I should probably be posting to a marriage counseling forum. Thanks for the responses to my previous posting. It's 5:30 am where I am this morning and I've had another sleepless night. My wife and I have been married for a little over two months now and have just finished the worst week of our lives together.
We met in a bar through a mutual friend. That was last year. We got engaged in January and were married in May. We're both a little older, she's 30 and I'm 35. There's a history of alcoholism in both our families. I have a history of drug and alcohol abuse, she just drinks.
I've been sober since Sunday.
The very first AA meeting I went to was in Kansas City in mid-1995. I attended my sister's home group. She'd been sober for eight years at that time and she hasn't stepped off the path for over 18 years now.
The second meeting I went to was in Buffalo, with my employer, who'd also had eight years of sobriety after getting fired from an executive position with an advertising agency. That meeting got me on track for what turned out to be eight months of clean living, heavy introspection, and the result was that I re-connected with a number of friends and family members. It felt great. Then the wheels came off after a death in the family. I had a beer. Then I had a shot. Then it was all over. Two months later I was unemployed in Buffalo and had to come back to the midwest.
I came home to my parents. I was almost 30, broke, unemployed, with nothing in the bank and no prospects. I lived in their basement for two years while starting a new career. My drinking slowed down and I was getting healthy both physically and emotionally. I went out once a week, never got really drunk, and was respectful of my parents' house and values.
I bought my own home after those first two years. I'd recovered financially, been single for four years, and life was good. My drinking picked up. I got drunk at home and started using drugs again. But the money was coming in and I was only hurting myself. A friend of mine called me a high-functioning alcoholic and I laughed at the truth.
I surrendered a long time ago. Now I can't shake the feeling that unless I stay sober during the initial adjustment period of marriage, that the wheels will come off again. Its hard. But I'll be sober, if only for the moment.
I have a beautiful wife. She's smart and strong and when things are good I feel invincible. I have a beautiful wife. She's an alcoholic. And when things are bad, the crazies take over. I have a beautiful wife who loves me undonditionally. I have a beautiful wife whom I can't be close to and can't look at without feeling like I'm going to start crying because of the things we say when we're drunk.
John, Congratulations on 3 days, I'm glad you are here. Have you found an A.A. group yet?
As I read your posts, this one and the one before, it brought back many memories. The meeting of my husband in a bar, I was the bartender; the fighting when we were both drunk,verbally and physically. But most recently, the spiritual awakening God gave me a year and a half ago. My husband and I had separated for the 4th time, I was praying one morning , again asking why? Why had I gotten sober , at that time 19 years ago, and my husband is still an active alcoholic,18 years of A.A. and at the most 1 year of sobriety 17 years ago.In my mind I heard, "He is the reason you are sober, if it hadn't been for him you might still be drinking." I was stunned, I meditated on that for awhile. What came to light was , if I had continued to drink, one or both of us would have been dead, the fights were that violent. I was so tired of being sick and tired of the craziness, of being scared, of the uncertainty, that I cried out and God took the desire for alcohol.I came into A.A. through Al-anon 6 years after I stopped drinking, I was still a dry drunk, but not a violent one. Al-anon taught me acceptance and detachment, my life started to take on a whole new meaning, I really started to live a happy, joyful life, even with my still practicing alcoholic.I started gointg to A.A. also, working the Steps. His disease continues to progress today, but I didn't cause his drinking, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Today, I am free. I ask God to keep me sober today and I will thank him for that sobriety tonight. What did I do with that revelation from God, I told my husband about it , I thanked him for coming into my life when he did, he saved my life. It is very bitter-sweet, I so want to see my husband sober, but that is between him and his God.
John,please do this for you...you are worth it. I'm so glad you have found your way back, and 3 days of sobriety is a miracle, everyday sober is for an alcoholic.
You're story sounds a lot like my own........ Can't give you much except this, don't drink "just for today." And tomorrow, do the same thing....... get to a meeting....... read the Big Book......... TALK to someone....... You're in my prayers........... And hey! If I can do it, anyone can.......
