Why? How? etc. I had to suffer over and over and over and then some more.
One member "AGO" on here had some brillant suggestions and information on this very subject.

Here is what he shared: Clink on it:
PAWS

I've done the program,stayed sober for quite awhile,twice even. Just to find myself asking myself, "How the hell did I get home?"!!!!!!!!!!!! "That car must be like a good horse, it knows it's way home."
Then, just to find myself suicidal,worried,depressed,frightened,ashamed,isolating,and guilt ridden.
I knew, I had to figure out what the heck,I was doing wrong or what was going on with me to find myself right back in the saddle with a huge monkey on my back and running in circles just to be at square one again. I always felt hopeless,too.

PAWS seems to be one of my major hurdles. Also, having a lack of something spiritual in my life. I also, struggle with belief systems in general. I am agnostic.
Yet, I believe, as long as you are "willing to become willing" whether accepting everything or not...surrender to win...never lose hope...that you have one more shot i.e.
That's where I was, before each time, later thankful I'd lived thru it without killing someone or myself.
I have a choice today. As cliche' as it sounds: "Keep On Keeping On."
I told myself, I'd get it... one way or another, or die trying like hell!

I send you my sincerity in hoping you give yourself another chance...while searching for the answers to why you relapsed...in order for real change to take place.

I'm right in there with you and wishing you only the best,
J

janet · Senior Member

One more thing Rob...I ask which do you prefer: Peace or Turmoil? Stupid question, I know.

When Peace cannot be found for me, I remind myself what a slow learner and quick forgetter I am. Is that you too? If so, sign up and join the club! There has to be better days ahead, as long as we strive in our endeavors to stay sober.

You can do this. Just point and aim in the right direction. Hold onto your target.
Guess what? Bullseye.
Lol, I have found that the simpliest of things said, make much more sense to me than any educated guess, I could share. I hope, I have been some help.

Peace Out.
J

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Welcome back. It's nothing God doesn't think you can handle - as long as you don't try to handle it alone.