I'm feeling really alone and helpless right now. Plotting. Not good. But it feels like the only way I can rely on feeling good. Even though I know I will utlimately feel worse.
Well if Plotting makes you feel you can feel better today, I have a thought, mentally make up one good and drunk plot, JUST as long as you plan it for tomorrow, and then when tomorrow comes, make it for the next tomorrow...
I had some thoughts when I first got sober, of "F$#@! .. cant do this ever again, you mean never....so I finally caved and answered that question in my head that was driving me crazy, well crazier than I already was. and it was this......
I said out loud to this annoying chatterbox in my brain, OK, OK, I will promise you that the next time you are in China, and in a Prison, and before you get sentenced to life and have some time outside that Prison, you can drink as much as you want til they have to come and get you, but believe me I give you permission to get as friggen drunk as you want....but not til then....
That story might sound silly or rather just plain dumb, but guess what, it shut that chatterbox in my head off for good.
I dont know if you have been to enough meetings to understand that "chatterbox" concept.....and if you have not, possible that might be the voice that has been driving you into the dumps so much.....we all had them, some people call it the committee in their heads, just a lot of jabbering that goes on in our heads while we are trying to save our own lifes, and putting that Monster, alcohol down, hopefully and with God's Help, one day at time, was going to say for good, but we dont have that luxury ever, we Pray about it in the morning, and the record for Sobriety is really only 24 hours.
I am curious as you why you titled your Post Dumping..?? wanna share why???
Toodles, and people pleading with you to go to a meeting, has that helped you in the past get to a meeting.....are you still in contact with those people by phone that you were talking to.
Like the others here, take any thoughts you want, just take your body to that meeting, mind will catch up with you when you get there.
Get a 4-man tent, a couple of backpacks and some sleeping bags. Friday Morning pack up the tent and the girls and go for an overnight at a State Park or County Park. There's one in Monticello. I suggest that one. I forgot the name, but some interwebs savvy will find it Why this plan works to counter your plan is that a) YOU will be the sole individual responsible for your girls, so you can't get drunk and b) that park is hike-in sites only. You'll need water more than wine and it's not worth the extra weight.
The most important thing is that you make a different plan than the one you're hatching.
RUN to tonight's meeting and share as if you life depends on it!!!!Don't mess with this thing.Get around your support group,thats people in and out of the rooms,make a meeting and then after go with them anywhere until you or they are exhausted ,Keep God in front,and tomorrow your new plot can be a different meeting ,sticking around(thats in and out of the rooms)your support group,sponsor ,friends etc.and then' THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Was thinking about you when I was preparing some dinner and wanted to ask you ...have you seen the Slogans on the Wall, well there is one designed for when you are thinking of drinking.
It goes like this......... THINK, THINK, THINK. It simply means,think the drink, all the way through. To that demolazing feeling of waking up hung over and remember in detail how you longed so, not to do that anymore, for yourself first, then your family.....I recall how you wrote about those times very clearly....just think that drink through to those moments.!
Rob's idea is also a wonderful idea....
Hugs, RG, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 4th of May 2010 07:13:32 PM
RG needs to ask RG "why do I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I feel that I need to medicate just to feel OK"? When you solve that mystery and resolve those issues behind those feelings, you won't want to drink any longer.
play the tape in your head all the way through, RG..... PAST the initial "feeling of ease and comfort" (which you never get any more anyway, because of the guilt and sneaking and lying that goes with it), and play that tape through to the next fight, the next sad look in your child's eyes, the next day of the feelings of hopelessness and self pity and depression and regret...... is that drink along with the guilt really worth it?
I can LIVE through moments and even hours of craving or obsession now, because I know this will pass and they will get lesser and lesser the longer I stay sober (not dry)... But another drunk? Hell no.... I can't deal with all that self-imposed bull shit, no I cannot. It is too much consequence and not enough satisfaction or stability in the act of drinking. I will never again have satisfaction nor stability with my drinking again, and I have proven it to myself enough times. So have you.
With a LOT of understanding, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
